ToTExOrdBon

Welcome, reader, to the second Train of Thought Executive Order Bonanza! For those of you who missed the first, written back in late 2000, here’s what you missed: we jokingly advised President-elect Bush to use executive orders to make a mockery of checks and balances. That may have been a mistake, as Bush went on to make a mess of the government by using an unprecedented number of them. Turns out the rule of law has no defense against executive orders, which can be used to do just about anything.

Sources inside the Obama camp (specifically JJ, who was given top-level access to their plans after his work in Virginia (which many credit with single-handedly turning the Old Dominion state blue)) have revealed some of the orders Obama plans to issue in the first hours of his presidency:

-First up is one which will rescind a Bush-era order: Executive Order 834753457, in which Bush exhorted American armed forces to “kill the shit out of everything” and “blow up the fuck out of stuff” with “MAXIMUM INDISCRETION.” Further references to making use of “total recklessness” in choosing targets apparently reveal that Bush felt this might bring a fast end to the conflict in Iraq. While it should be noted that the vast majority of American troops have ignored this order, Obama has been quoted as saying this order “doesn’t really look like it belongs, seems a little… threatening?” Expect it to be axed quickly after Inauguration Day.

-Next to be removed will likely be Executive Order 58734895738475234, issued days after 834753457. This one was a meta-order, urging people like Rove and Cheney to come up with executive orders designed to “baffle scientific progress” at “any cost.” From constricting stem cell line access to making it legal to “throw poo at scientists” in the street, it appears many later Bush-era executive orders were based on ideas developed here. A hand-written note by Obama in the margin of this order notes that this one is particularly stupid, and that “this Bush guy must be some sort of jackass.”

-Another planned order is entirely new. While angered by Lieberman’s constant betrayals and general air of backstabbitude, Obama has apparently decided to take the high road in regards to his senate positions. However it does look like there will be some comeuppance: Obama is turning the rest of Lieberman’s senate career into a real-life game of Asshole. Lieberman will be forced to wear a beer box labeled “ASSHOLE” on his head at all times when in Washington, and can be told even by the most junior legislators to drink at any time. This will make watching C-SPAN approximately 57.3% more exciting, and makes a powerful example for other Democrats currently attempting to decipher their stances on hope and/or change.

-On the subject of hope and change, Executive Order #3 for the Obama presidency will likely make it legal for people with Obama bumper stickers to use their vehicles to inflict damage on cars bearing Confederate battle-flag bumper stickers. Funds will be allocated to upgrade Hope and Change cars with a variety of pikes and spinning blades. A complicated formula based on the number of bumper stickers, size of bumper stickers, and visibility of their placement will determine how much damage they’ll be allowed to do. While this might turn highways in many southern states into dangerous warzones, Obama has rightfully noted that the results will be “fucking sweet.”

I for one can’t wait for these to be signed into law. Here’s to hoping Obama-era executive orders will be as ridiculous as those from the last eight years, but in a good way.