Free Republic on CPAC: "HomoCon"

Fresh of the heels of their enlightened discussion on race, Free Republic is out to set the bar a little higher with their reflections on CPAC. The name of the thread, no joke, is:

"The HomoCon Tipping Point: Why CPAC Was a Milestone Weekend for Gays"

The OP is a repost from another site which actually supported gay participation in CPAC, but the replies are pure Freep. I'm not going to repost any of them here because... well, only so much filth will fit on our front page at any given time.

Which brings me to a question- I think it might be time to reevaluate Field Trips. Since I started posting them, Free Republic has changed in a lot of ways. The combination of Obama winning, the rise of the Tea Party movement legitimizing their more extreme positions, and the ongoing economic downturn have all contributed to a far more openly racist, sexist, and homophobic Free Republic. Their threads have gone from amusingly crazy to a race to the bottom, seeing which post is the first to break out the n-bomb, or the f-bomb in regards to gays, or any number of slurs for Muslims.

With that in mind, I'm going to stop featuring Free Republic on here for the same reason I don't post StormFront threads- hate sites are very predictable in their content. We pretty much know what they're going to say.

So- is anyone interested in Field Trips to ResistNet/Ace of Spades/other major conservative sites? Or should we retire this feature for a bit?

Train of Thought Field Trip: Niger Madness

In case you haven’t been following the news, it seems the Nigerien military pulled off a coup and removed President Mamadou Tandja earlier today. Tandja has spent the last year reshaping the government in an effort to stay in office after the end of his second term, and the military leadership claims that the coup is an attempt to restore democratic principles. We’ll see if they follow through.

In the meantime, let us all admire this beautiful thread. Freepers saw the headline “Niger president held by troops” and, in the brief moment before they noticed the missing ‘g,’ experienced utter and complete bliss. Old Texan starts us off:

Man, did I read that wrong....

Yeah, I’m sure you did.  Niteranger68 agrees:

You ain't kidding!!!!!!

Uh huh.  Quickgun is left disappointed by the real headline:

I know, all excited for nothing......

Pessimist was about to break out the champagne:

LOL! We were one letter away from a celebration!

Hooray, finally the military has stepped in and removed that… uh, Nigerien?  Loyalist is up next:

Why can’t they write “President of Niger” just to avoid confusion?

I hate it when the media doesn’t restructure headlines to avoid confusing racists!  Iopscusa is an exemplary freeper:

My first thought was America is saved but then I noticed this was in the Kenyan’s home continent.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Train of Thought Field Trip: James O’Keefe Is Still A Moron

In case you’ve forgotten, James O’Keefe is the guy who asked ACORN employees silly questions whilst dressed in silly costumes and got silly answers in return. Conservatives then tried to transmogrify these videos into a vindication of the decades they’ve spent accusing ACORN of voter fraud, a serious allegation for which they’ve never been able to secure any evidence. How did those videos prove that charge? That part is still a mystery, but the right spent the better part of a month shitting itself with joy at the chance to attack an organization whose insidious mission is to support low-income families.

O’Keefe made the news again today with his latest venture, which was somehow even stupider: he and a number of accomplices entered federal property under false pretenses with the intent to wiretap the office of Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu.

Yep.

Personally, I think we should consider an experiment in radical transparency in which everything senators say and do is recorded on camera and put up on the internet for everyone to see. Landrieu would make an excellent choice for a test case, actually- her willingness to make it easier to wiretap people abroad, as per her vote on FISA, seems to signal that she’s really comfortable with the idea of being covertly kept under surveillance. But there’s a time and a place to have that debate, and this clod seems to have decided that he would just skip that part and go straight to law-breaking. Seriously, I might have a bit more sympathy for him if his last target wasn’t a group dedicated to “working on neighborhood safety, voter registration, health care, affordable housing, and other social issues.”

That’s where I was going to leave it- O’Keefe is an idiot who deserves to be caught, Landrieu sucks and should probably take some time to rethink her stances on wiretapping. But JJ reminded me that it’s been a while since the last Train Field Trip, and that Freepers might have some invaluable contributions to this discussion. They sure do have plenty of threads on the subject- why don’t we start with this post by A CA Guy?

If true, dumb move and possibly highly illegal.

Whoa, that was actually pretty reasonable! Off to a good start-

IF true.

On the other hand, the left is anxious to make an example of O'Keefe & they're definitely not above setting him up.

I'll need more info.

There we have skeeter, who apparently thinks it’s entirely reasonable to imagine that ACORN captured O’Keefe, dressed up his friends like telephone mechanics, gave them a wiretapping advice, and tricked them into sneaking past security and into the office of an American senator. Real plausible. Mazda77 actually has something even more nonsensical:

As I posted to an earlier thread, my view is they were doing a sting on the lax security in the secure building. That is the only logical solution I can come up with since they were in the building without ID for the “phone company” clothes and tools they were carrying. Gonna be intersting to see if they release the security point video.

Sure, so here O’Keefe went from taking down the great white whale of conservative mythology to harassing the security at a federal building in Louisiana? What’s next, O’Keefe foils the mall cops at a shopping center in Thompson Falls, Montana? O’Keefe engages students from a local preschool in a battle of wits?  Machogirl has a hunch:

This smells of lib payback.

Liberals get revenge by having conservative activists attempt and fail to commit felonies against them? That sounds like a really roundabout form of revenge, but what do I know?  Tirednvirginia wants to add a little perspective to the discussion:

How many times was MLK arrested and now he has a national holiday named after him?

Who knows what they were on the verge of uncovering? Maybe some light will be shed on this whole incident in the next few days.

MLK fought tirelessly for the downtrodden, which makes him a natural comparison for O’Keefe, whose magnum opus at this time is the smearing of an organization which fights tirelessly for the downtrodden. Perhaps one day we’ll celebrate O’Keefe day, where everyone finds a poor person and takes a dump on them.  Plutarch is apparently from some alternate universe where the videos weren’t broadcast constantly for days:

The MSM will have to explain how it is the filmaker was a big deal, when they never showed the films.

In Conservative Fantasy World the media overtly battles them at all times in order to justify their persecution complex. The next one is also from Fantasy World, although this time it’s my own fantasy:

The ridicoulis thing is that Okeefe may be charged under RICO because of the pending charges out of Maryland and California.

Thanks Thunder90, but I’ll believe that when I see it.

Train of Thought Bizarro Field Trip: Free Republic Doesn’t Care About Christian People

Two weeks ago we saw Free Republic burning with righteous passion after a number of soldiers were killed by US Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan. Their responses came down to either killing or deporting any/all Muslims. This weekend four police officers were killed by Maurice Clemmons, a man who told his family that he was Jesus. A quick look around Free Republic shows that they haven’t begun calling for the end of Christianity in America yet, but I’m sure they’ll start soon. Until then we’re going to try an experiment: posts used for previous Field Trips will be slightly rewritten to reflect the specifics of this latest news story.

Tex Pete starts the thread after news of four killed policemen shows up on the news, and begins speculation:

He probably is a Christie, IMO.

Paige becomes irate when media buffoons refuse to mention the religion of the shooter:

HEY brain dead MEDIA MORONS, he’s a CHRISTIAN, the guy who gunned down a doctor is a CHRISTIAN, stop with the PC BS.

SunkenCiv is tired of seeing Christians get away with killing after killing:

Dropping an asteroid on ‘em would pretty much fix all these problems. Smaller ‘roids would fix each of the Christie states.

Doc1019 isn’t playing by your rules anymore:

The back end of my toilet faces Bethlehem … there, take that Jesus.

Phrogphlyer is angry at Huckabee for releasing Clemmons, and has come up with a better solution for any Christians in our prison system:

deserted islands.......Low tide....pier pilings..... crabs......barnacles.....sharks....industrial strength cop tie wraps.......works for me....

Diana B wants Obama to own up to his murderous Christian heritage:

Hahaha! That's really funny. WE are watching the terrorists -- AND LOOK WHERE THEY ARE: “OBAMA PUTS CHRISTIANS IN THE WHITE HOUSE” by World Net Daily

Vladimir998 knows what the only good Christian is:

I’m no fan of the Chi-coms, but I have to admit that they know how to deal with Christians. They kill them.

HiTech RedNeck stops beating it to pictures of Abu Ghraib to drop this post on us:

Sometimes the Chinese also torture them.

Markos33 delivers another vote for executing all Christians:

The ChiComs wouldn’t play around with the jesus freaks... they’ll send them to meet their master.

Mathurine doesn’t understand why anyone would ever say that about such a benign group of people:

Why would anyone do that to the lovable and engaging Christian terrorists? All they want to do is live peacefully with the people they subjugate, whilst executing your occasional backslider.

I’m willing to bet that even Freepers themselves would recognize all of those posts as hate speech. But when they themselves posted those things about Muslims it was all fun and games! In a serious way, though, because of course everyone knows that you can’t trust a member of the vile Mohammedan race.

Here’s to the day when these guys finally realize that their pathetic tribalism is something they should be ashamed of, not something they should proudly parade around. I’m sure they’ll have this epiphany any moment now- ahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahha, yeah right. The guy from Little Green Footballs found out his posts were being used by European neo-Nazis and turned left, which earned him the unending scorn of his former conservative peers. Turns out the right doesn’t appreciate the… what was the term they used? “Occasional backslider.”

Train of Thought Field Trip: A Brighter Tomorrow

Today we have a quick field trip to a Free Republic thread where they’re hoping for a better, whiter tomorrow. The GOP victories in Virginia and New Jersey have buoyed their spirits, and now the imminent release of “Going Rogue: An American Life” gives them an excuse to talk about their favorite person in the world: Jesus Sarah Palin.

Night Hides Not admires Palin for her tactical genius, a true Alaskan Zhuge Liang:

What a brilliant stroke by Sarah! Bringing her book out, and giving a bunch of interviews during sweeps month.

Releasing her book during a random November- brilliant! I heard she also successfully dressed herself this morning- what a stunning intellect! Kartographer knows exactly what she should do next:

She needs a solid conservative mentor, her Dick Channy if you will and I can't think of no one better to be her mentor and her 'hatchman'.

Hahahaha god yes, please team her up with the most unpopular politician in American history. Bush/Cheney ended with the Republican party in flames- Palin/Cheney would likely end with the surviving Republican politicians ruthlessly hunted across the globe and the names of Nixon, Reagan, Bush, Cheney, and Palin stricken from the records of our time. Kartographer makes a second appearance to clarify his earlier remarks:

I meant her Dick Cheney; with an ‘e’! LOL never try and type while eating fajitas! :-)

“Wrong letter, sorry guys. My terrible idea, though? Yeah that one still stands.” US Navy Vet tries to decide the composition of the perfect Freep government:

Palin=Pres
DeMint=VP
Mark Levin=AG
Sheriff Joe=Homeland “Security”

If I had to single out one part of that as the funniest selection, I think it’s the idea that elevating Sheriff Joe to the federal level is a good idea. He’s already going nuts shitting on the law and making a mockery of justice, why don’t we see if giving him incredible power will level him out? Virginia Ridgerunner announces that she can envision an even more catastrophic government:

Palin/Bachmann 2012, with Fred Thompson as Chief of Staff, Duncan Hunter as Secretary of Defense, John Bolton as Secretary of State, and Tom Tancredo as Secretary of Homeland Defense.

The upside here is that any veteran would have the ability to troll our new Secretary of Homeland Defense right out of the building in seconds. The downside is that the rest of America would be reduced to Mad Max-style anarchy in barren, desolate caricatures of the places we now know. Finally, Vinnie has the idea that ends the entire debate:

Heck, I could go with..

Palin/Palin 2012

Palin for everything! Vote straight ticket Palin! Write-in candidate for all local offices: Palin! All hail Palin!

Train of Thought Field Trip: Peace Prize Resistance

In honor of Halloween we’re going to leave the usual Field Trip spots in favor of a place far scarier… ResistNet. Also in honor of Halloween we’re going to get their reactions to Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. There are sane reasons to not be entirely thrilled by that decision- things like “hey, I’m not sure if he really has done much to advance peace,” and on the other hand there are insane reasons. Guess which one we’re going to find on ResistNet! Write your answer down somewhere and we’ll compare after reading their posts.

Pamela’s post is a good one to start on because it gets us back into the ResistNet norm of long, rambling, incoherent posts right off the bat:

Wonder what that cost his backer....wonder what it's going to cost us in the long run? Can it get any more ridiculous than this. What kinda kool-aid are they drinking! It's all very clear that this whole circus was planned and set in motion a very long time ago and they (bho's backers) knew they would have to pull out all the stops to try and make him look good. Do they really think the American People are that stupid (obviously) they knew he would not have made it at all if the People were correctly informed and the race was run honestly.

Does she think the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded by “the American People” or is she still ranting about the 2008 election? Again, write down your answer on a piece of paper and we’ll discuss it later. Herbert L Ring Jr was thunderstruck by the announcement, and soon he starts invoking you-know-who:

While taking my youngest granddaughter to the bus stop this morning @ 7:30, an announcement came over the radio that literally had me shaking. The announcer said "PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS JUST AWARDED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE". Can someone please tell me how one man can have so many believeing every word he says? Lately I have been watching the History Channel who's subject has been centering on the ANTICHRIST. Go to their archives, people, and watch what the experts are saying. Then tell me what your opinion is about Mr Obama relative to that subject. It's not just an issue that the people of the United States were mesmerized by his talk, it appears now that the world has fallen for it. If never before, we MUST rise up and be stronger than ever

Just another day on the internet, casually trying to advance the idea that Obama might be the anti-Christ. Worried Grammie stops by to say that Obama might not be the anti-Christ- he may just be ‘the precursor.’

I'm not yet convinced he's the antichrist. I've done months of research on these thugs and there are powerful, filthy rich elitists behind this destruction of this country, who have been following a plan for decades. The thug in chief has been groomed for many years to be the one to finally take down America. If you're read the End Times series by Tim LaHaye, you can see where things are falling in place - I'm just not sure if he's the antichrist or the precursor. It's time to research who was on the nominating committee and who rendered the final decision and then start connecting the dots.

John M is the life of the party:

sorry, pretty sophmoric, but all I can think of to say is barf and puke.

Sophomoric posts are soon put to an end by the return of Worried Grammie, who has been googling up a storm in the name of crazy research:

I am doing research - I want to know who nominated him, how he was elected, and what the connection between those people and the Illuminati, Bilderbergs, etc. is. Last night I found a connection between Blackstone Group (Chicago), who bought out Busch Enterprises yesterday - Busch Gardens, Seaworld and 8 other parks - Blackstone is connected to Bilderberg. Wonder why they want to own all of these amusement parks!!

Instead of laughing Grammie out of the thread, Melinda starts to make some more brilliant connections:

Because in an amusement park there is a lot of scrap iron available in tearing one of these things down . That and the property is prime real estate usually , or perhaps it is they want to change the names and the rides to ( One world order theme parks , enjoy your ride to hell ) .

John P. sums it up pretty well:

This just sucks.

Texas Nell finally says His name, risking bringing the wrath of the Dark Lord down on this thread:

I'd love to know how George Soros is involved in BO being awarded "the prize"...wonder who Soros bought so BO could, once again, look like the Messiah. WAKE UP, WORLD. FOR PETE'S SAKE, WAKE UP!!!!!

Melinda comes back to make up a bunch of stuff about Soros and say that they should “get rid” of him:

Nell, get rid of Soros and you cure a lot of problems , This Animal dug the gold fillings out of the peoples mouths the Nazis gassed before burning them . He wasn't ordered to ,he just wanted to ,and he reported those who had excellent dental work to go first . He also sold out Israel to the Arabs during the six day war ,without the grace of God Israel would have lost that Battle because of George.
Soros is the lowest excuse for Human excrement on this Planet .

Trust me, you do not want to be on SusanConstant’s list:

Sweden is now on my naughty list...

HEY! SWEDEN! You became an enemy of the lawful US government known as We The People and if you so much as take one red cent from us under the guise of foreign aid or goodwill? You got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do! Go shoot yourself in the other foot, will ya?

Honoring our president?! Explain yourself, country next to the country that gave Obama a peace prize! She continues:

The people on the committee are farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr left extremists and always vote in some wack a do person to suit their own agenda. Basically this award is a joke.

But just as others, I almost through up my wheaties this morning over this.

You threw up your Wheaties because this award ruined the ‘everyone in the world hates Obama’ narrative the right has been desperately trying to develop during the last few months. Also, I’m literally laughing out loud at the idea that Obama is far left, leftist, or basically anything other than milquetoast corporatist.

Cowboy Jim rides into the thread towards the end and gives it something special:

This Black ASS has done absolutely NOTHING since he was supposedly elected and I as a Vietnam Veteran having served 22 months in combat can tell ALL of this Great Nation that we enjoy and admire each and every day HE IS ONE HELL OF A LIAR! This award of Peace Prize ONLY DEMINISHES the premise of the award to it's LOWEST LEVELS! I am now beginning to HATE this man and if anyone anywhere does not like my opinion they can also go shove it up therir peverbial butt!

ResistNet: pretty much the spookiest place on the internet.

Train of Thought Field Trip: Palin Goes Rogue

Traditionally these posts have focused on Freepers talking about someone they don’t like: liberals, black people, gay people, Asians, women, Europeans, the poor, the educated, anyone who isn’t exactly like them, etc. Today we’re going to see what happens when they start threads about someone they adore: Sarah Palin.

The news broke last night that her book, entitled “Going Rogue: An American Life,” is finished and awaiting its November 17th release date. While most of America is looking forward to reading it ironically, the fine folks of Free Republic believe in this upside-down version of the last election where Sarah Palin actually helped the ticket, instead of sealing its fate and dooming John McCain to failure. Buckets of polling data showing that she essentially handed off huge chunks of independents to Obama be damned, she’s the new hope for the American right!

At least three threads were started to celebrate the news. The appropriately-named Sarah Barracuda gets us started:

To me, going rogue means that someone isn’t gonna
take crap from anyone. She was called “rogue”
during the campaign because she no longer listened
to them(The entire campaign was a train wreck) she
wanted no part of it, and decided to do things her
way, I like it.

The entire campaign was a train wreck, that’s true, but it’s still so bizarre that Free Republic apparently ignores the fact that Palin is the one who derailed the damn train. Newfreep warns that having Palin leave the GOP and form her own nutcase party might not be a good idea:

Going 3rd party will absolutely guarantee ZERO
will win a second term...and many more after
that.

That’s right: if Obama isn’t stopped in 2012, he’ll be dictator-for-life by 2016. How do I know that? Well, you see, ACORN. Uh, and George Soros. Sarah Barracuda returns to the thread to make this bombastic prediction:

Like it says in the article, its her book, her
life, her words. I think Sarah knows this book
will be the most scrutinized book EVER in the
history of books so she knows the deal.

Hahaha, yes, the most scrutinized book EVER in the history of books, I just had to retype that entire bit because my fingers couldn’t believe how stupid it was. Hinckley Buzzard knows something about liberals that the rest of us don’t:

Palin haters won’t buy it. Liberals don’t buy
books, they steal them or borrow them.

Keep in mind their other criticism of liberals is based on reading too many books and being too smart or something, so I’m not sure how you square those two accusations away. Editor-Surveyor pops up next with a comment that wins this edition of the Field Trip Award For Outstanding Achievements In The Field Of Incoherent Posting:

Amazon = Socialist molasses in January.

Prole strikes me as the sort of fellow who shows up at a teabagging event with a be-swastika’d picture of Obama:

Keep flying, Sarah!
The National Socialists and other democrats
can't defeat you! This is truly a battle of
good versus evil.

I get the feeling that HighlyOpinionated knows his numbers are off, but repeats them to show solidarity with the FreepMind:

They’re not printing enough. 1.5 million will
barely cover the crowd in DC on 9-12.

Haha I can play that game too, watch this: 5 million would barely cover the crowd in DC on 9-12! 50 trillion would barely cover the crowd in DC on 9-12! An infinite number beyond the comprehension of the most powerful computers would barely cover the crowd in DC on 9-12! April Lexington has some great advice for Palin:

They are feeding her crap about running from the
center to atttract Lib voters. DON'T DO IT,
SARAH! Its a trap!

Yes, please run even farther to the right, perhaps the rules will change and whoever gets gets the least votes will win in 2012! I think she’ll also get a special award if she manages to alienate every single independent and comes in below 40% of the popular vote. SmokingJoe has a bunch of words for you:

Ummm..they already attacked her more than any
politician in modern history..all it did was
give her close to 1 million Facebook supporters
in just 4 months, virtually neck and neck with
0bozo, who's Facebook page has been up for over
a year longer. That “galvanization” you are
talking about, is galvanization” of ordinary
Americans FOR Palin, rather than against her.
The more they attack her, the stronger she is
going to get. She is going to feed off their
attacks kinda like how Glenn eck is doing right
now. He keeps getting stronger too, the more
the leftist zombies attack him.

Apparently the conservative persecution complex extends to their favorite politicians as well, and Palin is somehow the most attacked politician in modern history. Also, judging political viability by how many Facebook supporters someone has is a brilliant tactic that I may try in the future. LilRhody is next, and boy is he pissed:

Maybe I’ll try Overstock.com. Bought Glenn Becks
book at Borders, and those elitist pigs had the
book in the back of the store where no one could
see it. Of course coming in the front door, was
a table loaded with the murderer Kennedy books,
and in back of that table another one filled with
the Obamination family.

Elitist pigs, putting a book by the president in front of a book by a talking head! Fascists! Bravotu must have some method to his madness, but damned if I can spot it:

Nest EGG!?!
Barracudas Have Nest Eggs?
Perhaps She Will Be ‘Sharpening’
Her ‘Skills’ like a Momma Grizzley !

Uh, yes, perhaps that will be the case. This post by SevenofNine delights me:

OH YEAH I buy that book

Yes me buy book too, be real good, buy book. I sure hope Aphid is right…:

I’d wager that this book was rushed because she’s
working on a second book for spring publication
that will lay out her vision for America. She’ll
want her plan for common sense conservatism in
print, again working around the media.

… because I’m excited to see what kind of cutesy blood-splattered gravedigger horror-inducing fuck you got mine every man against his brother death to the poor and the different gut-wrenching vision of ultimate ruin post-apocalyptic conservatism she comes up with. 9YearLurker closes us out with this relatively harmless post:

I think she could title it “Does Todd poop in the
woods?” and she’d have a best-seller. I’m glad
it’s coming out sooner rather than later.

Conservatives: lining up at the doors to find out about exactly where Todd Palin goes to shit.

Assorted TeaBaggings- Washington DC 9/12/2009

Here are some pictures of the signs we saw on Saturday. Keep in mind that these aren't by any means the worst the crowd had to offer- just a fairly representitive sample of the kinds of things people were really agitated about.

This guy was one of about a million to take a confused stand against mid-level advisory appointments:

Something about how bold the letters are and how simple the statement is makes the missing 'R' all the funnier:

This next person had a request I think we all had no problem complying with:

Wow, what loathesome characters can we try to rehabilitate next?

Even crazier:

Milquetoast centrism with handouts for every corporation = THE ANTI-CHRIST HIMSELF!

Well, that's the mark of a well-informed man. The sign on the right is one of my all-time favorites:

IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB, CZARS DID 9/11! Now to mix religious nutbaggery with anti-Russian Monarchist sentiment:

We ran across the street to get a picture with this fine woman, who was happy to teabag JJ and T:

Hahahaha, wow. I think the sign on the right was translated from a mujahedeen slogan:

This one gives me a lot of ideas for new signs to make:

Did you know that Obama has the magical power to abort God himself? Stop the expansion of executive power into theological abortion!

These people are really convinced that Obama is minutes away from shipping them all off to FEMA death camps using his all-black volunteer ACORN army. Also, he wants to kill old people because... something.

What, Marx would proud of the sight of thousands of people out rallying against their own damn interests, angrily protesting the mere idea of curbing corporate profits in order to save lives and increase access to health care?

Well, I'm sure these guys know what they're talking about.

TeaBaggers Occupy Small Stretch of DC; The Conductors Run A Train On Them

About six months ago I was sitting in my apartment in downtown Wuhan gathering quotes for a Train of Thought Field Trip when I noticed a huge banner on the top of Free Republic. Allow me to slightly paraphrase it: “FREE REPUBLIC INVITES YOU AND ALL YOUR CRAZY FRIENDS TO COME TO WASHINGTON DC ON SEPTEMBER 12th AND WAVE NONSENSICAL SIGNS AROUND WHILE CONSERVATIVE SPEAKERS TELL YOU ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU ARE! REGISTER NOW!”

So register I did- thirty times, to be exact. After that I emailed JJ stating in no uncertain terms that we would be there, a statement he agreed with immediately. Over the next few months we watched as Free Republic, Glenn Beck, FreedomWorks, and other leaders of the new post-apocalyptic conservative movement hyped it up as much as they could. T-shirts by FreedomWorks, charter buses by FreedomWorks, sign ideas by FreedomWorks! Just like the first round of tea parties, this was astroturfing at its finest.

Last Thursday we went to JJ’s place and got right to it. Sign ideas were exchanged and improved upon, designs were reworked, and plans were made for Saturday morning. We were happy to find that two friends of the Train, T and La France, were willing to join us.

At noon on Saturday we met up at Union Station and finished some last minute sign coloring before hitting the streets with the first ever live incarnation of The Train. Witness what we’re provisionally referring to as The Conductors:


From Union Station it was only a few blocks to the Capitol, where thousands of confused angry conservatives had set up camp:

The event was like a Free Republic thread come to life, with sign content ranging from merely confusing to hideously offensive. The people there needed no prompting before flying off the handle into all sorts of baffling rants. T was a lightning rod for crazy people, with one woman lecturing him about how he should never compare himself to black people- because, she explained, black people are “willing to do anything,” including “raping and killing.” One ongoing theme we noticed among the signs were ones wondering aloud why people keep labeling them racists. Perhaps we’ll never know…

Still, many of the people who came up to T ended with far more lighthearted encounters, including this woman who was delighted to meet Bobby Jindal’s nephew:

JJ had taped a copy of Obama’s birth certificate to his chest, which ended up being a perfect complement to the many signs demanding that Obama release his birth certificate and/or go back to Kenya. Here JJ poses with one Birther who studiously refused to acknowledge our repeated references to where she could, in fact, find a certification of live birth for one Barrack Obama:

Hahaha she’s literally within inches of it. Damn that Obama, able to hide it within plain sight! Some people went over the top with their preparations, including the owners of this lovely vehicle:

La France clearly approves. We all took plenty of opportunities to put our signs in the background of the major photo-ops, like a Where’s Waldo that ends with bewildered conservatives staring at lemonparty:

Over the course of two hours we took pictures with and spoke to hundreds of conservatives. Out of all of these people only one realized that we weren’t being entirely on the level. “Are you guys for real?” (pause) “No, you guys aren’t for real.” For the most part people looked at our signs and approved, spotting nothing amiss. One man came up and said he was glad to see that it wasn’t just old people hitting the streets- I didn’t have the heart to tell him that actually yes, it was only old people who had come out unironically. Age may have been at least somewhat related to one notable feature of the rally: a large percentage of the protestors brought lawn chairs and merely sat on them, signs planted in the ground to the side. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that a group which has spent decades deriding protests now finds itself wholly unable to pull one off with any sense of energy today.

It’s worth noting that while conservatives had a 0.01% success rate for detecting our mockery, journalists were dead on, 2 for 2. We spoke to people from Media Matters and Salon.com, both of whom recognized our game immediately. They were kind enough not to blow our cover in front of the great masses of the people, and Alex Koppelman from Salon was awesome enough to include us in his article about the event!

One final note about numbers- our sense was that the crowd wasn’t larger than 10 or so thousand where we were. Police and firemen estimates are claiming 60,000 for all three events combined, which is only 1,940,000 people lower than the number being thrown around by Michelle Malkin and Free Republic. I’ll put up some random pictures of especially ridiculous protestors later today or tomorrow.

All in all, I’d like to say that the first convention of The Conductors was a great success.

The Great Wingnut Lunar Eclipse

If you think Glenn Beck is sufficiently insane on his own (and yesterday I certainly did), just wait until you see him team up with Rush Limbaugh! That’s right, Rush himself called into a very special episode of Glenn Beck’s Rambling Insanity Hour this week. The two of them took a few minutes to talk about how the stakes are really high and how profoundly frightened they are and how we’re going to see Obama make a play for Dictator-For-Life any minute now.

Naturally the Freepers ate this shit up, because paranoid fantasy scenarios are only slightly less vital to the wellbeing of Freepers than food and water and air. A few months ago I declared that we were witnessing Peak Conservatism- I know now that I was wrong. The sheer heights of lunacy we saw back then are nothing compared to the statements Rush and Beck have got them all ginned up into making now. Witnesses of this special media event gathered in these two threads to discuss how ready they now are to whip out a gun and murder some liberals:

Stockpirate shows the same basic confusion with political terms that seems to dog every internet conservative:

Glenn Beck is an alarmist who is right on the
money! To arms, to arms, the communist fascists
are HERE!

If these ‘communist fascists’ have truly arrived then you should be able to explain the inherent contradictions of their two completely incompatible ideologies and make them disappear in a puff of logic- problem solved! Himno Hero is worried about the grave threat to America posed by the Russian monarchy, apparently:

Another czar? Now there is what 49? We are in
deeeeep shit! Time to face up to the facts!
They are already running a PARALLEL GOVERNMENT.

Next step is a crisis and they shift the power of
the military from the senate to the czars. Then
the people are S*C*R*E*W*E*D!

I mean sure, using ‘czar’ as a shorthand nickname for another post dates back to World War II, and sure their hero G. W. Bush had almost as many czars as Obama, but don’t let that distract you from how scary the word ‘czar’ sounds! Also hopefully you have no idea where the word comes from and don’t know that czars and communists should by nature be mortal enemies, but luckily your average freeper has literally no understanding of the words he hears from Rush and uses himself on a daily basis.

Sig Sauer P220 makes yet another Field Trip appearance:

I believe its going to come down to an armed
revolution. I see no other way.

Great job Rush and Beck, you’ve riled the belief in democracy right out of him. Nikos1121 tries to bring back a classic oldie:

Is it just a coincidence that Obama’s vacation and
seclusion coincides with RAMADAN?

It also coincided with Thursday, a day named after the god of thunder- Thor. A writer on this blog was once called “thunder-god” during an incident involving a tarp. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Obama writes for the Train of Thought. I’d like to imagine Chris37 was stroking his gun while he typed this up:

I have been of the opinion that there will be no
more federal elections in this country for some
time now. They ain’t giving up power. It’s going
to have to be taken from them.

Not even close to crazy compared to this one:

Honestly the way things are going if Beck and
Limbaugh disappeared I would not be shocked.

I sure hope those bloated fear-mongering demagogues are OK! Keats5 cracks me up:

I love Beck. He’s one of the few who really
investigates his own stories instead of just
passing around someone else’s news.

Does anyone who starts writing down incoherent ideas and misspelled conspiracy theories on blackboards get Freepcredit for ‘really investigating stories’? Someone hand me some chalk, I’ve got tons of seemingly unrelated events to string together! Bert lives in a terrifying place called Freeper Fantasyland:

If push comes to shove, the Secret Service will
off him. Marines will round up his comrades and
it will be all over except lawyers volunteering
for defense will be imprisoned.

And here we on the left wasted all that time hoping that Bush would be arrested and receive a trial- turns out a summary execution leading into a military coup would have been way more efficient! Blood of Tyrants sure has seen a lot in his day:

I have always noticed that there is a gradual
rising crescendo just before the storm.

Hahaha, yep, hard to miss. Toespi thinks this is a good time to up the general offensiveness of the thread:

Well, I guess we could ask the German Jews if
anything like this is possible. Not many left,
but I am sure we could dig a few up. Would
love to ask them where they thought they were
going when they so peacefully and willingly lined
up to get on the trains.

Uh… alright. Moving right on, Nervous Tick goes back to hoping for a military coup to overthrow our democratically elected government, because that’s what the hopes and dreams of the modern conservative movement have come to:

If our military says Bambi and his thugs don’t
stay in power, well then, they don’t stay in
power. Case closed.

At this point we have our customary dissident who tries to bring the rambling masses back to their senses:

Beck and those who adhere to his paranoid ramblings
are out of their collective minds.

Nice try, Verity. A bunch of posters assure him that Beck and Limbaugh are being perfectly reasonable and that all these people calling for assassinating the President and overthrowing the American government to replace it with a military dictatorship know exactly what they’re doing. I’ll close us out with this post by Cherry, which has many of the elements of the perfect freep post:

there will be a number of black soldiers who will
form their own army for zero.....
and it’ll be a muslim army....

The… horror…

Train of Thought Field Trip: Obama Lied, Kennedy Died

After seeing the amount of bile Free Republic managed to vomit up when Obama’s grandmother died last year, I was pretty curious about how they’d react to the passing of Senator Kennedy. Sure, tons of Chappaquiddick jokes, but what else? The site index is full of Kennedy threads at the moment, so I sampled from a few different ones. Taxtruth starts out with something that would set the tone for his thread:

Nothing better than hearing about another
dead rat bites the dust.The dirtbag
kennedy owed me money and never paid!

Nice. After hearing that Kennedy was apparently at some point almost signed by the Green Bay Packers, the thread took a surprising turn:

More of a fudge packer fan.

Clever, broken_arrow1- and these guys wonder why they never get any gay votes! Hold on, Renegade is about to chime in:

A Fudge Packer like Barney .

Ha. Oops wait there’s more from JaguarXKE:

Isn’t Barney Frank a “packer?”

Republican leadership really could learn a thing or two about why they never get many votes from minorities of any kind by looking at posts on Free Republic, but come to think of it I guess most Republican politicians are banking on exactly this crowd to keep them in power. Not done yet, Sig Sauer P220 needs to join the pile of freepers going to town on that dead horse:

Doesn’t Bwaney Fwank play with the Packers?

Minor rephrases of that same joke could fill a Field Trip of their own, so let’s move on. MNDude seems to be experiencing great emotional distress from the lack of a right-wing echo chamber to feed off, I hope he made it back to his own TV in time:

arrgh! I’m stuck at the airport and all the TV’s
are on CNN. You can’t believe how many times CNN
has talked about how important passing this health
bill was to Kennedy. Do airports in red-states
play FoxNews, are is it CNN everywhere?

Rapscallion comes up with his own plan to fix health care:

Start by getting the fraud out of Medicare. Then
fix the medical litigation problem. These two
things will cut costs by 40%.

Yeah, sure they will. Now I’ll propose a similarly realistic fix: have doctors wear small hats on Thursdays, and stop giving lollipops to children. These two things will cut costs by 40%. LS worships the predictive powers of Rush Limbaugh:

Rush predicted this a long time ago. All he has
to do is say something just ridiculous, and the
Dems will soon try to do it.

Limbaugh: I think the sun will rise tomorrow morning.
Freepers: GOOD LORD, THIS MAN IS A MIRACLE WORKER!!! HOW DOES HE DO IT?!?!
For our final thread, Freepers react to the statement issued by George W. Bush on Kennedy’s death:

Classy. Something that’s in short supply in
today’s world

Huh well yeah I guess Bush managed not to say anything stupid this time-

Gracious and classy.....as always.

Wait, “as always”? We’re talking about the same guy who pretended to look around the Oval Office for WMDs after failing to find any in Iraq while American bodies were being flown into Dover? Same guy flicking off the camera, calling a reporter a 'major league asshole,' snickering at everything and spending the better part of a decade pretending to be a down-to-Earth Texan? All the things you can call him, always classy isn’t really-

Class, as always, and as it should be.

Hahaha what the hell, Freepers from an alternate universe are back. Luckily Neighbor of the Beast shows up and seems to have kept some part of his sanity intact:

Bush “class” barfalert :(

Well said, well said. Uh, unless he’s barfing because he wanted the Bush statement to be a series of jokes about women drowning and Barney Frank having anal sex, but I’m going to go ahead and just assume/hope that isn’t the case.

Stay classy, Free Republic.

Train of Thought Field Trip: In The Grim Future Of The Birther Movement, There Is Only War

Watching Freepers decide whether they hate Muslims or communists more has lost some of its joy- their savage bloodlust always falls on the side of killing Muslims. A whole new matchup has come from an unlikely source, though- the Birthers. These are the guys who started by saying that Obama might not have been born in the USA, and have now advanced to positing that he’s the illegitimate Pakistani son of Malcolm X used as an anchor baby by his insane anti-American mother (honestly it would really make my day if even just one part of that turned out to be true). Naturally this viewpoint is pretty popular amongst the Free Republic/ Tea Party crowd.

Oddly enough our conflict comes from Ann Coulter, who decided that this whole thing is too out there (!!!) and dismissed the issue moments before calling the Birthers “cranks.” Hold on, don’t give her too many points for coming to a reasonable conclusion just yet! Keep in mind that she undoubtedly realized what very few of the Freepers have: that the GOP can ill afford to spend more time looking like insane racists. Whining about Sotomayor’s Latina pride and going on for months about how this black guy with an American certificate of live birth couldn’t possibly be an American is a recipe for disaster, assuming Republican politicians hope to eventually be electable outside the South once more.

What will triumph this time- the urge to follow their demagogue, or the promise of eventually unseating that damn Barack HUSSEIN Obama, Black Dude and President? This thread has all the answers:

Nanook sets the tone, albeit with a slightly puzzling non sequitur at the end:

Coulter has gone over to the dark side. Her
dark roots are showing.

Indeed they are, friend. BornToBeAmerican apparently hasn’t heard the good news:

Anne, you are losing it girl. In fact, I think
you have already. There would be No issue if
zero would show his Birth Certificate. Until
then, stop drinking the dims koolaide

Mr. K must have slept through the period where any Republican who suggested that Palin may not have been the best choice was tarred and feathered:

OK Coulter HAS NOT ‘gone to the dark side’ because
of this ONE ISSUE. Let’s not be as stupid as
democraps here. Ann Coulter is still one of the
most brilliant conservative voices that exist and
we need her. She is apparently not informed well
enough of the facts on this one issue.

Maybe she wouldn’t be one of your most brilliant voices if you hadn’t chased anyone with a functioning brain out of town? InvisibleChurch has no idea how the media works:

It doesn’t really matter if it’s true or not, no
one will be able to remove him from office. The
point is to keep pressure on the press, keep them
wasting resources refuting and defending it.

Psst buddy: a lively argument about stuff like this is how the media makes money, the more ridiculous crap you guys make up the happier they get. “Keep pressure on the press,” good lord, perhaps eventually they’ll drown in gold coins while attempting a Scrooge McDuck-style dive. The next post, by veteran poster FuzzyButt, reminds me of one of my favorite parts of Freeper logic:

I cannot believe that Ann Colter is bowing at the
alter of the looney left. Because Ann dear, that
is what you are doing if you carry even one drop
of water for this evil muslim fool.

If you haven’t arrived at the most outlandishly ridiculous conclusion possible, YOU are a member of the loony left! Extremely Extreme Extremist sounds like he was personally insulted by the DHS report, which means he must have some sort of critical insight on this issue:

Obama is not a natural-born U.S. citizen as
defined by the Constitution, and it's only a
matter of time before Americans will accept
an African-style communist dictatorship or a
short-term period of unrest and riots by the
Obamabots but which will restore our
Constitution.

Oh okay, I can see how one thing follows from the other. Rational Thought is an awesome username, pretend I wrote a joke about irony or something:

The trip I was referring to was the one a few
weeks before the Presidential election. The one
where he went to see his grandmother since she
wasn't doing so well. After the election, when
there was some free time, I noticed he didn't go
back to see her again.

I wonder if that’s because she died? Nah, couldn’t be. I can tell Bareford101 was THIS CLOSE to making an ACORN reference:

Coulter is bowing to pressure it sounds like...
who knows what the threats involve...

Finally WOSG shows up and starts making sense- which doesn’t go over well with his fellow forums users:

IMHO, Obama was born in Honolulu *AND* he will
never do anything to satisfy those with doubts
on that score (disbelievers of the evidence),
since it benefits him politically to have this
distraction out there.

You are correct, sir! Why anyone smart enough to figure that out would ever stick around on Free Republic is a mystery to me, it seems like they should be able to find some internet forum where they won’t be harassed and eventually banned for not being batshit insane. As my final exhibit here I’ll post the first of many angry replies WOSG received, from Jimbo123:

You cite George Soros’ FactCheck.org as your
source? That’s a good one...

Address any of his points? No way duder, I’m just here to shit up the thread with a clichéd Soros reference and then blast off into the aether in a rocket ship powered by my own farts, bye!

And the lucky recipient of 17 Uighur detainees is…

Palau! Far from being an onomatopoeic word describing the sound of another Bush-era mistake finally being rectified, Palau is actually a small Pacific island nation. Today they agreed to take the last of the Chinese Uighur detainees, people mistaken for Afghani or Pakistani jihadists and held in Guantanamo Bay for the last million years. Giving them to China would have resulted in surefire executions, so figuring out where to put them became an ongoing legal drama made all the more complicated by inexplicable Bush administration efforts to keep them imprisoned forever.

So they get to live out their days in Palau, which does sound better than being hunted by Chinese army divisions or enjoying torture sessions care of Uncle Sam. Reading the story made me wonder, though- how was Free Republic taking the news? A few months ago we saw that Freepers, confronted with a decision between supporting the authoritarian ~*Communist*~ Chinese government or the Muslim rebels trying to free their province, went on and on talking about how great Beijing is for torturing and killing Uighurs and wistfully pined for an America that would happily do the same. What do they think of the Uighurs new home? A great new thread gives us definitive answers.

Phrogphlyer wastes no time:

This could work. Palau could take the terrorists,
then take the money, then issue their own version
of terrorist hunting licenses.

I know I'd be up for a Pacific vacation if they did.

Just to summarize: Phrogphlyer sides with the communists, traditional enemy of all Freepers, in wanting to kill the Uighurs- even though everyone agrees that they aren’t terrorists. Everyone except for a bunch of morons on the internet, that is. Well surely other people must be a little brighter, Phrogphlyer is probably in the minority on this o-

deserted islands.......Low tide....pier pilings.....
crabs......barnacles.....sharks....industrial
strength cop tie wraps.......works for me....

Thanks usmcobra, I too salivate over the thought of the lawless, senseless killing of innocent people. Armsted Fragg must be worried about all the noise from jet planes keeping our Uighur friends up at night:

Hopefully, they’ll put them on one of the islands
without an airport.

Very considerate! Bustinchops presents some practical solutions:

Why not just let these guys walk out the front
gates of Gitmo and leave it up to them to
figure out where they;re going to go and how to
get there if they can find a place to take them.
Otherwise they can stay in Cube (I’m sure Castro
can find a use for them, even if it’s prison
labor in their wonderful facilities and system).
Spring ‘em with a handful of change for the pay
phone, a few bucks to eat off of, some toiletries,
a decent set of clothes and shoes and tell them
adios, then slam the door behind them. They managed
to behave in a way to get them thrown into Gitmo;
let them figure out their own ticket out, too.

Do you think the average Freeper realizes that ‘behaving in such a way as to get thrown into Gitmo’ can mean pretty much anything? Given that we can’t even figure out how most of them got there (and that reasons for ones we do know include things like ‘pissing off their neighbors with a noisy party’ and ‘being Muslim near a confused American soldier’) we can only conclude that ‘behaving in such a way as to get thrown into Gitmo’ can be pretty much any kind of behavior- I think Bustinchops qualifies. Mylife is worried about the children:

NOoooo!!! dont taint Micronesia with these pigs!

Heaven forbid a bunch of random Uighur Chinese end up in Micronesia, the place will be forever spoiled! Demshategod gives us one more:

That’s not fair. I need to behead some little kids
and shoot American soldiers so I can go live in Palua.
Oh well, I guess living in Oklahoma is better than
being a murdering Muslim.

There are no words.

Train of Thought Field Trip: ResistNet: The Aftermath

ResistNet might not be the largest meeting place for lunatics on the internet, but it does have the most heart! Two months ago we bravely ventured into the dark recesses of their forums to bring you the highlights of their insanity, capturing them here forever like a mosquito stuck in prehistoric amber. Also like a mosquito in amber, however, this unleashed a host of troubles* upon us. Packs of wingnuts followed the trail of mockery back to its source and did their best to annoy us here, culminating in some of the weakest trolls in the history of bothering people over the internet. The whole episode came to a close when their attention span (stretched to the breaking point by a week-long spread of posts) finally called it quits, forcing them to go home and discuss how evil Muslims are and exactly how badly they want to overthrow the government on their own forum.

The most interesting relics from this period are the threads made on ResistNet itself about us. The idea that liberals (dark enemies of all that’s good and holy) were “tracking” them (mocking their stupidity on the internet) set their paranoia glands into maximum overdrive, producing a series of threads full of bizarre fantasies about doing battle with this monolithic, Gestapo-style enemy (The Train of Thought and Tars Tarkas, specifically). It was then that someone uncovered the truth: we’ve been commissioned by ACORN and given piles of money and free houseboats by Keith Olbermann and George Soros. At least one of these threads was locked and then deleted by the moderators because of excessive** insanity, but some have survived. The following was taken from this thread, entitled “FBI, Liberal Sites Monitoring us, taking our names.”

George and Pat Wilkins start off the festivities with a fantastic post, which begins thusly:

Who Cares? Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin,
Thomas Pane, Patrick Henry, George Washington,
were all revolutionaries and I am a revolutionary.
Socialist Marxism, Communism, athism, have no part
in the american discourse they are unamerican.

Atheists, in my United States?! Ugh, unacceptable- I’m sure they also have some harsh words for the secularists and Deists amongst the Founding Fathers. Patsy apparently envisions us as The Department of the Train of Thought, located in an expansive compound outside Washington DC:

If our government is busy watching the millions
of people who are rising up against obamas rule,
who is watching the terrorists?

Diana B has been watching the terrorists, as it turns out:

Hahaha! That's really funny. WE are watching the
terrorists -- AND LOOK WHERE THEY ARE: “OBAMA PUTS
MUSLIMS IN THE WHITE HOUSE” by World Net Daily

Nothing like good old-fashioned racism to take a thread up to the next level. Darren (already noted here for his contributions in the past) proudly posts a letter he sent to the White House- I’ve cut it down due to length, but please feel free to click here and go 2/3 of the way down the page to read the entire thing. I promise the rest of it is even crazier than this portion would suggest:

Obama: You are a SOCIALIST a Marxist...you liar.
You are a fraud and a deceiver. You are pure evil.
You're not fooling the discerning. Your radical
past and current actions expose you. I pray you
fail for if you succeed you will destroy this
country to bring about your totalitarian socialist
dream. You and your wife have always hated America
and you plan to radically change it with your
foundation of Karl Marx replacing the Constitution
which you don't understand at all or do and despise
it. Sadly you are an enemy within this nation. A
destroyer. Wicked. Perhaps you should go back to
Indonesia where your true citizenship lies.

Dennis Howell TX4 District Coord likes what he sees:

Damn, Darren tell him how you really feal lol.
Whats realy funny is I feel the exact same way.

Ah, the District Coordinators, the cream of the crop. He can’t spell “feel” or “really” or use punctuation, but I’m sure a laughable grasp of the English language won’t get in the way of his district coordinating duties. Phil Dedrick has IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS:

Everyone needs to realize that on the ballot
last NOVEMBER, if you did not vote for the left,
they already have your name and number!!!

YES WE DO. The Train of Thought was sent a list of Republican voters by Rahm Emmanuel himself days after the election, which we frequently use for nefarious purposes. That’s just one of the perks of being part of the Obama Shadow Army (there are other perks but you have to swear fealty to ACORN before you can hear about them). Next up- I’ll give Jeff Hill the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s probably referring to government agents, but given the rest of what we’ve seen I wouldn’t be surprised either way:

Obama is a socialist and a Muslim. We know that.
We are Americans. My question, spook, is :
Are you with us or against us ?

Timothy M. Keisner chips in with this fascinating anecdote:

YES TO ALL THAT YOU STATED!.AND I DID SPELL MY NAME
RIGHT AND IN FULL. NOTHING TOO HIDE HERE I WAS BORN
WITH FREEDOM IN48 AND I SEEN A LOT HAPPEN MY MOTHER
MET JFK AT THE STRATEGIST AIR COMMAND I.E. OFFIT AIR
FORCE BASE NEBRASKA THEN I MET BOBBY WHEN HE WAS
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT JUST 2 MILES NORTH OF WHERE
HIS BROTHER WAS HE JUST UP AND STOPPED AND DECIDED
TO TALK TO WHOM EVER WOULD STOP THAT WAS A BLAST IT
WAS AT THE SOUTHROADS SHOPPING CENTER THAT IS STILL
THERE NOW I.E. BELLEVUE NE. COURSE I KNEW THEN EVEN
AT MY YOUNG AGE 19 THAT IS HE WOULD NEVER MAKE IT.

SORRY TO BLABBER ON. THEY WILL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM
MY LIFE THEY CAN HAVE BUT NEVER MY FREEDOM.

That post is the unambiguous winner of the Field Trip Award For Outstanding Achievements In The Field Of Incoherent Posting. BarbeLou reflects on the changing times:

I have always been a laid back, roll with the
flow type of person so I find it quite amusing
that I am now a radical and possibly a domestic
terrorist. Oh, how times have changed.
Bring it on, Bozos!

She isn’t sure if she’s a domestic terrorist? I would imagine most people are normally pretty sure about whether or not they qualify, but hanging out at ResistNet must change your perspective on these things. WingsofBird’s keystrokes will echo across history:

They BETTER worry, because millions of us will
not go quietly. DID YOIU READ THAT>>LIBERAL
LEFTIST COMMUNIST, CAPITALISM- GOD HATERS
READ MY KEYSTROKES!!

This question could apply to almost any of these posts, but what sort of parallel universe does he come from?! Does he go to work in the morning, get lunch with his friends at noon, wave hi to the neighbor as he returns home in the evening, and then start defiantly screaming about how he'll fight to the very death, and about how the US is about to transform into an enormous national gulag, a Guantanamo Bay stretching from sea to shining sea? Trying to figure out how any of these people function in real life is a time-consuming exercise. Next up the thread briefly turns into a Michele Bachman adoration station, which is cool because I had no idea that anyone anywhere holds a positive opinion of her. Finally at the end Bill Mullins has a strange moment of clarity:

If the left is monitoring this site it can be for
only one reason - to get fodder for a "Dumb
Conservative Joke of The Day" website.

Yep, either that or the scary option where we’re agents of a sinister movement to destroy America- whichever seems more likely. I’d also like to include one post from another thread, this one sadly deleted (it had been located here):

"By the way J.N. , what is your real name??????
Yeah Right!!!! Coward!!!!!!!!! You yourself better
stop making insinuating threats like the above one
to Joyce Rosenwald!!!! Understand, J.N.!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!! You think this is the only place in the
world that can be shut down????????? Why don`t you
come on here and talk to the PATRIOTS!! Hope you
get to sneak back in here and read this!!!! Don`t
care for your trashy liberal posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!! Like everything else liberal, it is a waste!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ahahahhahahhahahahhahahhahahahaha, so this is what ownage feels like. ResistNet is always fun- after looking through all these posts again I'm getting tempted to head back and see how they've come along in the last 7 or 8 weeks. Perhaps soon we can all travel back- back to Resistnet.

*Actually just minor annoyances, at worst. Imagine Pandora’s Box but instead of containing all of the world’s ills it just has a bunch of goofy rants about how stupid we are, and childish nicknames for our website. That’s all.
**Excessive even by their standards, so… lord help us all.

Train of Thought Field Trip: Free Republic Race Relations

For those of you who don’t follow stupid news, here’s the latest: Oprah gave away a bunch of chicken. A very large amount of chicken, as it turns out. More than KFC was able to provide, leading to a bunch of disappointed and angry customers who wanted free chicken and got a mob house and… well, no chicken. Why does Free Republic care? Well, take a look at the pictures and note the skin color of many of the people in the restaurants. In lieu of writing more of an introduction, I would just ask you to reflect on one of the most commonly invoked Free Republic mantras while you read their comments: “Republicans may have done (insert something hideous here), but liberals are the real racists!”

The following posts were taken from one of several million threads gleefully posted on the site. First, b4its2late does his best to exemplify the “fuck you, got mine” attitude:

Exactly what will happen when we have free health care.

Free health care = insufficient chicken and hungry mobs. Got it. SIDENET hasn’t ever met a black person, but he impresses his buds by aping one on the internet:

“WHERE MY FREE CHICKIN AT?”

Heh, maybe we’ll get a watermelon joke later! Hint: We will get many watermelon jokes later. Humblegunner wins the Field Trip Award For Outstanding Achievements In The Field Of Incoherent Posting with this masterpiece of a post:

Yo free chickins has gone home..
to roost. < /wright>

Reverend Wright, free chicken, 9-11… These things are all connected. After seeing a picture of the (mostly black) patrons in one KFC, Truth29 uses his eagle eye to assess the scene:

Too easy by half: Democrat voters, Obama brown
shirts, EITC recipients, etc.

I guess dropping the n-bomb is out of style these days, so just throwing up a litany of things you don’t like (one of which doesn’t even exist) will have to do. Mowowie wants to outdo SIDENET and his outstanding performance of “black person via the internet” so here he goes:

I havent got my free car and free house yet but
i sure as hell am gonna git my free chicken!!!

Dinah Lord is just having too much fun with this, and can’t help but to join in:

Where mah gubmint chicken?

Oprah is in the government now? Good to know. Doc Savage briefly interrupts the thread with this awesome joke:

I’ll have the Hillary Combo! Two very small
breasts, two enormous thighs, and beak!

Heh, get it? Because Hillary Clinton is bad and those are chicken parts. Vox Freedom finally cracks the watermelon barrier, an impressive achievement for sure:

Next up, free watermelons for everyone.
Part of the stimulus package.

Republic of Texas has a timely question:

This happened at Popeye’s also. Apparently poor
people think restaurants exist to give them free
food. Wonder where they got that idea?

If I had to guess I would say they got the idea to go to KFC and get free chicken from Oprah, unless the poor person hive-mind that controls all poor people has finally decided to make its war upon KFC. Kickass Conservative does some kickass posting:

I want my Pie, uh, Chicken!
I sure hope Oprah the Obama gets to the bottom
of this. Instead of “a chicken in every pot”,
it is now “a bucket of chicken in every crib”.

Oprah, fried chicken, Obama, the crib… "black people!" Just like that, a post is born. SonOfPyrodex reads about one woman who took her children with the hope of getting free chicken, and instead got no chicken. From the story he takes away the following:

My observations:

2) "Our income" - her and her kids = welfare
check.
3) "I take" - no father = welfare single mother.
4) "them" - multiple kids = multiple fathers
4) Considers KFC a "restaurant" = menthol cigs +
Colt 45 malt liquor.

Welfare mothers, multiple fathers, fried chicken, menthol cigarettes… "black people!" Apparently literally ever person on Free Republic is unsure about whether there’s any other kind. Anyway it’s been a few posts since we’ve had one of these:

Should have bought a slice of watermellon.......

Thanks, Jmax. As a brief aside from all the racism I wanted to share this post by yarddog:

Now I know a girl, a very pretty and popular one
who could get a guy to take her anywhere she wants
including really first class restaurants. She
prefers KFC. She also loves Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.
Must be something about grease she loves. What ever,
it hasn’t done her figure or face any harm as she
is a real babe.

Great story, buddy! I could read all day about his friends/vague acquaintances and the effects of various diets on their health. Smokingfrog follows the train of thought originally started by SIDENET:

All kinda coopins? What kinda coopins? Food
coopins? I needs mor food coopins! I could
use some gas coopins an mortgage coopins too.

Spelling errors, horrific grammar, coupons, presumably bad mortgages… "black people!" These guys have an understanding of African Americans which is most easily compared to Stormfront, yet Free Republic is somehow viewed as a fairly mainstream website. TC Rider raises the stakes even higher:

What will Okra be giving away next week?
Watermelon?

Oprah is black, so her name is actually Okra. Also, watermelon. Rebelbase manages to tie in Obama with a level of ease which can be shocking for those unfamiliar with the ways of Free Republic:

Looks like Zero is gonna head out for lunch
again today.

GET IT? "BLACK PEOPLE!"

And still, these guys wonder why the vast majority of African Americans won't vote for them.

Train of Thought Field Trip: Free Republic Revisits China

Real life has been taking up a lot of my time lately- in lieu of writing the next entry in the Conservative Movie series we’ll go on a quick field trip instead. A few months ago we gasped in horror at the grim spectacle of freepers talking about China (racism and general ignorance ruled the day- who would have thought?!), and now it’s time to head over there once more. A quick keyword search for “China” revealed that these guys haven’t learned much since our first visit:

First comes this thread, about how a jihadist journal has urged the Uyghur people of Xinjiang province to make war on the Chinese government. That isn’t a particularly surprising call given that Xinjiang is already pretty restless, although nationalism has traditionally been a far bigger motivator than religion over there. Who will freepers side with, the ~*Communist*~ Party of China or the (Muslim) insurgents trying to reclaim their homeland? Vladimir998 solves this conundrum immediately:

I’m no fan of the Chi-coms, but I have to admit
that they know how to deal with jihadists.
They kill them.

Are you fighting against an occupying power that persecutes you constantly and plans to use the magical power of demographics to erase your home forever? If so congratulations, you deserve death! I get the feeling HiTech RedNeck wishes we could be more like the Chinese government:

Sometimes the Chinese also torture them.

All of our problems would melt away if we could just torture like the Chinese do. Markos33 continues this wistful train of thought:

The ChiComs won’t play around with the towel
heads... they’ll send them to meet their virgins.

UGH WHY CAN’T WE JUST DITCH HUMAN RIGHTS AND KILL ANYONE WHO OPPOSES US? Mathurine somehow gets every single fact backwards:

Why would anyone do that to the lovable and
engaging mohammedan terrorists? All they want to
do is live peacefully with the people they
subjugate, whilst beheading your occasional
backslider.

Just to be clear, this guy writes in support of an authoritarian government which has subjugated an unwilling population and kills them for any reason or no reason whatsoever- and this is acceptable to him because they’re Muslim. Not content with swooning over the deaths of Muslims in just one thread, this one describes the execution of two Uyghur men found guilty of killing policemen last summer. Presumably freepers are aware that even “kangaroo court” is far too kind a term to use on Chinese courts, and the article also mentions that the government has sentenced two Tibetans to death for the riots last year. Will sham trials and dead Tibetans change the minds of our freeping friends? AM by beef doesn’t think so:

You have to give them credit for administering
swift justice, something we only give lip service
to. I also like their method. Fast, practical, no nonsense.

Ahahaha “justice,” that’s great. Niuhuru agrees:

I admire it too. Say what you will, their
government treats criminal filth like criminals.

Evidence, fair trial, jury of peers? All these things do is get in the way of summarily executing people you don’t like- a method which freepers apparently find preferable. Finally we visit this thread, where the news that China has developed an anti-aircraft carrier missile riles up the (admittedly easily-riled) posting populace. Wuli really ought to change his handle, sounds like he might be a you-know-what:

Great news, particularly coming on the day that
Gates, the defense secretary, is about to tell
us all the weapons systems programs he wants to
end or cut back, in line with the blind belief
that “asymmetric”wars like Afghanistan are all we
need worry about.

Yeah, the news that the Chinese have developed a carrier-killing missile means we should spend more money on weapons to fight symmetrical wars- like aircraft, and maybe some carriers to carry them with! Maybe the Chinese will just eventually get sick of sinking them and surrender. SunkenCiv has an easy, practical solution:

Dropping an asteroid on ‘em would pretty much
fix all these problems. Smaller ‘roids would
fix each of the 56 or 57 Muzzie states.

To be serious for a moment: people like SunkenCiv are the reason why we (as a species) can’t have nice things. WYKayaker comes out of left field at the last minute to secure the Field Trip Award For Outstanding Achievements In The Field Of Incoherent Posting, an award I’ll be giving out once per update if any posts have sufficient merit:

I don't fear the enemy in my sights! It's the
poseur in the White House, with all the ACORN
goons and Socialists Washington Pols, who are
most to be feared.
China will be just as strong next year.
I doubt we will be...

A thread over there really isn’t complete until someone finds an ACORN connection. I’m just disappointed that they didn’t manage to explicitly link the anti-carrier missile with ACORN- the existence of these two completely unrelated things can’t be a coincidence!

Will Free Republic ever throw off the shackles of racism and rampant stupidity? Maybe we’ll find out next time.

Train of Thought Field Trip: ResistNet Part III: The Dramatic Conclusion

Last time on Train of Thought Field Trip: After being told by visiting ResistNetters that we had somehow chosen the only crazy thread on the entire site for the first Field Trip, the second Field Trip showcased two all-new exercises in lunacy. With their initial argument disproved, the ResistNetters faced a difficult choice: give up and go home, or make up something else as a last-ditch attempt to appear sane? The second one proved more tempting, and from that came the claims that we took their comments “out of context.”

It is with that in mind that I now present the third trip to ResistNet, featuring three threads. For the last two Field Trips I’ve cut down a handful of the transcriptions because of length, but each comment here appears completely unchanged- none of their psychotic ramblings have been abridged in any way. I warned them last time that this wouldn’t help their case, that leaving out a bunch of rambling aimless conspiracy theories actually helps them, but they didn’t listen. Behold ResistNet as you’ve never seen it before!

In my first journeys into the site I hadn’t noticed anything particularly racist, which seemed weird for such a far-right site. This thread by Cindy McGee Mo Dist 9 Coord changes that completely- after a video about the evils of Islam the racists go wild. Repeat offender Jack007 starts us off nicely:

Islam is a death cult based on murder, torture,
rape, Violent jihad, supremacism and death to
ALL non-believers.

Speaks for itself, really. Clifton.C breaks it down in a nice, easy way:

They are the ENEMY!!!!!!! there so called bible,
is filled with hate, let me explain we love life,
Muslims love death

Good to know that Muslims love death, eh? That’ll come as a real shock to the Muslims I know, I hope they aren’t upset to find out that they don’t actually love life. RabidRex posts a call to arms:

If the biggest threats to America are socialist
liberals and Islam, how did we end up with such
a dangerous weanie wrap running the show in
Washington?

Never under estimate the ignorance and stupidity
of American voters! Never underestimate how much
the jihadists hate you. Action is required and the
time is fast approaching when it will be too late
if action isn't taken. What happened to all the
militias? About time they clean house in America!

When he says ‘clean house in America,’ am I to take it that he wants militias to go after Muslims and ‘socialist liberals’? I’m not sure how else one is supposed to read that. Maybe he actually meant something perfectly innocuous, like having militias start house-cleaning services or something?

On to the next thread,where the thread starter claims that all guns will be confiscated by September. Michigan Patriot starts out looking like he might be a voice of reason, but then something goes terribly awry:

Yeah, I read about this yesterday but it's
something that would be difficult to confirm.
It may be true but you need multiple sources for
it to have credibility. If it is true there's
only a couple ways they could make that happen
in such a short period of time. It would mean that
they would need to bring in 300,000-500,000 UN
troops with heavy artillary and also use chemical
weapons. It's very possible, I wouldn't put
anything past Obama and this evil government and
the globalists that control them. My research
concludes that there already is foreign troops in
our country along with UN and other foreign
military armored vehicles. It certainly wouldn't
be a stretch to say this couldn't happen. If this
is true or not, sometime in the near future we will
be in for the battle of our lives. Get ready, it's
coming.

More context sure helped this guy! Pretty realistic scenario he's envisioned there. Oh and also there are already foreign troops inside our country according to his 'research,' good thing the LIEBERAL MEDIA won’t report it, right? John P. has a flair for the dramatic:

You can get my Gun out of my Cold Dead Hands.

That Sounds like An invitation Doesn’t It. I’ll Call lord soros and aCORN Tonight And Ask Them to send obama Brown shirts To Get You.  Cheryl stops the thread derail by posting more entirely factual information about the UN:

It is part of the UN Millenium Declaration that
is part of the Global Poverty Act. This gives
the UN Army the RIGHT to enter America and disarm
it's Citizens.
1) The UN Millenium Goals were setup in 2000, and
are a stated part of the Bush Administration's
foreign policy.
2) This act doesn't setup any budgetary
requirements all it does is "require the President
to develop and implement a comprehensive strategy"
for a foreign policy which is already in effect
since 2000.
3) this is not Obama's bill, its a companion bill
to the first bill introduced in the House by Adam
Smith, but Obama supported this bill when he was
in the Senate.
UN Global Poverty Act requires US to pay 845
billion to the UN and adhere to UN treaties. Also
Sets up international courts that supersede our
courts. Money will not be used in the US .

I like the last sentence best, apparently we’re moving towards a post-currency utopia? But it’s a bad thing? Perhaps she’ll post over here and clarify. John C Matthews is up next:

Hi Sandy, the second time I have seen this one
today. Are there any verifications from more
friendly source than Kremlin spokesmen? I have some
reservations on this story. Could you furnish any
kind of statement from any Western news source. I
know the mainstream media is in the tank, but there
are a couple of sources like Politico and CNS.com.
Very disturbing.

Yes- no believable sources, yet still ‘very disturbing.’ Does John C Matthews look at pictures of Bat Boy on tabloid covers and shiver, chilled to the core by the very believable existence of a hideous bat-child? This is pretty much the political news equivalent of that. Our third and final thread takes us to another ridiculous story, where an Israeli fake psychologist has been writing about how awful Obama is. Fight the Power actually calls out the thread-starter on how absurd the whole thing is:

I always make it a habit to check the authenticity
of anything forwarded by email. According to
snopes.com, Dr. Sam Vaknin is not a psychologist,
nor is he a mental health professional in any
respect. The "Dr." refers to a doctorate in
philosophy from the unaccredited Pacific Western
University. The article cited was composed by
someone else with a few bits of actual material
from Mr. Vaknin. Please authenticate things like
this before you post them - it does our cause no
good to be citing fraudulent articles.

Also, it turns out Vaknin has gotten in trouble for making up all sorts of things before while claiming to be a doctor. How do the ResistNetters react to this sobering bit of information? John takes it in stride:

I see nothing here that would indicate this is a
"Fraudulent Article" as you say, So I figure that
your statement is just a matter of your own opinion.

SNOPES? Please! I don't put ANY stake on what snopes
says, as they tend to be biased towards the left
anyway.

I don't see where "DR." Sam Vaknin's being a "Mental
Health Professional" or not, discredits his opinion
what so ever, he is a recognised authority on the
subjuct who has voiced his opinion on Obama,
an opinion you obviously disagree with,so you have
set about to discredit the good doctor.

Having observed many members of the Democratic
party for many years, I would have to say that
Narcissism, is quite a commom trait among the
Democratic hierarchy.

This is one of those posts I would have trimmed down a bit in the past- but now we can see that instead of merely being a little bit off, this guy is completely insane! Thank god for adding context. Let me add a bit more, by throwing in his next post in the same thread:

Just exactly what is this "Cause" you speak of
Fight the power? The "Cause" of Defending Obama?
You sound just like one of those Know it alls
who came out of some institution of LOWER Learning
with a robe, a piece of worthless paper, and a
very high opinon of yourself. As a fervent defender
of Obama, it is you Sir that are Gullible, to the
extreme.

Quite frankly Sir, I don't give a damn what his
credentials are, or what his proper academic title
is, or where he went to college, or even if he is
a convict.

I care not at all for the mind numbed socialist
sheep being indoctrinated at todays institutions of
lower learning, and it sound to me like you are one
of those.

What ever this guys title, or background, or
criminal history, he's DEAD RIGHT on this issue,
And it doesn't take magical mystery tour in academia
to figure this out.

Vaknic has the one thing they failed to bestow on
you whilst you were entranced by your academic
exploits. He has common sense.

Railing against academia, ignoring blatant contradictions within his own post and also within the story he’s trying to defend, AND accusing the other guy of being a brainwashed zombie? This post has it all and I’m glad that the entire thing is here for the world to see, instead of just a smaller portion of it. Meanwhile JAMES PAUL WILKERSON,JR IS ALWAYS SHOUTING:

TO JOHN TALKING ABOUT THE FOREFATHERS IF THEY LIVED
TODAY. THEY WOULD NOT STAND FOR WHAT IS GOING ON.
THERE WOULD BE NO DOUBT, THERE WOULD BE A REVELUTION,
A WAR. THEY HAD A SET AND THEY EXERCISED THAT
STRENGTH.

Is a ‘revelution’ a huge angry party? If so, I might actually agree with his post. Dan’s post doesn’t make sense, no matter how many times I read it:

this doc is so target i still think he,s iilegal
president

uhrgiuhargnfjgnkrg to you too, buddy. Greg Carpenter can’t believe it’s not factual!

WOW!!!!!!!

Literally can’t believe it. Karenlee is our last contributor, somehow ignoring the pages of controversy about how Vaknin is a fraud to add her views:

WOW, thanks for the insight. I think this pretty
much answers most of our questions about this man.
It sure helped me to answer the question of why he
has helped divide us even more now...than ever
before. It seems the USA is in for serious trouble
to come.

I think they’ve officially run out of excuses now, although you never know what wondrous thing the mind of a wingnut will create. Having proved that additional context just makes them look crazier, I once again declare victory in the name of the Train. I will ask that each of you take a moment to reflect on the plight of the handful of reasonable people stuck over there: the odd man or woman trying to hold the site to a level of factual basis which their peers simply will not allow. May they eventually realize that the internet has a number of communities which aren’t dominated by nutcases!