Saturday, November 1, 2008

Barackalypse Now (Spooky Halloween Update)


WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SOME SERIOUSLY CREEPY STUFF. THOSE PRONE TO THE WILLIES OR CONTRACTING SERIOUS CASES OF THE HEEBIE JEEBIES SHOULD NOT READ ON!!!

A child is sick. Little Timmy (the Child I just mentioned) is a good Christian. He wants to go to the hospital but he can’t! His father (also a good Christian) comes and sits by his bed to explain why he can’t take the child (remember, very sick) to the hospital:

“Well Timmy, I’d love to drive you over there and let the doctors help you get better. But ever since Grand Ayatollah Obama instituted universal health care, lines at the hospital have been too long!”

Little Timmy coughs, and his father says a prayer to ask Jesus to help out.

“I’d give you some medicine myself, son, but it’s been hard to come by since all the good, god-fearing states seceded. If only we were on the right side of the Confederate border! When you get better we can try to sneak across.”

Timmy starts to cough, but freezes in terror as an explosion rocks the quiet suburban night.

“Have no fear, child! That’s just the heathen islamists securing another victory against the United States army, which we all know is worthless without troops from the south and a strong faith in god,” the father says with a knowing wink towards the reader, who is left to decipher that Obama is somehow behind this.

Tommy (still sick) reaches for his bible, but it isn’t there.

“I know you would like to read the bible, son, but all bibles were confiscated after Inauguration Day. Squads of married gay men and women were sent house to house, collecting bibles and crossing IN GOD WE TRUST off of all dollar bills. This is why the economy crashed.”

Timmy died. Later some guy (likely a minority) robbed Tommy’s father and purchased drugs with the money. The end.

Oooooooh*! I’m the ghost of Uncle Sam! Forward this as an email to everyone you know to help keep Obama from killing me or I’ll break into your polling place in the middle of the night and make a mess of your ballots. Ooooooh!



*Read this like a low moan, not someone going “ooooooh!” as in, “I just figured it out” or something.

2 comments:

  1. There is something very wrong with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. kari i even put up a notice warning you about how scary this one is, not my fault if you terrified yourself with this stunning cautionary tale

    ReplyDelete