Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ted Stevens’ Wallet, Part Two: Ted Stevens’ House Is Not a Dump Truck

When last we left this saga, erstwhile Senator Stevens had succumbed to a vicious cabal of wealthy Alaskans scheming to give money to Stevens in order to change his behavior, and make it look like a bribe. As 6.54 noted last night, the verdict has been delivered: Ted Stevens has been found guilty. After reviewing statements from the trial it isn’t clear how they could have reached this decision, given airtight defenses such as:

"He bought that chair as a gift, but I refused it as a gift," Stevens said. "He put it there and said it was my chair. I told him I would not accept it as a gift. We have lots of things in our house that don't belong to us."

This is probably the most profound statement Stevens has ever made, even considering his masterful summary of two random objects that the internet is and is not like. The chair is the least of Stevens’ worries, however. Sources close to the investigation have passed on more information, making this another Train of Thought exclusive:

Claim: Shortly after Stevens told a representative of the telecom companies that he would help “crush the unions with [his] own two fists,” he received an unspeakably large high-definition plasma television. The report notes that the television was so large that the first investigator who saw it inside Stevens house “went mad and killed himself.”
Defense: “Well, yes, that is an enormous tv. And you do have to be careful when viewing it, don’t want to be driven mad with eldritch horror by its size. But the guys who brought it over? Friends. We were palling around, they gave me a huge tv, I tried to regift it to them, they regifted it to me, you know how it goes! Oh and in the meantime I declared war on the unions for other, unrelated reasons.”

Claim: An investigator passing through Stevens’ garage discovered it to be a cavernous facility stretching back towards the horizon, overflowing with expensive cars*. A desk on the 15th floor of the garage contained unsent thank-you notes to oil companies, revealing Stevens to be not only corrupt but impolite.
Defense: “I really did mean to get back to them, just drop a quick line expressing my appreciation… What’s that, the cars themselves? Right, right, I have lots of cars in my garage that don’t belong to me. Other people drive them over, I refuse to take them, they give me the keys and park the car in my garage and leave and then I drive the cars around. They aren’t mine though.”

Claim: Needing a break from cataloguing Stevens’ ill-gotten possessions, a pair of investigators headed to the bathroom only to find a diamond-encrusted golden toilet with a seat made of fine ivory, which flushes only with the most expensive brandy. Additionally, investigators noted that it uses dozens of gallons of brandy per flush, well over the EPA limit allowed even for toilets merely using common water.
Defense: “I had to do something with all the brandy I had from deals with various liquor consortiums, so getting a bribe from the ‘diamond-encrusted golden toilet with a seat made of fine ivory that only flushes with the most expensive brandy’ industry just seemed like the smart thing to do. This is just common sense guys.”

Claim: Finally, an authentic Faberge egg was found in Stevens’ bedroom. The Senator appears to have written “PROPERTY OF TAD” [sic] in red crayon on the side, obscuring a miniature portrait of Czar Nicholas the 3rd.
Defense: “Well the egg is certainly technically within the confines of my house, and it does appear to be emblazoned with a misspelling of my name, but I think everyone is blowing this way out of proportion. What days are these when a simple senator can’t own and deface a Faberge egg without suspicions of bribery? Sure, I pal around with a lot of businesses. So what if they brought a Faberge egg and left it here? Doesn't mean it's mine.”

There you have it. Good luck Senator, the entire Train writers board is pulling for you!

*Experts noted that many of the cars were stuffed with trash, casting doubt as to whether Ted Stevens understands exactly what does and does not qualify as a dump truck.


  1. There, I did it: I wrote something about someone other than Sarah Palin. Writing this gave me a brief glimpse of what my life was like before her nomination.

  2. Too bad! I'm adding Sarah Palin to your post anyway! Her response:
    Palin: I have great respect for the senator…. His voice, his experience, his passion needs to be heard across America...There’s a big difference between reality and perception regarding our relationship.

    I'm guessing she's going to wish she didn't say that.

  3. I am innocent. This verdict is the result of the unconscionable manner in which the Justice Department lawyers conducted this trial. I ask that Alaskans and my Senate colleagues stand with me as I pursue my rights. I remain a candidate for the United States Senate.


  4. just because Caribou Barbie was palling around with a convicted felon two years ago does not make her a felon. it makes her a hot, prison mom. Palin-Hughley 2012!

  5. I should probably come clean about the fact that my first instinct was to talk about Sarah Palin in my Ted Stevens post and I resisted it as well. (It would've even been legit! Her statement about the $150,000 worth of clothes not belonging to her was basically the same insane defense.)

    Good thing we're talking about her in the comments, though. Not sure I could've made it all day.