Friday, October 24, 2008

Sarah Palin Determined To Strike Future Republican Ballots

I suspect I’m not alone in my admiration of Sarah Palin. Her addition to the ticket was a very significant moment in the campaign collapse that now leaves McCain little time to pull ahead. While she initially took the country by storm, McCain appears to have done no contingency planning for what he must have assumed was a far-fetched scenario: “What if America doesn’t like Sarah Palin?” After the initial bounce it’s been an almost uninterrupted downward slide. Chalk it up to her total ignorance of national-level topics, or to her tendency to throw hate rallies that leave most Americans appalled, or maybe even to her inability to answer the simplest questions possible- if asking what newspapers you read leaves you utterly bewildered, it’s time to rethink your career in politics. Hell, she still doesn't even know what the VP does.

One would assume that the GOP would be anxious to bench Palin before she becomes any more of a laughingstock, but now it appears we might see the opposite: Newsweek writer Andrew Romano speculates that Palin might be positioning herself for a 2012 run. For President. Of the United States. Of America.

Take a moment to consider that, and I’m sure you’ll come to the same conclusion I did: if this happens, Obama is winning 8 years in November, instead of the usual 4. Palin already has extremely limited appeal, and given how many Republicans are going to hold grudges against her for contributing to the destruction of the McCain ’08 campaign, she isn’t going to be any more popular then than she is now. The far-right cultural conservatives might still be completely enamored of her, but if they manage to carry her through the Republican primary she’ll be almost without hope in the general election.

I say ‘almost’ because there is one demographic that might save her. I’m talking about people who would vote for her ironically*, something which I’m proud to admit I would love to do. I see it as a win-win situation: if she loses, hey, I’ll have the novelty of being able to say I voted for the worst** candidate in American history. If she wins, I’ll have helped troll all of America and, ultimately, the entire world. As others write furiously about the impending age of darkness, I’ll be able to contentedly sit back and admire the electoral equivalent of forcing every man, woman, and child on Earth to stare at goatse- for four years.

To help encourage her I’m looking into starting yet another political action committee: Party Enmity My Ass, or PEMA. We’ll set out to prove that people with wildly different beliefs can occasionally come together to support a candidate, albeit for wildly different reasons. After spending several months yelling and crying with excitement at PEMA headquarters*** I’ll be proud to walk into the voting booth and do my part to help ruin America, Palin-style. I hope you’ll join me, too.

* “Blah blah blah that isn’t what irony means”
** I’m trying to think of anyone who could be considered a worse candidate, and coming up empty-handed. If you think you know of one, congratulations, I don’t care.
*** Burnt-out shack on the side of the highway. Still, as long as you don’t require any evidence I’m going to insist on claiming that I have billions of dollars and innumerable supporters.


  1. See, I think neither Obama or McCain will spend more than four years in office. My fear is the economic crisis will cast an unfavorable light on Obama regardles of what he does resulting in a backlash, not unless W. Anyway everyone doesn't believe she is a bad leader...I direct you to my post on the conservative young males voting for the "hot chick." People who vote like that shouldn't be able to vote. I kind of want to let them know we are voting for President not homecoming queen.

  2. dream 2012

  3. Kari- already posted this more or less on your facebook wall, but anyways-

    The conservative males voting for her are the best part. These guys are absolutely infatuated with her and have so far been unable to notice that the rest of the country hates her. Her like/dislike numbers are in the negatives, by far the worst of the four primaries in this election.

    So yeah, let the conservative males fall in love with her... as long as the other 75% of the country rejects her, that's absolutely fine.

    nimsofa- that site didnt open, might be the great firewall randomly deciding i shouldn't read it. i take it some people are already unironically behind the idea?

  4. actually that site is a joke. its one of those point and clicks where animations happen on the screen. it has sarah palin sitting in the oval office with a picture of Tom Cruise as Maverick on the wall and a pittbull with lipstick under her desk. no sign of McCain though. I'm guessing he died of mysterious causes on a moose hunting expedition with Todd.

  5. Palin to press corps: "I used to back spin, now I spend stacks at Sak's & Uncle Sam tryin' to tax all my hard-earned raps... damn!" oh wait a minute, that was Peedi Crakk. my mistake.