Saturday, October 25, 2008

Yahoo Election Center, You’re Awesome

Maryland and DC residents are used to being passed over by presidential-level campaigns. The only thing representing a more hilarious waste of money for a Republican candidate than purchasing air time in Maryland would be purchasing air time in DC. While everyone else gets to spend multiple hours every day watching the contenders blast each other with scurrilous charges and overheated rhetoric, we have to pretend that catching the greatest hits versions on YouTube is the same thing. I wasn’t quite prepared for this, though, courtesy of the YAHOO SERIOUS BUSINESS (WE’RE AN ACTUAL NEWS SITE WE SWEAR) ELECTION CENTER:

Apparently the guys at Yahoo haven’t been able to tear themselves away from monitoring second-by-second results from swing states or confusing search engine results with news or hosting Q&A sessions with what might actually be the stupidest people on the internet to take the approximately 7.03 seconds it would take to color Maryland and DC blue. I understand that acting like you’re part of the media is a time-consuming activity, but maybe there’s an intern or something that they could ask to guess about which way the vote might go? Last time I heard DC went 93% Democratic or something outrageous like that, I don’t think anyone would challenge you even if your sample size was solely comprised of one crazy guy from the street corner, a stray cat, and a family of tourists from Wichita (note: Wichita is a city in Kansas, not Canada as I had previously imagined. Knowledge is power.) whose answers you don’t even listen to.

It’s time for people to take notice of Maryland and the District. Maryland is a great state! We gave you Mike Rowe, we were kind enough to shoot Governor George “I will never be outniggered again” Wallace for you, and we were repeatedly referenced in Pulp Fiction or Wedding Crashers or something! Meanwhile DC is forced to play host to even the crappiest politicians- the jerks you guys elected and sent our way. Believe me, if we had the power to banish these people to the other side of the country using just our votes, we would. So here’s the deal: we’ll continue to house your terrible political choices, provide quality voice-acting talent, and shoot your racist governors, if you’ll just promise to air an attack ad or two here and color us in on the damn map.



  1. Just to clear up any confusion: DC is for tolerating shitty politicians, Maryland is for shooting them. Oh, and Bel Air doesn't count as Maryland for the purposes of this post.

  2. I think if McCain wins we should send all the crappy politicians to Arizona. I mean it only seems far. But then again, hopefully McCain isn't going to win.

  3. we were kind enough to shoot Governor George “I will never be outniggered again” Wallace for you,

    i was never more proud to be from Maryland than the time i learned that George Wallace was shot here. so serious

  4. It's the little shooting racists.