The Conservative Guide to ACORN

Confused about what ACORN really is? It’s hard not to be, what with all the intense and occasionally contradictory accusations making the rounds right now. This handy guide will hopefully clear up some misconceptions and help everyone make sense when they talk about ACORN.

WHAT IS ACORN?
ACORN is an arch-liberal partisan arm of the Democratic Party, established centuries ago by a secretive cabal of progressive wizards and haunted spirits. It stands for Atrocious Criminal Onslaught against Republican Notions, a fact which is actively suppressed by those in the Liberal Media who seeks to downplay the malicious nature of the organization.

WHAT DOES ACORN DO?
This can be a hard question for many American conservatives to answer, due to a total inability to differentiate between voter fraud and voter registration fraud. ACORN members have been successfully prosecuted for the second, but instances of the first are rarely found, if ever. Attempts to find actual voter fraud tend to end disastrously (for example, the media had a field day with an ACORN voter registration for one “Duran Duran” who had voted in New Mexico- until a New Mexican looked in a phone book and found someone with that name in Albuquerque), which is surprising given the widespread allegations online that ACORN somehow threw the election for Obama.

Insisting on alleging massive voter fraud without any examples just shows a lack of creativity, though- ACORN can be blamed for pretty much anything! Your imagination is the only limit on what evil ACORN has pursued today. Got a sandwich of poor craftsmanship at the deli? Stubbed your toe on the slightly-elevated rise inside your front door? Misplaced the remote once more, despite your solemn pledge to keep better track of it? “Damn you ACORN, have you no decency?!” should be your response to any such scenario. People have already seriously accused ACORN of forming a Black Shirt-style thug force and of causing the economic downturn, so start thinking about unique accusations you can make.

HOW CAN ACORN BE STOPPED?
It can’t! My personal ACORN theory is that the organization is actually an enormous computer network holding almost the entire population of the Earth in thrall, sort of like a mix between SkyNet and the Matrix. Captive human minds are used to constantly run massive simulations of Barack Obama winning various elections, for no reason other than to mock the few remaining free conservatives. Their plan to go back in time and change the past accidentally resulted in the original creation of ACORN, creating a stupid Hollywood paradox which doesn’t quite work out logically but still fills theater seats. Instead of infiltrating resistance cells with robotic Terminators, the ACORN mainframe sends out James Dalton clones that tear through humans just like real Double Deuce bouncers. Does that make any sense? Nope, none whatsoever! That’s the glory of ACORN- reality has no place in accusations against it.

DAMN, THAT DOES SOUND UNSTOPPABLE. WELL WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?
Complain on the internet. Continue to use voter fraud and voter registration fraud interchangeably, like the pros at Pajama Media. Post broken links to phantom websites which claim to show live voter fraud occurring at ACORN HQ. Do not under any circumstances attempt to grapple with real issues that voters care about.

Thank you for reading this Train Conservative Guide. Upcoming titles include: "Limbaughnic Infallability And You: Life In A Post-Nuance World" and "Open The Blood Gates: A Guide To Being Insane About Reproductive Rights On The Internet."