Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Growing Menace: The Undead Bush Administration

For the last few days this news item has been bouncing around the internet. In short, archaeologists have discovered the body of an Italian woman who was buried in 1576 with a rock in her mouth because she was thought to be a vampire. In what surely cannot be a coincidence, over the last week members of the Bush administration have been appearing on news shows and in interviews with alarming frequency. Did we as a nation forget to drive a stake through their collective heart before they left office?

The sightings were dismissed as rumor at first: a villager in Idaho claimed to have seen Dick Cheney flying through the air at night, while an eerie silence descended over his farm. Later he was shot in the face by a phantasm. A Virginian peasant woman was startled to find Condoleezza Rice sleeping in a coffin in her basement, but by the time authorities arrived nothing remained but the distant sound of someone playing “Condoleezza Will Lead Us” from some mysterious hidden location. A mining town in Pennsylvania was plagued by a ghostly voice snickering and making up childish nicknames for everyone nearby. Flowers in a remote Maine forest bloomed in the middle of winter, but instead of containing the usual flower particles and components they were filled with feces. “Very gross,” one of the locals was quoted as saying.

As the weeks have gone by their powers have grown, with several members of the Undead Bush Administration gaining the ability to manifest themselves in front of members of the press. This photograph shows Dick Cheney appearing in broad daylight, while the anchor moves to poke out his own eyes from sheer terror:

Before he disappeared Cheney stated that Scooter Libby is innocent and that he’s been left “hanging in the wind,” perhaps a warning to Libby that he’ll soon join the ranks of the U.B.A. Cheney also said that Obama has been making the US less safe, which is pretty funny given how well his crew performed in life. Cheney isn’t the only figure from the past to reach out from beyond the grave and trouble America once more- Karl Rove is at it again too. Bill O’Reilly was minding his own business when Rove’s fiendish apparition spoke unto him, leading to this conversation:
OREILLY: Now in the Bush White House did you guys ever
threaten anybody that disagreed with you? Because they
were legion, did you ever threaten anybody?

ROVE: Not that, not that, you know, not that I recall.
But I mean, I can tell you for darn certain we didn't
go after them as this woman boasted in the Politico
piece. She boasted about how they went out out and
slimed a couple of people.
Rove has apparently been cursed to spend his political afterlife roaming the Earth making the most ludicrous statements possible. Notable in his absence so far is the big guy himself- Bush. Hopefully reports of a shadow growing over Texas are just hearsay, but everyone should remain vigilant- forgetting to put rocks in their mouths and shower them in holy water as they left office may be the biggest mistake America has ever made. Maybe we can perform a national exorcism to rid ourselves of them once and for all?

1 comment:

  1. Ari Fleischer deserves some honorable mention for this gem on Hardball last week:

    But after September 11, having been hit once, how could we take a chance that Saddam might not strike again?

    Earlier in the interview he said he came on the show because he felt the need to defend Bush. Someone needs to tell these people that this isn't some hypothetical debate about what could have been. It's the historical record of the last 8 years vs whatever bullshit they want to make up.