Saturday, February 14, 2009

Train of Thought Presents: The REAL 25 Most Conservative Movies, Part 1

This month (season/year, depending on how long it takes to write these) on The Train of Thought, we're going to count down the 25 best conservative movies of the last 25 years, starting with the first five today and finishing with #1 at some point in the distant future.

The top-25 list is a creation of The Train. A few days ago another website, which shall remain nameless, published what it holds to be the best conservative movies of the last quarter century. Noting that some of the movies on this list aren’t even slightly conservative, someone suggested that another list be created. Literally single digits worth of suggestions came in and we considered each one (for those who wrote: thank you very much).*

#25: Fern Gully (1992)
An expertly crafted satire of the envirofascist movement which reached its peak in the early 90s, Fern Gully lampoons the wacky tree-hugging left mercilessly. The main character is a lumberjack, who is merely doing his patriotic duty to creatively disembiggen forests when a fairy maliciously assaults him with magic and attempts to brainwash him into believing that strategically resizing forests aids a demonic creature named Hexxus. Discerning conservative viewers have noted that the Hexxus character is clearly a mockery of the liberal hatred of industry and commerce which, guided by the infallible unfettered hand of the free market, has benefited literally every human being ever.

#24: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Imbued with a deeply conservative outlook, the first Harry Potter film is a masterpiece. The viewer is shown a world where the government is unable to bring the villainous Voldemort to justice, referencing the fact that all governments in real life fail everything they attempt. Instead resistance comes in the form of a private institution, Hogwarts, which operates outside the law (likely much to the dismay of namby-pamby liberal viewers). More central to the plot is the fact that the Hogwarts academy separates talented boys and girls from the muggles, who are their inferiors in every way. The parallels with the evils of desegregation are all too clear to anyone with a grasp of American history.

#23: The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
This movie did more to burst Al Gore’s hideously obese bubble than liberals are willing to admit. It should be interpreted as a documentary of the near future after Gore and company illegalize all carbon emissions, forcing the human race to struggle against the ensuing age of frozen darkness. The trademark loony left science myths are shattered one by one, and the viewer leaves with the distinct impression that it is his or her duty to release as much carbon dioxide as possible in order to thwart Gore and his insane cohorts.

#22: Good Night, and Good luck (2005)
A warning about the evils of the Liberal Media, this film depicts the crusade to discredit the good America-loving Senator Joseph McCarthy by the treacherous back-stabber Edward R. Murrow. Murrow confounds McCarthy at every step as he attempts to uncover the communist conspiracy which was infiltrating the American government, which we know in real life ultimately lead to McCarthy dying after leaving office. Somehow Murrow was never charged with his murder, and in the decades since then the Liberal Media has gone on to strangle every form of the news. Murrow’s last words in the film should be heard as a warning to every conservative American in the aftermath of the death of American liberty: “Good night, and good luck.”

#21: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (2010)
While not technically released yet, no one can deny that this movie will be a conservative tour de force. The ongoing metaphor of Harry Potter as Jesus Christ reaches its end as Potter sacrifices himself to save humanity. Voldemort is revealed to symbolize Big Government, which will surely destroy the world if it isn’t stopped dead. His draconic rule is obviously a stand-in for the regulations and laws which the left uses to stifle the glorious free market every time it gets the chance, and the spells he casts are the wizard version of the pork-filled stimulus bill. At the same time the Death Eaters, a sycophantic cabal of evil-doers who represent Congressional Democrats, make their play to destroy liberty for all time by crushing the band of protagonists (all white). Luckily Potter conquers death to destroy the villains, just as the GOP will inevitably rise again and end liberal tyranny for all time.

Stay tuned for the next five, which will be announced as soon as possible.

*Any resemblance these two paragraphs bear to the words on this page is entirely coincidental.


  1. writing this made me feel unclean, fakeposting that hard is a struggle AND i had to look up specific plot points from harry potter to figure out how a goofy childrens book about wizards is conservative.

  2. i guess what i'm saying is that this needs a blinking sign like from that episode of south park:

  3. I may be a little in love with you right now; I mean you mentioned Fern Gully! I loved that movie as a kid, call it my conservative upbringing.

  4. Sarah Palin IS Elastagirl! At last, I finally get it.

    @Kari, Only fools loved Fern Gully as a child

  5. I'm sorry I made it sound like I ever stopped loving Fern Gully...I loved it as a kid and continue to love it. Also, believe Harry Potter is Jesus.