Train of Thought Field Trip: Live from Capitol Hill

Barack Obama doesn’t care about expats. While everyone in America settled down around the television last night to watch the President address Congress, some people living on the other side of the world were stuck, surrounded by a dozen shrieking five year old children. Luckily the internet provides all sorts of ways to catch up on this kind of thing, although this time I decided to take the road less traveled: instead of watching the video, I read the liveblog comments provided by Ace of Spades.

Ace of Spades is an up and coming success in the Conservoblogosphere, as evidenced by the award for BEST CONSERVATIVE BLOG given by some group I’ve never heard of. I discovered that Ace of Spades has a lot to offer- the classy, intelligent posting of Free Republic combined with the racial awareness of Stormfront, with a slight hint of “AOL-speak teenager” which is especially intriguing given that the posters are all presumably middle-aged white dudes with jobs. Behold, Ace of Spades watching the address:

What you don’t know about Blue Falcon is that he followed Obama along the campaign trail, sitting in the front row with a stopwatch:

As usual boy wonder is running several minutes late

MrPaulsFishsticks brings us a vital post that can be read multiple times for greater enjoyment:

I can't watch I already have a nasty rash in my butt
crack. This would just make it worse.

Shoey… well, just read it for yourself:

he's late, very professional
oh, i forgot timeliness isn't part of their culture

Maybe he’s talking about Washington political culture, which don't place a high priorit-

Late, as usual.
Can't a black guy ever break stereotype? Or would
that be inauthentic?

Oh ok, thanks for clearing that up 5th Level Fighter. Drew M wants an M. Night Shyamalan-influenced Presidency:

I was really hoping that after the doorkeeper
announced "The President of the United States",
George W. Bush would appear and the last month
would have been a bad dream.

Then in the REAL twist, George W. Bush rips off his mask, revealing himself to be… Jefferson Davis! He leads a new secession to try to put THOSE PEOPLE back in their place, but again it fails again and the South is left in ruins once more. Maybe next time, guy! MrPaulsFishsticks posts again:

Hillary's ass is HUGE....maybe she stuffed China
up there.

Argh why was he looking at Hillary Clinton’s ass, why argh ahhhhhh. Here I’d like to give Kari a chance to write a proper insult for that post, seems like it’s right in your wheelhouse (don’t know what that means? Neither do I really, JJ will explain though)! CDR M combines the “ACORN is an endless source of evil” meme with the “fuck the poor!” mentality that normally gets at least nominally disguised before posting:

What transfer of wealth to rich???? I see it all
going to the fucking poor via ACORN, etc.

Gator is some kind of Posting Superstar on Ace of Spades, which says a lot about whatever organization declared them BEST CONSERVATIVE BLOG:

A black man talking about credit....Jesus.

Sen. Gov. proves that Obama was right about the urgent need for education in America today:

He is fucking IDIOT.

Eww don’t do that Obama, you don’t know where IDIOT’s been! Cromagnum mispal words, capitalizes Incorrectly, botches he ellipses…… and throws in racism to complete the Posting Prophecy:

Responsibility for childern ......Only when Marriage
is sanctified. Dont the blacks have that problem?

SPECIAL BONUS COMMENTS: Provided by Fox News Online, whose virile shitposting population will certainly be featured in a future installment. USAlltheway actually read the entire stimulus bill, and found the sections pertaining to the creation of a Racist Puking Bureau:

Can I puke now? Will I be labeled a racist if I
puke before I receive proper authorization?

Foiled again! This post by Slickdutch reminds me of the movie Daredevil, which no one watched because it was awful:

Its, reminds of the movie WaterWorld where the
people are on the ship Valdez and the guy is telling
that he has found the way to dry land. Get the
people rowing and criminal partner tells him he is
lying. He responded he knows, but that the people
will row for months before they figure out he lied.
Just like the big O more lies.

Yes I’m sure the speech was exactly like that. Every time I do one of these I get the urge to sign up and start trolling them, but then I realize that no amount of contrived racism and Bad Posting Habits can possibly match the real deal. Still, having read all of these I do feel like I experienced the speech, if perhaps not the way Obama intended.