Monday, August 17, 2009

The Commonplace Book of Barack Obama

Some of you may remember that I was able to secure John McCain’s commonplace book last year. While I don’t want to take too much credit for the electoral rout that followed, I think we can all agree that this played a very large role in securing victory for the Obama camp. Today I’m proud to announce that a bizarre sequence of seemingly unrelated events have delivered the commonplace book of Barack Obama into my hands as well.

For anyone who isn’t entirely sure what I’m talking about: a commonplace book is a notebook which is used to record brief notes and ideas that a person intends to use later. H.P. Lovecraft notably kept a commonplace book which was published online two years ago, revealing his plans to write an enormous number of books about elder gods and skeletons and people being pursued by some implacable evil from beyond this universe. Obama’s book gives us some insight into his mindset and plans for the future. Let’s read, shall we?

#61- unspeakable crypt hidden beneath Ghost City (Mombasa?) contains ancient artifact… man reads certificate of live birth… revelation… he goes mad.

#82- life and death in the hands of Blood-Drenched ghouls.. a woman seeks to save her baby- death panels.. consequences…

#99- dark-skinned leader simultaneously embodies both communism and fascism- insane critics go mad and turn into ghosts, spend Eternity howling in an echo chamber outside of three dimensional space

#101- parties- obese geriatric white people- an indescribable drink made of the dehydrated bodies of leaves- horror…

#127- dreadful machine emerges through thick black smoke, replaced with a duplicate of the exact same machine (but produces less poisonous gas?)- unspeakable terror, elder gods of capitalism enter our universe and awaken the Invisible fist of the free market and ruin all civilization

#128- machine-exchange so popular that it breaks all the laws of physics and becomes horrific visage of non-Euclidian geometry- to look upon it is to go insane- perhaps it works too well? Someone dies. Consequences.

#146- a gruesome plight. Man (president? Horrific gargoyle?) orders a burger with monstrous grotesque French condiment, opening a portal into hellish netherworld of pure terror. his critics talk about it forever- or do they grow up? they do not grow up. also one of them is a ghost.

#398- vast majority of people from southern lands tell survey-takers that ridiculous falsehood is true.. ancient general rises from the grave and unleashes terrible army of the undead upon them, marches to the sea- rest of the country is better off for it. surprise ending: turns out that guy actually was from Kenya? really didn’t see that coming…

#407- Acorn drops from tree and instantly turns into unstoppable force of malevolent will. phone calls- voter registrations- death???

#734- voters spend lifetime choosing who to support for president solely based on how willing they would be to have a beer with him. President finally has a beer with some people- they go mad.

#1,299- man envisions impossible dimension of space and time where people aren’t robbed blind every time they go to see a doctor: attempts to convince others that this unspeakable dream is preferable to current system, BUT: crazed lunatics from outside our solar system shout at politicians very loudly and defend the corporations that take all their money. Everyone goes mad, some other things happen, insurance companies end up with too much money to be counted using mortal numerical systems and become appalling eldritch figures made of pure gold. consequences.

As with before, transcribing these from the notebook takes a lot of time. If anyone else has done any drop ‘em in the comments box and we’ll see what happens next.


  1. You are riding on the B&O campaign trail train when it breaks down due to lack of experience from the conductor. A fat white man with a pony tail emerges from the woods and offers you advice. You take it, but at what cost? He is the demon that killed your father. Also, his name is Joe.