Thursday, August 28, 2008

E Clodibus Unum

Today we here at COYOTE H.Q. are happy to announce the creation of a new alliance, aimed at freeing the Democratic Party from the iron fist of Obamism. Obama may be wildly popular, articulate, and clean, but we have weapons of our own: a baffling hatred of our candidate, and insupportably extreme rhetoric! Seriously, try reading the latest entries at the main PUMA site, they make no sense whatsoever.

As it turns out, Hillary supporters with PUMA and we humble Edwards backers at COYOTE aren't the only ones looking to resurrect dead campaigns. No, we’ve been joined by a variety of folks looking to raise their candidates primary run from the grave, and enjoy the fruits of a horrible zombie campaign which seeks only to sustain itself with the flesh of living, healthy candidates.

To that end, we introduce:

TIGER:Tis Important Gravel Elongates ’is Run
Apparently founded by semi-literate Irish immigrants, this group supports the man Jon Stewart famously referred to as ‘the most Zen candidate in American politics.’ If the spelling of the group name is any indication, expect scathing invective to be hurled at Obama in a thick brogue.

DOG: Dodd Over God
A group of radical religious extremists seek to overthrow not only Obama, but apparently God himself and replace both with Chris Dodd. No clues yet as to their motives for this.

DINGO: Dennis’s Interests Nullify the Goals of Obama
Look at Kucinich, that guy is such a bizarre gnome-man.

Welcome to the party, guys! Go nuts, McCain is picking up the bill for this one. Remember, your candidate wasn’t beaten because the other guy was more popular, it was because of entrenched anti-French-Canadian, anti-Catholic, and anti-Elfin biases, respectively. Here is a really cool picture of a coyote riding a train, as promised last time:

I wish we had coyotes freely using public transportation here in DC, guy looks pretty chill.

1 comment:

  1. Hillarious stuff, jack. And that coyote is a badass. Also we should try to get one of these campaigns going for republicans at their convention. Someone like Giuliani is such an egomaniac it would be great to see him respond.