Clodwatch for 12/14/2009

Today the award goes to Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX), who went a bit too far in his war on the environment and said something totally baffling:

CO2 is odorless, colorless, tasteless – it’s not a threat to human health in terms of being exposed to it. We create it as we talk back and forth.

Yes, the old test for poisonous gases: is it odorless? colorless? tasteless? Then it scientifically cannot be dangerous! Why, human beings create carbon monoxide, like he says. It couldn't possibly be dangerous, right?

Symptoms and signs of [excessive CO2 intake] include flushed skin, full pulse, extrasystoles, muscle twitches, hand flaps, reduced neural activity, and possibly a raised blood pressure... symptomatology progresses to disorientation, panic, hyperventilation, convulsions, unconsciousness, and eventually death.

But... but Barton said exposure doesn't pose a threat to human health! There goes my plan to sit in a small airtight space for a few hours and not die- my weekend is ruined. But that wasn't all Barton had to say:

So, and if you go beyond that, on a net basis, there’s ample evidence that warming generically — however it is caused — is a net benefit to mankind.

So global warming doesn't exist and isn't caused by CO2, which by the way isn't dangerous to people at all, but even if it does exist (regardless of the cause- either human activities or the natural warming of the earth or maybe magic) then it certainly isn't a bad thing and may in fact be good. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the leading Republican authorities on global warming: Joe Barton, clod extraordinaire.

Clodwatch for November 19th, 2009

Today the award is going to two distinguished Americans: Rep. John Shadegg (R-AZ) and Sarah Palin. First comes Mr. Shadegg, who warns that trying KSM in New York will lead to Mayor Bloomberg's daughter being taken hostage by terrorists:



That's the kind of crazy you can't make up. Next up is Sarah Palin, who is openly endorsing Israeli expansion into Palestinian territory because... well, Israel needs lebensraum. Check it out:



More and more Jewish families are moving to Israel, so only a program of expansion and ethnic cleansing will accommodate them. Got it. Is she completely uninformed on the issues, or is she actually evil? You go ahead and decide.

Congratulations, Shadegg and Palin: you are both clods.

What Do You Know From Stupid?

Ladies and gentlemen: the top ten dead
money contract* salary cap hits of the 2009 NFL season:

1. Terrell Owens WR DAL $9,675,000
2. Dre' Bly CB DEN $9,450,000
3. Ken Lucas CB
CAR $8,330,000
4. Cory Redding DT DET $7,333,334
G5. ibril Wilson S OAK
$7,000,000
6. Marvin Harrison WR IND $6,400,000
7. DeAngelo Hall CB OAK
$5,833,334
8. Derrick Dockery OG BUF $5,400,000
9. Anthony Weaver DE HST
$5,400,000

I was actually reading this list, thinking to myself "Oh my wonder! There aren't any Redskins on this li-" until I saw number 10. Brandon fucking Lloyd. $5.3 million.

And yes that's right, Brandon Lloyd is still accounting for $5.3M against the Redskins cap, despite not being on their roster since the 2007 season. This results from the salary cap rule that applied the signing bonus acceleration from a termination to the next year's cap, if that termination occurred after June 1 or was designated as a post-June 1 termination despite occuring prior to that date. For example, if a player had $4M in total signing bonus proration left on the remaining 4 years of a contract (meaning $1M of proration in each year), and that player was released after June 1st, then $1M of proration would remain as dead money in that year and then the remaining $3M would accelerate into the next year.

Due to 2009 being the final capped year, this post June 1 rule is no longer in effect; therefore, when a player is released this year all of their proration in future years accelerates into the current year.

Is it any wonder, then, that our team is owned by the same man whose "business management" skills ran Six Flags into the ground?

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?

Bobby Jindal, one month ago today:



Really? Because I'm pretty sure a volcano erupting would definitely be worse than any eruption of spending, any way you slice it.

Wait a minute, what's that you say? A volcano erupted yesterday?

Mount Redoubt Volcano In Alaska Erupts Explosively

ScienceDaily (Mar. 23, 2009) — Alaska's Mount Redoubt Volcano has erupted, spewing ash thousands of feet into the air.

The volcano, 106 miles southwest of Anchorage, erupted explosively on March 22, 2009, at approximately 10:38 PM AKDT, sending a cloud of volcanic ash to an estimated 50,000 feet above sea level. Scientists from the Alaska Volcano Observatory (AVO) are monitoring the volcano closely as the eruption continues.

Ash plumes generated by the explosive bursts are drifting north-northeast. Ash fall has been reported in Skwentna and the Chuitna area.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; you really just can't make this stuff up (via Suril's G-Reader feed, what it do?).

Clodwatch for Wednesday, March 4th 2009

For one brief, shining moment it looked like Michael Steele was capable of saying the right thing just a few days ago, when he acknowledged that Rush Limbaugh can be "ugly" and "incindiery." The mind boggles: the head of the NRC making reasonable statements? A guy who revels in being ugly and incindiery being labeled as such? It looked like the GOP might have been... learning from its mistakes! Perhaps there is a future for the Republican Party beyond crashing and burning with Palin and the Plumber at the wheel.

Alas:

"My intent was not to go after Rush – I have enormous
respect for Rush Limbaugh,” Steele said in a telephone
interview. “I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. …
There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice
or his leadership.”

Hahaha, right, sort of reminds me of just a few months ago when Congressman Phil Gingrey tried to make a similar statement... and then hurried back to kiss the master's feet. Maybe the third time will be the charm?  At least some of their politicians realize on some level that listening to Rush (undeniably popular with many on the right, but overall less popular than Jeremiah Wright or Bill Ayers) is a recipe for yet another election-night disaster.

You have got to be shitting me

Tushara knocked on my door this morning to bring me the news that the Redskins had signed former Tennessee Titan Albert Haynesworth to a seven-year, $100 million dollar deal in the first few hours of NFL free agency. This had to be a bad dream, right? Wrong. The Redskins front office has learned nothing. The team is doomed to be mired in a salary cap crunch year after year after year once again, and we are back to being the reigning champs of the offseason. FML.

This comes after last night's signing of cornerback DeAngelo Hall for six years and $54 million. Where is all this money coming from? We just had to restructure four veterans' contracts to get to a measly $10-12 million under the cap (unofficial numbers, somewhere in that ballpark though). This is before signing any of our four draft choices, one of which includes a number 13 overall pick. This all but tells us that we are going to wave bye-bye to that first round pick, in exchange for multiple shittier picks in later rounds (with our scouts & talent evaluators, I can't wait to see how many receivers & punters we can draft in the fourth round!).

Even in a year in which the Pittsburgh Steelers just won the Super Bowl, which should serve as the quintessential blueprint for consistent, long-term success, Snyder and the Skins have reverted to form. Making a "big splash." But for what? I mused last year that the reason we didn't make any flashy signings may have been because there weren't really any prized free agents on the market (see the second-to-last paragraph). Now that theory has been thusly proven.

I'm actually amazed how stupid Snyder and Cerrato are. Does no one remember Dan Wilkinson? Dana Stubblefield? Hell, did anybody pay attention to the deal Cleveland gave Shaun Rogers last year and how little it paid off for them? LAST YEAR?! There was a cautionary tale on why bringing in big money free agents doesn't always bring instant success, but that means nothing to these clowns. They have no plan. They see every year as a year the Redskins can win the Super Bowl. Rebuilding? That's for suckers.

They take advantage of Washington's unusually loyal fan base and give us an inferior product to root for. They don't develop. They don't plan. The real life Redskins serve as Snyder's team on Madden year in and year out. And he actually wonders why Steve Spagnuolo passed on the job last winter?

They refuse to try to lock up Jason Campbell at quarterback, probably in case they decide to go after Vick, or some other as-of-yet undetermind star quarterback, flying in the face of everything they said about valuing continuity last year. So, make JC feel disrepected and under-appreciated, then pay for it when he's lighting us up in a few years wearing a different uniform.

The one tiny positive out of all of this is that Haynesworth is a very good player. However, it's human nature to perform when you have something to prove. Athletes play for that "big pay day" and once they get it, it's hard to play with the same level of intensity. It happens in sports all the time.

My dad once threatened to stop rooting for the Redskins if we hired Steve Spurrier as our coach. He didn't like Spurrier's arrogance, his temper tantrums, his inability to take any blame on himself and his knee-jerk reaction QB substitutions, among other things. We ended up getting Spurrier, but my dad's overarching allegiance to all things burgundy and gold overpowered him; he remained a fan. This is why I can never stop rooting for the Redskins. It's just how I was raised. All I've ever known has been rooting for them, that's the way it will always be whether I like it or not. But now I understand how my dad felt.

Our team is being used and abused by an egomaniacal owner who doesn't care what people say or think about him. He has the money, so he gets to make the decisions. No matter that he has zero football experience and doesn't know what he's doing.

All that being said, I sincerely hope that I have to eat these words. That's one of the reasons I'm writing this; to have it cemented into the interwebs for all to see and when we check back this time next year, I can see whether I was right to be angry about this or not. There's a possibility that this move works out for us and I'll look quite the fool for all these mean things I've said. The thing that worries me, though, is that we've all seen this show before and we have an idea of how it ends. Woo hoo! 8-8, here we come!

Clodwatch for February 11th, 2009

First off- it’s been a long time since the last edition of Clodwatch. Second- today we aren’t observing someone ascending to the highest ranks of clodhood, but instead celebrating someone’s escape. Mark it on your calendars: February 11th was the day where Thomas Friedman was (briefly) not a clod.

His column, entitled “The Open-Door Bailout,” manages to shake up his standard formula almost immediately. Instead of the normal Friedman opener consisting of a namedropped foreign billionaire, an exotic city, and a glamorous meeting location, he manages to hold himself back to merely insinuating that the quotes from Indian Express editor Shekhar Gupta were gleaned in just such an episode. He then goes on to give Gupta credit for the central message of the article, instead of talking about how he himself has come up with some earth-shaking idea*. Finally, he also gets credit for realizing that he only has enough material for a column this time, instead of writing an entire book about it. Oh and then adding 200 more pages** of crap later.

Enough about why Friedman is usually a clod extraordinaire, though. From the piece:

“The U.S. Senate unfortunately voted on Feb. 6 to
restrict banks and other financial institutions that
receive taxpayer bailout money from hiring
high-skilled immigrants on temporary work permits
known as H-1B visas”

Why is that unfortunate? As Gupta says, a key ingredient in American success has historically been provided by attracting “the most diverse, smart and energetic immigrants from every corner of the world.” It isn’t even like you can claim that these visas are taking tons jobs from Americans- the Department of Labor is tasked with "ensuring that foreign workers do not displace or adversely affect U.S. workers."

Making the immigration process any more restrictive is insane. Two months ago I sat down with Nepali named Jetha in a dingy internet café in remote western China***. He wanted a native English speaker to help him navigate the absurdly complex maze that is the American Immigration Experience, so there I went. After spending a few hours on it, I’m honestly shocked anyone ever gets to live in America. The entire system is an oblique byzantine nightmare, with a mix of sites, forms, rules, and procedures that culminate in lengthy waits and lottery-based decisions. To my horror the guy was about to throw a LOT of money at a site which scams potential immigrants by pretending to ensure them an admission in the next lottery.

So it’s already this difficult, and Washington wants to make it harder for people who would willingly thrust themselves into the mess that is the American economy?! We may as well abandon the entire system and instead order government employees to personally track down each prospective immigrant and take a dump on them in their sleep. Two birds with one stone, there, because not only will we create new jobs for Americans, but we’ll also then stop leading on people like poor Jetha, who have dreamed of living in the USA for years and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

Kudos to Friedman for managing to make sense, just this once. It isn’t an original argument, but it’s the truth- America needs to overhaul the entire process, and moves like restricting H-1B visas are entirely in the wrong.


*While consulting with the Emir of Kuwait in nearby Dubai at the top story of the most ritzy hotel in the world, or while conferring with the Premiere of China in a Hong Kong 400-star restaurant, or while gabbing with the Pope in an exclusive Roman nightclub, naturally.

**Argh, while looking for a link about that I found that he has since released a third edition with even more crap, almost forcing me to withdraw my faint praise here entirely and delete this whole post.

*** So, do I have what it takes to be an extremely low budget Thomas Friedman? If so I’ll happily travel the Earth to meet with less fortunate people in drab locations and write shockingly long books about all of my mundane thoughts and experiences.

E Clodibus Unum

Today we here at COYOTE H.Q. are happy to announce the creation of a new alliance, aimed at freeing the Democratic Party from the iron fist of Obamism. Obama may be wildly popular, articulate, and clean, but we have weapons of our own: a baffling hatred of our candidate, and insupportably extreme rhetoric! Seriously, try reading the latest entries at the main PUMA site, they make no sense whatsoever.

As it turns out, Hillary supporters with PUMA and we humble Edwards backers at COYOTE aren't the only ones looking to resurrect dead campaigns. No, we’ve been joined by a variety of folks looking to raise their candidates primary run from the grave, and enjoy the fruits of a horrible zombie campaign which seeks only to sustain itself with the flesh of living, healthy candidates.

To that end, we introduce:

TIGER: ‘Tis Important Gravel Elongates ’is Run
Apparently founded by semi-literate Irish immigrants, this group supports the man Jon Stewart famously referred to as ‘the most Zen candidate in American politics.’ If the spelling of the group name is any indication, expect scathing invective to be hurled at Obama in a thick brogue.

DOG: Dodd Over God
A group of radical religious extremists seek to overthrow not only Obama, but apparently God himself and replace both with Chris Dodd. No clues yet as to their motives for this.

DINGO: Dennis’s Interests Nullify the Goals of Obama
Look at Kucinich, that guy is such a bizarre gnome-man.

Welcome to the party, guys! Go nuts, McCain is picking up the bill for this one. Remember, your candidate wasn’t beaten because the other guy was more popular, it was because of entrenched anti-French-Canadian, anti-Catholic, and anti-Elfin biases, respectively. Here is a really cool picture of a coyote riding a train, as promised last time:

I wish we had coyotes freely using public transportation here in DC, guy looks pretty chill.

Announcing a new PAC: Say hello to the COYOTES!

Woe unto Obama. Recent nationwide polls indicate that Barack still has a lead, while the GOP has yet to find an effective attack on the Democratic candidate. Contributions continue to flow, giving him a large cash advantage. Meanwhile, the Republicans still can’t muster any enthusiasm for their McCain.

Many people would like to have you believe that this is all good news for Obama. The mainstream media, on the other hand, knows better. They realize that even if he wins the presidential election, he will forever be a loser if he can’t bring in the PUMAs. This new group has basked in the media spotlight for weeks, while the ongoing stories of their nearly unrivalled political power fill the nation with awe. Millions, maybe billions of dollars! Ah right, turned out to only be a few thousand. Well still, huge numbers of voters! Not enough to show up in any polls or anything, but… Hey, look at their latest rally, a huge crowd stretching back to the horizon! Turned out to only be a small throng though, maybe a handful depending on your standards. Still, the media insists they’re a force to be reckoned with, so that’s what I’m going to assume is true. Look, we’ve even had posts here trembling with indescribable terror from their Herculean strength.

Now I’m proud to announce the newest irrelevant Democratic splinter group: the COYOTES! That’s right, it stands for Clods Ordering Yes (Onwards!) To EdwardS. So what if Edwards dropped out of the race, has endorsed Obama, and has in the meantime been subjected to the humiliating discovery of his ongoing affair while his wife fights cancer? It’s time to fight for what Edwards promised us: a clod in the White House!

Coming soon, the first official press release from COYOTE headquarters, some COYOTE trivia, and maybe some pictures of actual coyotes, they’re pretty cool.

Clodwatch for August 8th, 2008

We have an old saying here in the Clodwatch newsroom: “There’s no kind of clod like the clod that cheats on his wife, suffering from breast cancer, before/during his presidential primary campaign.” Today we honor a man who has just outed himself as just such a clod: John Edwards!

Edwards has done some amazing work here, advancing the work of clod-kind worldwide. Without even getting into the morality of cheating on your wife while she lives with temporarily in-remission cancer, just take a moment to acknowledge the pure claudacity* of what he did.

On the one hand we would have had the hordes of Republicans. Veterans of Monica Lewinsky, bloviators with years of experience talking up the Moral Values crowd. Men and women with no way of life beyond slinging mud. Forget their own indiscretions, never mind the hypocrisy. Every normally venom-toothed liar would have suddenly become gravely offended by the very notion that a human being could do this. Combine their tenacity with the gravity of Edwards’ sins and the ensuing media fecal blast would reach epic heights.

On the other hand we would have had John Edwards, whose affair surely would have been discovered, likely even sooner, running for President on behalf of the Democrats. Democrats in every state from the top end of the ticket all the way down to tiny local posts depend on the presidential candidate to help them out. How could Edwards even consider running, to say nothing of actually making a serious go at it?!

If you ever wonder why the Democrats have spent so long sitting powerless, unable to defeat Republicans, consider this: of the top three Democrats in the presidential primary this year, two have been proven entirely willing to destroy the party, without any real chance of winning in the general election.

John Edwards, you are a clod.




*See what I did there? Yeah.