Friday, July 4, 2008

Train Holiday Guide: The 4th of the July

The 4th of July means a lot of things to different people. Some might think of songs by Soundgarden, or the Beach Boys! Others might recall a novel by James Patterson, or start repeating the classic Will Smith line “Welcome to Earf” from the movie ID4, a historical docu-drama about the day aliens tried to kill Bill Pullman. Here in America, however, we recognize the 4th of July as they day when a ragtag group of American patriots torched London and most of Sussex, freeing America from the tight grip of the fascist British empire.

Different people celebrate the day in different ways. Traditionally conservatives spend the days leading up to the 4th berating liberals for being anti-American, a charge which liberals usually attempt to disprove using “logic” or “facts” or “pointing out how obviously untrue it is.” Not this year, however: it’s time to finally give up the ruse and expose America to the liberal version of the 4th of July.

Conservatives: Might spend the day gathered around a grill, with burgers and corn on the cob for all!
Liberals: Spend the day gathered around the grill, BURNING AMERICAN FLAGS! Later we URINATE ON THE GRILL to put out the fire, and provide additional disrespect to the flag.

Conservatives: Probably head out to watch the fireworks over at the local all-white country club!
Liberals: Provide intelligence to our friends in Al’Qaeda, alerting them to the location of the fireworks. Then Osama bin Laden himself goes from country club to country club like an EVIL MIDDLE EASTERN SANTA CLAUS stealing the fireworks- which he will later use to ATTACK US TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN in a flamboyant and awe-inspiring use of RED WHITE AND BLUE FREEDOM-HATING SPECTACLE!

Conservatives: Take some time to appreciate what it means to be American, a wholesome and family-friendly good time for all!
Liberals: Travel to the US-MEXICO border to aid and abet GAY FRENCH COMMUNIST JEWISH MUSLIM ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS in crossing the border, taking pause every few minutes to SPIT on AMERICAN SOIL and vow the destruction of the vile nation!

These are just a few of the many differences in how people celebrate the day. Enjoy the 4th, however you acknowledge it!


  1. Oh man! I feel like I have to share: this year for the 4th I had the opportunity to try the "all white country club" thing for the first time. Basically a friend from work has a friend with a membership that costs something like $100k/year at OakTree Country Club (it has hosted PGA tour events) and he let me and another intern play golf, eat and drink beer all on his tab. It was magical. The day was almost good enough to make me consider realigning my value system to prioritize earning money and finding a trophy wife... I think instead I'm going to go back and launch some mortar rounds into the club house while praising Allah for all he has given me.

  2. Terrific piece!
    Spent part of my fourth in Paris drinking margaritas (with JJ) on a barge in the Seine discussing Franklin, Jefferson and the Paris connection.
    Here's to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness!