Friday, April 24, 2009

DCJonesy's Awesome Guide To Watching the NFL Draft

I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself, which means one of two things; either Tracy Wolfson is conducting a sideline report, or the NFL Draft is here! Some of you out there may be in need of some tips, maybe even some strategies, as to how to watch the draft in the best way possible. After all, it is two jam-packed days of action, some 10+ hours of programming in total. With my help, you can decipher and track all of this information without falling asleep from utter and absolute boredom by the 21st pick of the first round!

First, you'll need to study up on the many potential draftees in the days and weeks ahead (although it's sort of too late to do that now, as the draft is tomorrow). Make sure to take stock of the various, plentiful mock drafts on the web, even though they rarely accurately predict what will actually happen.

Be sure to take the word of sites like as... you know, gospel. It's not just an NFL Draft Torah, or even an NFL Draft Qu'ran, it's a bible! Nevermind that they falsely reported and then failed to retract that players had failed drug tests for steroids and marijuana prior to the draft, even after the reports were disproved. I'm still pretty sure most of the other stuff they report is pretty legit. I mean, it's a bible!

Finally, once the clock strikes high noon on Saturday, the time has finally arrived for the draft to begin. You've done all the necessary prep work, listened to the experts break down every last draft-day scenario and you're ready to get locked in for a long day of name-calling, podium-walking and hat-wearing.

At this point, you should leave your house now. Right now. Like, literally go outside. Go for a walk to the nearest, nicest park to you. Bring a book with you. Read it. If you live in the D.C. area, it will be 85 degrees and sunny. Do you have a bike? You could go for a bike ride.

Honestly, do anything that keeps you away from a television screen for six or seven hours. Now, go print out the list of who got drafted online. Congratulations! You have just won the NFL Draft.


  1. Dan Snyder's Left Foot4/24/09, 10:28 PM

    hlets take bets on the "Draftday Fall-out"

    Redskins IN:

    Another 1st Rd. QB
    Too High Priced, oh I don't know, what position do we not need, how about Tight End?

    Redskins OUT:
    -Next years 1st rd. picks
    -Jason Campbell
    -Cooley (I'd say a wk after the draft)

    Redskins Spooky Events:
    -Ghost of JKC torments Daniel Snyder & Vinny Cerato with other ghosts of Redskins past for killing the franchise

    -1000's of tweenage girls storm FedEx Field with pitchforks and teargas after witnessing Cooley's & Campbell's farewell speech, in which they graciously thanked the fans and told the Team administration to Fuck off