Friday, January 23, 2009

Train Preemptive Book Review: “Sarah Palin, The Book”

Picture this, if you will: I’m sitting at my desk here in China, trying to figure out what to do with myself now that “imagining a world without President Bush” isn’t a constant drain on my free time. My desk is covered in empty whiskey bottles and gives off the faint odor of margarine (long story (elections have consequences)). As I disconsolately click through random URLs I arrive at Publishing Newswire, a deeply bland site designed by someone using a cutting-edge “cheap website made in the mid-90s” aesthetic. Scrolling down I see something that instantly cuts through my bourbon-fuelled haze: “Sarah Palin Enters Book Deal.” I begin to vomit furiously, and pass out.

Waking up the next morning (or is it night? I’ve had my blinds drawn for weeks, it’s so hard to tell), I try to remember what had set off my reaction the night before. I eat some breakfast while watching “The Dark Knight” for the 23rd time, but I’m nagged by the feeling that there’s something on my laptop I should read. Hitting the button to wake it up, the screen instantly brings up my web browser and word processor. The browser has the Palin book deal story, while a new document contains just two words: “the horror.” It wasn’t a nightmare, after all: Sarah Palin has a book deal.

I spent a few minutes wondering what a book written by someone on Sarah Palin's behalf could possibly say- how many pages can you fill with “gosh-darn” and “maverick” before your publisher tears up your check and slams the door? Luckily we here at The Train of Thought have sources everywhere, and within a matter of hours I had procured a copy of Sarah Palin: The Book. First, take a look at the cover (graphic design by Sarah herself):

Great start! The next thing I noticed about the book is how thin it is- ten pages, tops. Flipping to the first page I started reading, only to feel my blood curdle. The book consists of 8 pages of bitter ranting aimed at the media, John McCain, Barack “Obomba,” and more. The last three pages are a list of McCain aids against whom she plans to get “revenge most foul.” Next to that she has hand-written “murder” and a drawn a winking face. On the last page is an apology from the publisher stating that she’s already had Todd begin shooting her old speechwriters and handlers from a helicopter, so after signing the book deal they had to make do with a stack of notes found in her desk.

Just skimming the book had given me a headache, so I settled down for a quick nap. To my bewilderment I awoke on the floor, beneath my desk! The book itself was gone, along with the standard-issue Train Shipment Box I had received it in. Wondering if the entire thing had been some horrific fantasy, I turned on my computer- only to find my picture of the front of the book, and a quick google search revealed that Publishing Newswire had indeed just run a story announcing a Palin book deal.

If it was all a dream, how did I have a picture of the cover, and how had I known about the book itself? The memory of those terror-inducing pages still chills my spine. I suspect there is only one logical conclusion: I’ve been haunted by The Ghost of Horrible Books From The Future, giving me a vision of a book that is not yet, but some day will be- a book too terrible to contemplate- Sarah Palin: The Book.

May God have mercy on us all.


  1. @JN what could be worse than a Palin autobiography? "Several publishers have said Palin could fetch up to $7 million to write a book about her unlikely VP bid, and could rake in millions more as a television host after her gubernatorial term ends in 2010." (

    How about a TV show? Just goes to show that if they will give a show to Mike Huckabee, they will give one to anyone.

  2. That picture reminds me, my new year's resolution for the train of thought is more photoshops. Many, many more.

  3. What I'm the only one looking forward to a book deal? Train Wreck! It will be the Anna Nicole story all over again. I'm excited, and this book would make my wish list.

  4. hmmm...if more photoshop is what you want then perhaps a TOT Sarah Palin bookdeal photoshop contest may be in order? JN has set the the bar pretty high but I think we can do better.

  5. nimsofa- had the same idea myself. i kinda disappointed myself by not putting a shreiking eagle in there somewhere. despite my best efforts it doesnt look quite crappy enough yet.

    if the contest doesnt pan out this time, i think it should definitely be an option in the future. been too long.

  6. oh and kari- i would buy a copy for everyone i know, but that wouldnt change the fact that a palin book would be a source of horror unequaled in the modern world.

  7. what about Andy Dick's "A Guide to American Film: Hollywood butt plugs and executive shemales"?