Monday, January 26, 2009

Israeli Military Donates White Phosphorus to Gaza

In the form of shelling, that is. White phosphorus munitions, which pretty much everyone agrees shouldn’t be used as a weapon, were shot at heavily populated areas inside Gaza during the recent conflict. Gaza has one of the highest population densities in the world, so it’s hard to imagine how someone would think that using WP as a chemical weapon was appropriate- unless the soldiers in question just figured they would follow our example from a few years ago.

JJ did a fantastic job of explaining how brilliant the entire Gaza invasion was a few weeks ago. But now that the Israelis are owning up to having used WP, it’s time to give them some tips for how to stay out of trouble in future conflicts. Luckily, the Train of Thought War Crime Avoidance Committee is always happy to give out some unwanted advice:

A- Between using cluster bombs in Lebanon and white phosphorus in Gaza, Israel keeps running afoul of groups which keep their eyes out for exactly these kinds of incidents. Why not shake things up by thinking outside the “horrible atrocity weapon” box? For example, in the next conflict Israel could fire rockets full of scorpions at Palestinian kindergartens, and then watch as international monitors go mad after realizing that “WEAPONIZED SCORPIONS” aren’t restricted by the Geneva Convention*.

B- Maybe Israel could just stop using these weapons in the first place? It’s not like they don't already have an incomprehensible lead in firepower, there isn’t any good reason to use weapons that make everyone really angry at you (in addition to creating an ongoing risk to civilians for years and melting peoples skin, respectively).

Go with whichever seems more reasonable. If Option A sounds better there are plenty more options for unconventional weapons- tanks that shoot gum (gets stuck in insurgents hair and beards, creating an awful mess), helicopters that fly upside down (baffles insurgents, also creating dangerous spinning blade zones), and bombers that drop boxes of rare tropical snakes (some are poisonous, others just look cool and/or hang out in trees). Either way, hopefully this will be the last time the world hears about the Israeli military flaunting its disregard for the safety of civilians. If not then there’s always the possibility of getting help from Illegal Weapon Addicts Anonymous, starring China, Russia, and the United States.

*Actually they might be, but I’m going to make like an Israeli general and not check.


  1. hah! Weaponized scorpion-filled rockets are too unreliable for conventional warfare. That suggestion is worthless.

    If only Israel could harness the power of the Jewspark. Then they could fire rockets that would turn the entire Gaza strip into a mechanized Jewish paradise.

  2. It truly is amazing. I was talking to my mom about this last night, but even if you buy in to the "peace through carpet bombing densely populated cities" theory of Foreign policy, what on earth is the point of white phosphorus?

    How does releasing a chemical that burns through peoples' skin help you reach your objective?

    Again, this goes back to the question from the other post: "Is there anything that Israel could do to end the US' unquestioned support?"