Friday, January 30, 2009

Laith al-Amari: Iraqi Hero

Muntadhar al-Zeidi is already a hero across much of the Middle East after his amazing shoe-throwing antics embarrassed Bush in a way the White House Press Corp never could. He’s also inspired plenty of people outside the region- the Train of Thought comic book label will soon be publishing a strip featuring al-Zeidi as a masked hero who travels across the world throwing shoes at evil-doers and jackasses. The Iraqis, however, have just outdone themselves. Witness this work of art:


Leith al-Amari, the sculptor responsible, said that the statue serves as a "source of pride for all Iraqis." Fantastic! As an American I’m actually a little bit jealous, because today the closest thing we have to a fitting memorial for the Bush years is a pile of photoshops comparing Bush to a monkey. “Presidentchimp.jpeg” may be a labor of love, but it doesn’t have anything on a giant copper shoe. To help get American artists moving I’d like to offer some suggestions for other Bush moments which could be immortalized to similar effect:

Statue #1: A slightly larger than life man, sculpted out of marble, on a small pedestal. The man is wearing casual clothes, with detailing allowing the viewer to discern that he’s wearing jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt. The face has a hopeful, almost joyous expression- his eyes are focused above the horizon. His right arm is raised, and his impossibly magnificent middle finger is fully extended.

The plaque should read: “HEY DICK CHENEY… GO FUCK YOURSELF. GO FUCK YOURSELF DICK CHENEY.”

Location: While New Orleans is the obvious choice, it might be better to set asides funds for hiring a helicopter, which could then airlift it from place to place as Cheney attempts to go about his life- much like how residents of N.O. and Iraq can’t go anywhere without being reminded of his messes. Cheney comes home after a long day of drinking blood? It’s right behind him! Cheney heads over the track to do some laps? They can land it in the middle and just adjust the angle as he runs! Cheney needs to buy some groceries at the supermarket? Better save a parking space, here comes “GO FUCK YOURSELF” guy!


Statue #2: Carved into the side of a mountain a-la Mount Rushmore, this one features Bush struggling in vain to open a locked door. The carving needs to give a true sense of Bush’s futile struggle against a door that blithely refuses to budge. His expression should clearly communicate his outer attempt to remain lighthearted, while having an undertone of frustration which suggests that he wonders if the door itself is merely a metaphor for his inability to accomplish even the simplest things during his presidency.

The plaque: “Heh… I was trying to escape… heh…”

Location: Alaska, where Mt. McKinley should be large enough to allow the sculptor enough space to properly realize his or her vision.


Statue #3: A piece of modern art that defies the viewers’ immediate attempts at understanding, this one will be a more multi-faceted piece than the others. Outer bands suggest the curved form of a pretzel, while inner spokes and hubs appear reminiscent of a fallen bicycle and rider. The base is dominated by a large flat surface which resembles a flight deck, upon which rests a helmet and a codpiece. The flat surface is supported by indistinct objects which most viewers liken to piles of skulls, although when asked they find it hard to explain exactly why.

Towards the top a large ‘W’ is suspended beneath a cloud of question marks, which face outwards in all directions and light up at night, making the piece visible from up to 1.3 miles away. Finally, in the center lies a box marked “Legacy.” Although the artist responsible claims that the contents of the box are supposed to be a Heisenberg-inspired mystery up for debate by all, sources familiar with the creation of the piece insist that “the box is full of poop. That’s all he put in there- poop.”

Plaque: The conventional plaque has been replaced with a slideshow of American faces similar to that in Chicago’s Millennium Park, except each one has been altered to resemble “The Scream.”

Location: The spot formerly occupied by the Bush prop ranch.

I’m not an artist, but these all seem artistically feasible to me. I’m sure that American artists won’t be content to be outdone by these upstart Johnny-come-lately Iraqi sculptors- let’s see some American pride here! USA! USA! USA!

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