Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Train of Thought presents: The War Declaration Brain-Cell Quorum Forum!

An excellent post below by JJ, who eloquently explains the reasoning behind his advocacy for armed conflict with Iran. I'd like to take a moment to reiterate that we really cannot thank AIPAC enough for giving our legislators a hand with the authorization bill, fantastic work and high-fives all around!

Iran is just one threat, though, and the clock is ticking. This is something that the White House and its Republican allies should understand well from having watched so much 24- time is always about to run out! While I'd love to be able to physically waterboard some sense into them, this list will have to do. I've tried to prioritize, so that Bush and his merry men can make the best use of the few months they have left to run wild and do whatever they want with US foreign policy.
  1. North Korea: Alright, we may as well go ahead and finish the trilogy. Plus these guys have been totally asking for it lately, what with their bizarre attempt to help Syria build a nuclear reactor. Why they would do that, given that it would probably upgrade their threat status in Israel from 'guys we don't interact with much but probably dislike' to 'guys we're likely to eradicate with nuclear weapons next time we get bored' is beyond me.

  2. South Korea: While we're in the neighborhood, South Korea has to go. We protect them from Kim Jung Il, we trade with them, we even sent them their national sport, Starcraft. Yet even with North Korea aiming millions of dollars worth of weapons at them, and with their traditional enemy Japan sitting right across the sea from them, and with China lurking ominously nearby and empowering Kim Jung Il, and with The Overmind up to its usual antics, they somehow chose the United States as their national enemy. Go ahead and think about that for a minute: we defend their borders, we disarmed the crap out of Japan last time that whole thing was an issue, we didn't even get too angry with them about the actions of late playwright Cho Seung-Hui. Way to be ungrateful, South Korea.

  3. Kyrgyzstan: What an awfully-named country! Seriously, what am I even looking at?! The whole 'Y as a vowel' thing was just made up to retroactively make a few words acceptable in the English language, it was not an invitation to go nuts and create the weirdest sounding country you possibly could. Also, the capital of Kyrgyzstan is named Bishkek. I rest my case.

  4. Libya: I know they look like they're trying to play it straight now, but I'm pretty sure that Libya is working on weapons of mass destruction again. Also, they have or have had ties to terrorists. I'm going to throw this out there: Libya was actually responsible for 9-11. I'm more or less sure that some Libyan guy has run into someone from Al'Qaeda at some point, so they're pretty clearly implicated.

  5. Israel: You're going to have to hear me out on this one. Pre-emption is the latest trend in international conflict, right? Now we all know that any number of countries and terrorist groups want to attack Israel, it's practically all some people talk about. What better way to foil them and ruin all of their big plans than by pre-empting them and invading Israel ourselves? Imagine the frustration felt in so many Afghan caves, Middle Eastern palaces, and Palestinian slums: "The Great Satan has done it again! We would have done it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Americans!" Later they are all arrested, and George and Barney get high in a van.
So there we are! I hope that these suggestions are taken into full consideration. To help make sure they are, I am forming a new think tank: The Project for the New New American Century. I know, I know, but one "new" was already taken. We will be sending a policy letter with our views to the White House soon.

UPDATE: Someone just informed me that all that stuff about Libya is pretty shakey. Apparently large numbers of Intelligence Community members hold the opinion that Libya is not reforming its WMD programs, and that thing about a Libyan guy running into a terrorist is not only mind-blowingly inconsequential, but also likely untrue. Strike that one off the list, you'd have to be a maniac to follow through with the invasion knowing all that.


  1. i say Libya should be number one on the list. i'll never forgive them for their assassination attempt on Doc Brown, chronicled in the harrowing 1985 documentary "Back To The Future." the Libyans must pay for this!!! they also hate our freedom

  2. i always suspected that Libyans used time travel to stage 9/11. now it all adds up.

    jack, you should write a book. you are very good satirical writer.

  3. Those Libyans do have to pay. Doc Brown was almost killed due to our inaction.

    The more I think about it, there's another country that's begging to be on the list: Kenya.

    Barack Obama Sr, Kenyan, spawned Barak Obama Jr, closet Muslim, scary black man and presidential canditate all rolled into one. Barack Obama Jr. can't make any decision without consulting best friend, confidante and life partner, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Wright's church, recently appointed a new pastor who while not conducting the daily American flag burnings required by his position, once quoted Tupac Shakur in a sermon! A rapper quoted in church? Blasphemy! Not in America!

    In other words, Kenya's clearly got to go.