Friday, May 30, 2008

A Scenario In Which Hillary Clinton Might Win

Candidate Clinton shocked literally everyone in the world earlier when she took the unprecedented step of acknowledging reality for the first time in almost half a year. When asked about whether she expects the Democratic Primary to continue beyond the June 3rd primaries, she answered:

"It could, I hope it doesn't. I hope it's resolved to everyone's satisfaction by that date, because that's what people are expecting, but we'll have to see what happens."
Well, 50/50 on the whole reality thing. She seems to understand that at this point there is only one person in the Democratic Party who’s happy about how long this whole thing is taking- maybe two, if you count Bill. On the other hand, her mysterious comment at the end about how we have to “see what happens” is totally baffling. What does she expect might happen? Obama only needs to win a fifth of the remaining delegates to capture the nomination, something which is all but assured at this point.

When I first read the story it took me hours to understand the full meaning of that quote. I stared at my monitor for what felt like a lifetime, contemplating the deeper nuances. We sat there, the quote and I, until only the quote remained. I have now returned from my meditation upon the words of Hillary Clinton, and can tell you exactly what she sees coming, and how the next few weeks will go down:

First, the next week proceeds exactly like everyone knows it will. Obama and Clinton vie for the delegates from Puerto Rico, Montana, and South Dakota. The results from these primaries, combined with the ongoing movement of super delegates leave Obama only a few short of victory by June 7th or so, when Hillary finally unleashes her attack! Using her status as the establishment candidate, she gets the Rules and Bylaws Committee and Seating Committees to allow the Florida and Michigan delegates’ seats at the convention- and only her delegates from these states will be allowed in! Also, she renounces the statehood of any state using a caucus system. This doesn’t just remove them from the Democratic Convention, mind you- these states are officially out of the Union.

All of this naturally leaves Obama in a tight spot. He would probably be out for good, but for the last minute conversion of none other than WILLIAM CLINTON! On the road to Denver Bill has an epiphany, changes his name to Pilliam, and arrives preaching the gospel of Obama. This leaves many of the party insiders hopelessly confused, as disobeying an order from a Clinton is an unthinkable notion to many of these brainless deadweights. Chaos ensues.

At this point the Republicans step in, led by the professional water-carrier and eldritch horror himself, Rush Limbaugh. He and his army of Dittoheads had been massing on the borders of Colorado for weeks, hoping that their plan to muddle the Democratic Primary would see just such an opportunity. Nonsensical talking points and meaningless rhetoric fill the air, deafening thousands of Americans.

It is in the final hours of this fight that Obama finally takes off the mask. All of those email forwards you received from your crazy grandparents? They were right. Obama is a secret Muslim! He is quickly joined by Keith Ellison, the other secret Muslim senator. Representative Virgil Goode’s head explodes. Things get pretty crazy for a while, with Obama and Keith calling people to prayer many times a day, eating halal food, going on pilgrimages to Mecca, and following the other Pillars of Islam. A bunch of other stuff happens too and the Christian Right isn’t too happy about it.

The entire debacle is finally brought to an end when a group of mediators from some Scandinavian country show up and quickly negotiate a ceasefire. The terms? All the surviving delegates will play a game of musical chairs, to the tune of “Yakety Sax.” The outcome of this is unclear, as there’s only so much meaning you can glean from any words that come out of Hillary Clinton’s mouth. Still, at least now you know what she’s talking about. In the coming weeks American will be tested as never before, and after the unspeakable carnage is brought to an end we will have a nominee.


  1. I've always loved that "See what happens" line. The way she says it with a really ominous smile kind of freaks me out.

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  4. I believe that no one knew who would win until the last minute, as it was very swift elections.

  5. Hillary Clinton didn't win the election, so let's figure out why Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton possibly lost out? Or, if more people voted for Hillary , why did Donald Trump win the election then?

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