Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Welcome to the 2008 Democratic Primary Cessation Appreciation Station!

If you haven’t already, please take a moment to forget my previous predictions- like almost everything based on a statement from the Clinton camp, they turned out to be indisputably false. Now that Hillary has more or less admitted defeat and left herself with only a few opportunities to claim “take-backsies” the rest of the Democrats can begin to put their party back together.

Obama himself will probably need some time to recover, as the shape of the campaign for the last 3 months has been Obama versus the unholy alliance of McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Bill Clinton. The idea that any two of those three people should work together seemed laughably silly a year ago, but every now and then mutual interests bring together a Republican senator, a Democratic Senator, and a former Democratic President to play a game of “tear down the Democratic presidential nominee.” It’s nice to see that Bill Clinton can transcend partisan politics in order to damage his own parties’ chances in the general election, all in the name of keeping his wife’s increasingly quixotic campaign on life support for just a little bit longer.

The following are the steps that Obama should be taking now, to get back on track for the general election:
  • Throw a really awesome pizza party! Everyone loves pizza, even recently vanquished primary rivals. Obama can sit back, crack open brewskis, and laugh with Clinton about what a ridiculous waste of time the last 3 months have been. He can even invite the press and make it Chicago-style pizza. This will enable him to crack some joke about how they’re probably used to traditional pizza, a joke that will be repeated on cable news for days until David Brooks accuses him of being out of touch with which style of pizza blue-jean hard-workin’ regular guys eat. Then cable news can go on and on about how elitist Chicago-style pizza is until angry riots break out targeting Pizzeria Uno locations nationwide.
  • Change themes! Obama has been extremely consistent since the beginning of his campaign, talking about hope and change and more or less restraining himself from mud-slinging. Now would be a great time to change it all up and choose a more traditional tack. Here are a few possible options not already openly claimed by another contender:
  1. Despair and economic collapse
  2. Resentment and frustration
  3. Anger and misogyny
  4. Racism and confusion
  5. Indescribable horror and eldritch terror
  6. Lunacy and contrarianism
  7. Antediluvianism and befuddlement.
Surely whichever he chooses, he’ll be able to make it look good.
  • Choose a VP! There’s been a lot of talk from the pundits about how incredibly likely an Obama-Clinton ticket is. A bunch of nay-sayers have claimed that this is almost certainly not going to happen, because it benefits no one and probably decreases the value of his ticket in many places. Throw those guys out of punditry; logic and reason have no place there! Here is a list of some other potential VP picks roughly as realistic as Hillary Clinton, hopefully Obama can spot someone he likes: Karl Rove, David Brooks, Mark Penn, George W. Bush, John McCain, Pope Benedict, Stalin, Satan, John Lofton, Jefferson Davis, Plato, King Leonidas, a ghost from Ghostbusters, and Nathan Explosion.
Whew! There’s more, of course, but this is probably enough advice for one day. Best of luck to Obama, and here’s to hoping he doesn’t read a word of this.


  1. jack, you left off the obvious VP choice of them all (you clod). Reverend Wright! or maybe this guy:

  2. Well, I am interested in getting more updates on the current president. That is a sort of a controversial politician.