Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The McCain Plan or: “How I learned to stop worrying and cut the bullshit”

Decades of arguments, with no end in sight. Millions of dollars spent. A population divided into three distinct groups without any hope of reconciliation.

The grim battle between constructivists, primordialists, and instrumentalists may have finally been brought to a close, however. Ethnic conflict theorists from around the world will be happy to hear that Republican nominee John McCain has finally discovered the final solution for ethnic conflict! Yes, all it takes is getting the groups in question together and telling them to “stop the bullshit.” Attempts to forge unity and achieve reintegration can be called off immediately, as all you need is a touch of vulgarity with a side of ignorance. Word is already being spread across the internet, ethnic conflict theorists should soon be happy to hear that their life’s work has been in vain.

The media hasn’t yet discovered the rest of the McCain plan, however. Solving the Iraqi Shia and Sunni problem is just the beginning. The Train of Thought has received exclusive documents from the McCain Campaign detailing their plans for the rest of the world:
  • Israel vs. Palestine: “I’ll sit the Palestinians and Israelis down and tell ‘em ‘Push them into the sea!’ This will result in a hilarious game in which an Israeli team led by Olmert and a Palestinian team led by Abbas meet at a beach and wrestle for the future of their people! Whichever team pushes the other into the ocean first gets to keep the place. The losers have to pack up, although I’m sure I could help find a nice spot somewhere on the earth to declare their home, regardless of how the current occupants feel about it.”
  • China vs. Tibet: “I’ll sit the Chinese and the Tibetans down and tell ‘em ‘Culturally repress them all!’ This one is a bit more complicated. First we gather 1,000 Han Chinese and 1,000 Tibetans. The Han are given to the Dalai Lama, while Hu Jintao gets the Tibetans. Then all rules are off, with both leaders doing their best to repress the citizens. Deny them work, freedom of religion and expression, even administer brutal police beatings and stays in bleak gulags! Whichever leader has his charges feeling more repressed a month later wins. Winner gets Tibet. The only problem is that the Dalai Lama is a reincarnated god of compassion, whereas Hu Jintao has plenty of practice being awful to Tibetans. To even it out the Dalai Lama will get help from an expert team of China-repressers: a Japanese delegation and zombie Western colonial-era fatcats! I don’t foresee any problems with this one.”
  • Republic of Ireland vs. Northern Ireland: “I’ll sit down the Irish and the other Irish and tell ‘em ‘Drunkenly argue about Christian theological concepts!’ Yes, this one will be brought to a close as thousands of Irish and North Irish clergy argue the finer points of transubstantiation, consubstantiation, and the exact meaning and makeup of the Holy Trinity! Eventually Catholic and Protestant parishioners will be brought together as one to end the increasingly meaningless debates and reunite the island forever.”

For a man who just can’t get Shia and Sunni straight, these are some really innovative plans. Now all we have to do is pray that McCain can implement his policies after defeating the looming menace of the upcoming commu-secular-African-anti-American-Barackocracy this fall. Good luck, Senator!


  1. I kind of like the idea of McCain wondering around the world aimlessly telling people how to solve conflicts. Maybe there will be a role for him after this race after all.

    Also, get ready for 4 solid months of the media repeating about how Obama doesn't understand the world, and if only he had the wisdom to tell people "stop!" and "cut the bullshit", just think how ready he would be for the presidency.

  2. I just added your blog site to my blogroll, I pray you would give some thought to doing the same.