Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Unspeakable Fury of Michael Savage

Over the last few days the outcome of Boumediene v. Bush has continued to garner reactions from across the political spectrum. I wouldn’t have assumed that a right dating back at least 793 years could possibly be this controversial, but here we are. The lines were drawn quickly with liberals, libertarians,* sane conservatives, and those generally interested in justice and the rule of law aligned against people stuck in a pre-1215 A.D. mindset.

Along with plenty of good analysis came the bad. Newt Gingrich, for example, called the outcome of Boumediene “worse than Dred Scott.” That’s right: assuring habeas corpus rights for those held by the U.S. is worse than the decision which said African Americans could never be U.S. citizens, and had no legal rights. In celebration of this bombastically hyperbolic stupidity, I may now take the precedent set by Newt to declare anything I dislike “worse than Dred Scott.” That sandwich I had for lunch today? Worse than Dred Scott. Weather last night? Worse than Dred Scott. New M. Night Shyamalan movie? Worse than Dred Scott. Newt Gingrich, as a human being? You called it, worse than Dred Scott.

Even by the shrill and awful standards set by Gingrich and McCain, however, Michael Savage is unbelievable. This guy is in a league of his own. Read this, and do keep in mind that this is coming from a guy who is not, as far as I know, infected with rabies or gamma radiation or anything:
Don't tell me they're entitled to a rational defense, I'm so sick of this -- I could rip my desk and it's made of iron. I feel like Superman right now, I could take my hands and break my desk, that's how enraged I am today, I'm choked up with anger.

Ahahahahahahahahahaha, this is literally the 8th time I’ve read that, and I’m still laughing at how insane Savage is. But hey, you know what? Two can play at that game:

Hey Michael Savage, your unending capacity for intolerance makes me so angry that I could take my hands and rip up my desk, that’s how angry I am! It’s mostly made of wood but there’s some metal running along the bottom, I can’t tell how much because of the fact that I’m choked up with rage. Anyway after I rip up my desk, I then swing it around really fast and smash it through the wall of my house, and then as it flies away towards the horizon I jump out of the hole in the wall and land on it, breaking all the laws of physics but it doesn’t matter because I’m just totally outraged and furious. So I’m riding this wrath-fueled desk through the air across most of the United States, and air controllers are really angry at me because seriously, how is that even possible? But it doesn’t matter at all, I’m sick of this and I’m filled with uncontrollable, indescribable rage.

After riding impossible currents of hot air and vexation for hours I land in Savagetown USA, famous home of Michael Savage! You’re there naturally and I can see that you’re really angry, plus I had heard your insane on-air rant a few hours ago where you said something weird about breaking a desk, but I’m definitely angrier than you. So angry, in fact, that I fix your desk using only ire and indignation, which are towards the less angry edge of my anger spectrum but are still way beyond any anger that you may be experiencing. After that I give you the must infuriatingly enraged lesson on the importance of civil liberties and personal freedom and how both of these things relate to the Constitution and the legacy of older documents like, say, the Magna Carta for example. Naturally this leaves you really bitter and resentful but also well-educated on exactly why your earlier position was so outrageously dumb. At this point I’m starting to run out of unspeakable fury so I do that same thing from before where I break all the rules of space and time and ride a desk back home.

So that, in conclusion, is how listening to Michael Savage makes me feel.

* Libertarians actually concerned with civil liberties, that is, not crazy people struggling against the overwhelming tyranny of the F.D.A. or Republicans too ashamed to admit their partisan affiliation anymore.


  1. Hilarious as usual. That's a good note to add on libertarians. I would like to consider myself a liberal concerned with the tyranny of the FDA.

    Remeber, as certain libertarians of that sort argued to us before, Jack, NiKO and RB: "if enough people die and it really is doing a lot of damage... the market will sort it out!"

    Ahhh freshman year!

  2. repairing a desk with only ire and indignation... now there's a skill i need to pick up