Monday, September 15, 2008

A Startling Attempt at Decency

With the news dominated for several days by ongoing financial troubles and the wrath of Hurricane Ike, it doesn’t take much for a story on any other subject to stand out. What was completely unexpected, however, is this one from The Washington Post: “Republicans fault both campaigns for negative ads.” Based on available statistics, the headline caused double-takes and bewilderment in 100% of readers. Could it be, one is forced to ask, that the Republicans have decided to ditch their reliance on smears and attack ads?

This childishly naïve sense of wonder lasts exactly as long as it takes to actually open the story, sadly. Karl Rove makes an appearance on the second paragraph, and his quotes form the backbone of the article. People prone to what Franken called ‘Rove-induced septic shock’ should refrain from reading it, as should children, pregnant women, and the elderly.

Everyone else gets see what Karl Rove thinks is ‘going too far.’ Apparently both campaigns are equally guilty of it, which might come as a surprise to… everyone. Obama says that while he respects McCain’s service to the US, he disagrees with his policies? Wow, that man has gone too far. Palin would be out of her element as VP and has no knowledge of any nation or international level issues? Come on, mentioning that is going too far. Statistics suggest McCain isn’t the youngest man alive? Back off Obama, just too far. Palin believes in creationism? You guessed it, too far.

Rove doesn’t mention what kind of ads don’t go too far, but luckily he has a long career we can pull examples from. In order for Obama to comply with the Rove-certified campaign style, he needs to do the following:

-As we learned in 2004, attacking a war hero’s military record is definitely not going too far. So instead of respecting McCain’s service and disagreeing with his policies, Obama needs to say that he agrees with the policies but thinks McCain did an awful job in Vietnam. He should imply that McCain deserved to be caught by the Vietnamese, and that he got exactly what was coming to him when he was tortured. If McCain ever alludes to the various physical handicaps he still has to this day, Democrats should wave purple band-aids at him. This may seem odious to you or I, but by Rove Republican standards it’s quite alright.

-Obama should then claim that McCain’s adopted Bangladeshi child, Bridget McCain, is in fact an illegitimate daughter. Here he doesn’t even have to do any work, he can just copy and paste from when Rove did this exact thing to McCain during the 2000 Republican primary. Seems a bit nauseating, doesn’t it? It may be vomitous, but it certainly isn’t going too far.

-Next, it’s time to find a picture of John McCain with a child… ugh, can’t do it. In order to avoid the aforementioned septic shock I’m going to cut this one off right here. Suffice to say Rove is a despicable human being, his appearance in the WaPo article is supremely ironic, and in reality it’s time for Obama to step up the pressure, not back down.


  1. Yeah too far... coming from the man who pulled off the South Carolina campaign AGAINST John McCain... it really breaks your mind.

  2. whats with the intial-fetish this blog's contributors seem to have? kidding, of course. any journalist can tell you though that if you want to find a neutral, unbiased, forthright opinion on any matter, the first person you seek out is karl rove (sigh)...