Friday, February 24, 2012

A Crisis Meeting at Komen HQ

Inspired by this.
*All quotes are fabricated. The stupid Mark Penn ideas are real. No, seriously.*

(Idea for this shamelessly stolen from the much funnier Drew Magary at Kissing Suzy Kolber)

Nancy Brinker: Man, we really fucked up this time. Maybe helping a right wing hack use our organization as a vehicle for her personal jihad against planned parenthood wasn't the greatest idea after all.

Random Komen Exec: No kidding! Not only did we do something that people hated, but we looked like incompetent liars in the process.

Pink Hat: Especially you Nancy! In retrospect, maybe you shouldn't have been on TV making up shit when it could easily be revealed as bullshit just a few days later. I mean, Jesus, how do you still have a job?

Brinker: Ok! I get it. It's not about who turned gave the keys to our organization over to an antiabortion nutjob, or about who tarnished our reputation by constantly lying. This is about me, urr, uhhh, cancer! This is about breast cancer, and how we convince people to trust us again! Yeah, that's the one.

Komen Exec: Maybe we could get a PR firm, someone who could help us with our image? Someone who could tell us how to make the public like us again?

Brinker: Yeah, that's a good idea, we need to find a way to make people give us money again. My $400,000 a year salary isn't going to pay itself! I don't care how much this costs!

(Door flies open)

Mark Penn: I've got two words for you: Archery Moms!

Pink Hat: Wait, Mark Penn? Isn't that the guy that single-handily lost the nomination for Hillary Clinton?

Komen Exec: Didn't he blow her $125 Million dollar war chest before they even faced a single primary?

Brinker: Now wait guys, let's hear him out. He's done work for firms in crisis before, I think he can help us.

Penn: That's right. First question: Anyone heard of Xe?

Komen Exec: Isn't that what Blackwater changed their name to?

Penn: Uh, yes. Well, what about Academi?


Penn: YES! Don't you get it? Blackwater changed their name first to Xe, and now to something different, and now no one remembers them for being a company of lawless mercenaries that murdered civilians for fun! I think this is a tactic we could employ here, a double, possibly a triple name change. Step one: Let's make the first name change something unpronounceable. How about Qkz?

Komen Exec: Uhhh, Mark, we're trying to make people like our existing name again, not make it so that no one will know who we are. Can you help us figure out what will make our members give us money again?

Penn: Sure, we'll shelve the Qkz project for another day. So you want a poll of your members? You've come to the right man, polling is my expertise. So what do you want your members to suggest?

Komen Exec: Isn't that what we'd be paying you to find out?

Penn: Of course, of course. Sorry, it's just that when I worked for Hillary Clinton we... we'll that's a story for another time. So what do you want to know from your members?

Brinker: We want to know how much we have to pretend we're sorry about this whole mess in order for people to give us money again, and how much we can push right wing bullshit on our members in the future without them freaking out and not giving us money.

Penn: Alright, I understand completely. What you need is a new microgroup you haven't tapped into yet, one that can give you more money. I happen to have written a book on this subject, so you've come to the right place.

Pink Hat: I'm not sure you understand what...

Penn: He's what I see: There are plenty of groups that are an untapped market for breast cancer donations. My idea: Aspiring snipers.

Komen Exec: What? We're trying to find out more about our members, what does this have to do with anything?

Penn: You're probably not aware of this, but small is the new big! Did you know in some random survey, 1% of people said they wanted to be snipers? How cool is that? That means 1% of the US population wants to be snipers! 12% of women have breast cancer in their lifetimes. Snipers care about cancer more than most, so by my calculations 50% of snipers have been effected by breast cancer and 75% would be interested in getting involved. If you can convince all of these snipers to donate to Komen, think of what that could mean for the ASPIRING SNIPERS! That trend could be a super-micro trend! I may have just crapped my pants with excitement.

Pink hat: Wait, what the hell are you talking about? What do you mean 50% of snipers have been effected by breast cancer? How do you know that? Where are you getting these numbers? Why are we talking about snipers?

Komen Exec: And when 1% of a survey says something, isn't that usually below the margin of error and meaningless? Also, why are we talking about snipers?

(Brinker reaches under table, pulls out gun)

(Room Gasps)

Brinker: I love it! This gives us a chance to use this gun promotion that we've been trying to roll out. Any chance we can get sniper rifles in pink?

Komen Exec: I mean, I guess, but that doesn't seem to do anything about the fact that our members don't trust...

Penn: Trust is a out of date macro trend, and you don't want to be living in the past. Anyone who wasn't on board with axing Planned Parenthood probably didn't really care about cancer that much anyway, at least that's the word I'm getting from the sniper community.

Pink Hat: Is there any polling you can do for us that doesn't involve snipers?

Penn: Of course! How do you feel about archers?

Brinker: I'm with the snipers! If our members wouldn't stick with us when the going got tough, what use are they anyway! Mark, whatever your rate is, we'll pay it, I'm sure these sniper insights don't come cheap. I'm glad we had this meeting, We'll have turned things around in no time!

Komen Exec: I give up. Anyone know if that pink gun is loaded?

Penn: One day everyone will look back in awe at the day these microtrends changed the breast cancer and sniper relationship forever. As for payment, that sound you hear is a dumptruck pulling around back, feel free to shovel what cash or valuables or organization has in there. Next meeting we'll plan the sniper focus group and I'll reveal a few more mircotrends that will BLOW YOUR MIND. Did you know that 1% of the population is a "pessimistic parent"? If merge them with the aspiring snipers that's SIX MILLION new members for Komen!

Brinker: My god... that's brilliant!

Penn: I know! Well, the president of Syria wants some polling on the political turmoil he's found himself in, and I think their population of NASCAR dads could give him an easy path to victory! Farewell!

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