Monday, December 1, 2008

Project for the New New American Century: December Newsletter

Last May we here at PNNAC boldly announced the creation of our think-tank with a bold list of bold foreign policy objectives. Designed to ensure continued American dominance in the upcoming century, our list of countries marked ‘INVADE RIGHT NOW’ urged President Bush to follow through immediately. Had he done so, we would be looking at a very likely world today. Sadly the President was swayed by a shadowy network of voices of reason and wet blankets, who ensured that not a single policy suggestion was enacted.

The results, clearly, have been tragic. Our enemies have been emboldened by the complete “pussification” (their word, not mine) of George Bush, who they claim has gone from a “Grade-A warmonger” to a “fairly unobjectionable guy.” Signs of their strength can be seen across the globe, making the clear and urgent threat posed by pre-war Iraq look like a mere desert mirage: Ships hijacked off the East African coast, crowded airports in Thailand, vaguely scary things done by some bad guys, poorly-spelled rants about the evils of America written on the internet. If we are to avert the coming disasters, President Obama must act quickly to follow every single one of our prescribed measures.

These days the threats facing America change quickly, so most of our suggestions have changed. Make no mistake, however: unless these nations are promptly destroyed, the consequences for Americans today and for future generations will be dire.

1. Kyrgyzstan: The only nation carried over from the first list, Kyrgyzstan is still asking for it. Beside their stupid name and goofy-looking bands, Kyrgyzstan has also refused to relocate their capital, Bishkek. The least they could do is engage in a massive renaming campaign, designed to render civilized nomenclature to a place which very sorely needs it. Until they do, they should live in constant fear of merciless retribution for their crimes against tasteful names.

2. Iceland: For months it has been clear that the economic crisis has been especially cruel to Iceland. When the country was jokingly put up for auction, many Chinese jumped at the chance. We believe it is clear that President Obama should immediately enact a policy of actually buying and selling Iceland several times daily, to send a message to China. While this may be impractical given that our own economy isn’t in particularly good shape, and while this would certainly cause Icelandic Gross National Consternation Levels to rise uncontrollably, sometimes America has to make some sacrifices to stay on top. When the Chinese see that America actually does things that they only joke about on the internet, despite many overwhelmingly negative consequences, they will be forced to acknowledge American supremacy.

3. New Zealand: With their country destroyed (by nuclear weapons, ironically), Jermaine Clement and Brit McKenzie will be forced to stay in America- actually, all New Zealanders will, due to the internment camps. Anyway, this will enable us to force them to make them create additional episodes of Flight of the Conchords in a timely fashion. Still want to end the show after the second season? I’m sure a few days of waterboarding will change their minds. Another dire threat to America erased.

4. Alaska: “As Putin rears his head over the airspace of America, where do they go?” The Project for the New New American Century couldn’t have put it any better, Sarah Palin. Amazing illustrations of that question aside, it’s time to show Putin we mean business. Destroying Alaska will leave Putin without a good place to rear his head over the airspace of America, which will surely bother him. As we all know that rearing his head over the airspace of America is his favorite pastime, this will be a victory of modest, yet fulfilling, proportions.

5. The Moon: From causing the tides to enabling lunacy, the Moon has wreaked its havoc on the Earth for long enough. It’s time to put a stop to our Moon troubles forever, by blowing it up or crashing it into something else (Pluto might be a good idea there, giving its supporters something to worry about besides completely arbitrary classification disputes). Did you know that the Moon has helped some of our greatest national foes? For example: Osama bin Laden has almost certainly, on at least one occasion in his life, been out at night and found his way around by the light of the Moon. Without this light his attempted navigation would have ended up becoming a madcap slapstick comedy, complete with banana peels and slide-whistles. Moon, your time is waning.

We hope President Obama is wise enough to break from the precedent set by Bush, and delivers on his promise to change our foreign policy.



1 comment:

  1. From causing the tides to enabling lunacy, the Moon has wreaked its havoc on the Earth for long enough.

    We've put up with the Moon's shit for far too long.