Friday, October 14, 2011

The 9-9-9 Plan: It's Awesome

You get to the point where you're so out of the loop over here... I finally do some interneting and all I see from everyone everywhere is 9-9-9, Hermain Cain, blah blah blah. Almost everyone seems to agree that it's a stupid plan, but what is it? No one says in the reaction pieces, which is weird because 9-9-9 seems really simple, like it should lend itself to easy explanation.

But nah, everyone is just talking about how stupid it is, so I have to go to Cain's site and figure it out for myself. I'm already kinda resentful because of that, but the first line turns me around:

"The natural state of our economy is prosperity. Freedom ensures that."

Wow, here's a guy who apparently doesn't understand anything about the economy! It's making me glad that I'm about to try and read his tax plan. By the way, 'freedom ensures that' is a great suffix to add to any random statement. Try it at home for fun.

"We can not spend our way to prosperity.
Government spending IS taxation.
Government spending is like taking a bucket of water from the deep end of the pool, pouring it in the shallow end. Then they HOPE that the water level will CHANGE."

Why do I feel like he would get into some Clintonian debate about the definition of "is" and stuff if anyone asked him questions about that? Also who actually wrote these sentences? Is Cain even less of a real contender than he seems?!

You know what, forget about the substance of his plan, if there is any. Check this out:

"The Fair Tax makes our exported goods and services the most competitively internationally than any other tax system."

What is happening in that sentence? How could someone look at that and then put it up on his website as the official description of his stupid tax plan? What is happening in America?! Then you get to his summary on the bottom:

"Ends all payroll taxes
Ends the Death Tax
Features zero tax on capital gains and repatriated profits
Lowest marginal rates on production
Allows immediate expensing of business investments
Eliminates double taxation of dividends"

Oh okay. While we're at it, why not just tax everyone in America a nickel? Also instead of a Death Tax you get a Death Credit, where poor people give rich people some money if someone in their family dies. Also instead of payroll tax we can just hire some people to scrounge around gutters and find loose change- also creating jobs for Americans! Capital gains should be completely untaxed and the number of millions of dollars you've made in this category should enable you to punch an equal number of homeless people in the face. Now things are really fair. I call it the 6-4-3-7-4-7-4-2-6-1-0 plan. Vote for Pizza Man Herman Cain.

1 comment:

  1. Haha, great post.

    Also, someone pointed out that his plan is strikingly similar to the standard industry tax rates from sim city, as any junkie can atttest!