Train Travel Guide: The Ukraine

Planning a vacation any time soon? With the summer heat upon us and the economy experiencing what I like to call an “extreme fecal blast,” many Americans are looking to take some vacation time and go abroad. Some head south to the beaches of Mexico, while others head north to Canada. Old European standbys like England and France are also popular options, and the Olympics may bring some to China (assuming of course that one manages to get a visa, something the Chinese are making inexplicably difficult).

Sadly, the weak American dollar makes travel to these places far more expensive than it used to be. Are you sure you can afford a trip to somewhere nice? If not please consider perusing this introduction to the Ukraine, the first of a series of articles highlighting the marvels of less-traveled paths and second-tier destinations!

QUICK FACTS
-The capital of the Ukraine is Kiev. You may have eaten Chicken Kiev, the only Ukrainian recipe ever declared “technically edible by humans” by the United Nations Food Committee!
-The official currency of the Ukraine is the hryvnia. The current exchange rate is 4.6 hryvnia to the dollar. One hryvnia will buy you two goats, five stools, eight broken light bulbs, or a fist-sized pile of human teeth. These things are all used interchangeably with hryvnia in the Ukraine, much the same way dollar bills and change are here in the States!
-The domain suffix for the Ukraine is .ua. The Ukrainians have yet to discover how to create systems of tubes, however, and estimate that their first website will not be online until 2012. As it stands this site will likely be a portal for automated spambots, exiled Russian hackers, and people advertising a wide variety of unspeakable Ukrainian fetishes. I can’t wait to recoil in horror from what they have to offer!

BACKGROUND INFORMATION
-The Ukraine has been inhabited for millennia. In the 7th century the land was part of “Old Great Bulgaria,” a term used to distinguish it from “New Crappy Bulgaria,” also known simply as “Bulgaria.”
-The Ukraine is made of 24 “oblasts.” Each oblast is then divided into a number of borslops, which is itself comprised of grossflaps. Most grossflaps contain a number of blechniks, gratsplots, ikbumps, ughflorps, and dripvarts. The last one doubles as a heinous insult in Ukrainian, however, so take care when asking for direction!

SIGHTS TO SEE
-Khotyn Fortress: While this place has a long, confusing history, all you need to know is that it was once stormed by people called “Zaporozhian Cossacks.” With a name like that they’re either undefeatable or stunningly incompetent- go ahead and figure out which it sounds like to you, and then assume the battle went accordingly.
-The Seven-Kilometer Market: As an American I refuse to get even the slightest feel for the metric system, but trusted sources assure me that this is a moderately impressive length for a market.
-Chernobyl: Apparently they no longer give tours of the power plant? Feel free to disregard safety signs and check it out on your own though. I’m sure these guys are taking good care of their nuclear power plants.
-The Potemkin Steps in Odessa: These steps were designed to create the illusion that they violate the rules of time and space, or contain non-Euclidean geometry or something. While a small minority of viewers are filled with inexplicable dread, most are able to get from the top of the stairs to the bottom with only minor malaise!

Well, that’s it for now. If anyone has any ideas for future installments, please do make some suggestions. Good luck enduring the horrors wonders of the Ukraine!

Train Holiday Guide: The 4th of the July

The 4th of July means a lot of things to different people. Some might think of songs by Soundgarden, or the Beach Boys! Others might recall a novel by James Patterson, or start repeating the classic Will Smith line “Welcome to Earf” from the movie ID4, a historical docu-drama about the day aliens tried to kill Bill Pullman. Here in America, however, we recognize the 4th of July as they day when a ragtag group of American patriots torched London and most of Sussex, freeing America from the tight grip of the fascist British empire.

Different people celebrate the day in different ways. Traditionally conservatives spend the days leading up to the 4th berating liberals for being anti-American, a charge which liberals usually attempt to disprove using “logic” or “facts” or “pointing out how obviously untrue it is.” Not this year, however: it’s time to finally give up the ruse and expose America to the liberal version of the 4th of July.

Conservatives: Might spend the day gathered around a grill, with burgers and corn on the cob for all!
Liberals: Spend the day gathered around the grill, BURNING AMERICAN FLAGS! Later we URINATE ON THE GRILL to put out the fire, and provide additional disrespect to the flag.

Conservatives: Probably head out to watch the fireworks over at the local all-white country club!
Liberals: Provide intelligence to our friends in Al’Qaeda, alerting them to the location of the fireworks. Then Osama bin Laden himself goes from country club to country club like an EVIL MIDDLE EASTERN SANTA CLAUS stealing the fireworks- which he will later use to ATTACK US TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN in a flamboyant and awe-inspiring use of RED WHITE AND BLUE FREEDOM-HATING SPECTACLE!

Conservatives: Take some time to appreciate what it means to be American, a wholesome and family-friendly good time for all!
Liberals: Travel to the US-MEXICO border to aid and abet GAY FRENCH COMMUNIST JEWISH MUSLIM ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS in crossing the border, taking pause every few minutes to SPIT on AMERICAN SOIL and vow the destruction of the vile nation!

These are just a few of the many differences in how people celebrate the day. Enjoy the 4th, however you acknowledge it!

The McCain Plan or: “How I learned to stop worrying and cut the bullshit”

Decades of arguments, with no end in sight. Millions of dollars spent. A population divided into three distinct groups without any hope of reconciliation.

The grim battle between constructivists, primordialists, and instrumentalists may have finally been brought to a close, however. Ethnic conflict theorists from around the world will be happy to hear that Republican nominee John McCain has finally discovered the final solution for ethnic conflict! Yes, all it takes is getting the groups in question together and telling them to “stop the bullshit.” Attempts to forge unity and achieve reintegration can be called off immediately, as all you need is a touch of vulgarity with a side of ignorance. Word is already being spread across the internet, ethnic conflict theorists should soon be happy to hear that their life’s work has been in vain.

The media hasn’t yet discovered the rest of the McCain plan, however. Solving the Iraqi Shia and Sunni problem is just the beginning. The Train of Thought has received exclusive documents from the McCain Campaign detailing their plans for the rest of the world:

• Israel vs. Palestine: “I’ll sit the Palestinians and Israelis down and tell ‘em ‘Push them into the sea!’ This will result in a hilarious game in which an Israeli team led by Olmert and a Palestinian team led by Abbas meet at a beach and wrestle for the future of their people! Whichever team pushes the other into the ocean first gets to keep the place. The losers have to pack up, although I’m sure I could help find a nice spot somewhere on the earth to declare their home, regardless of how the current occupants feel about it.”
  

• China vs. Tibet: “I’ll sit the Chinese and the Tibetans down and tell ‘em ‘Culturally repress them all!’ This one is a bit more complicated. First we gather 1,000 Han Chinese and 1,000 Tibetans. The Han are given to the Dalai Lama, while Hu Jintao gets the Tibetans. Then all rules are off, with both leaders doing their best to repress the citizens. Deny them work, freedom of religion and expression, even administer brutal police beatings and stays in bleak gulags! Whichever leader has his charges feeling more repressed a month later wins. Winner gets Tibet. The only problem is that the Dalai Lama is a reincarnated god of compassion, whereas Hu Jintao has plenty of practice being awful to Tibetans. To even it out the Dalai Lama will get help from an expert team of China-repressers: a Japanese delegation and zombie Western colonial-era fatcats! I don’t foresee any problems with this one.”
  

• Republic of Ireland vs. Northern Ireland: “I’ll sit down the Irish and the other Irish and tell ‘em ‘Drunkenly argue about Christian theological concepts!’ Yes, this one will be brought to a close as thousands of Irish and North Irish clergy argue the finer points of transubstantiation, consubstantiation, and the exact meaning and makeup of the Holy Trinity! Eventually Catholic and Protestant parishioners will be brought together as one to end the increasingly meaningless debates and reunite the island forever.”

For a man who just can’t get Shia and Sunni straight, these are some really innovative plans. Now all we have to do is pray that McCain can implement his policies after defeating the looming menace of the upcoming commu-secular-African-anti-American-Barackocracy this fall. Good luck, Senator!

The Unspeakable Fury of Michael Savage

Over the last few days the outcome of Boumediene v. Bush has continued to garner reactions from across the political spectrum. I wouldn’t have assumed that a right dating back at least 793 years could possibly be this controversial, but here we are. The lines were drawn quickly with liberals, libertarians,* sane conservatives, and those generally interested in justice and the rule of law aligned against people stuck in a pre-1215 A.D. mindset.

Along with plenty of good analysis came the bad. Newt Gingrich, for example, called the outcome of Boumediene “worse than Dred Scott.” That’s right: assuring habeas corpus rights for those held by the U.S. is worse than the decision which said African Americans could never be U.S. citizens, and had no legal rights. In celebration of this bombastically hyperbolic stupidity, I may now take the precedent set by Newt to declare anything I dislike “worse than Dred Scott.” That sandwich I had for lunch today? Worse than Dred Scott. Weather last night? Worse than Dred Scott. New M. Night Shyamalan movie? Worse than Dred Scott. Newt Gingrich, as a human being? You called it, worse than Dred Scott.

Even by the shrill and awful standards set by Gingrich and McCain, however, Michael Savage is unbelievable. This guy is in a league of his own. Read this, and do keep in mind that this is coming from a guy who is not, as far as I know, infected with rabies or gamma radiation or anything:

Don't tell me they're entitled to a rational defense, I'm so sick of this -- I could rip my desk and it's made of iron. I feel like Superman right now, I could take my hands and break my desk, that's how enraged I am today, I'm choked up with anger.

Ahahahahahahahahahaha, this is literally the 8th time I’ve read that, and I’m still laughing at how insane Savage is. But hey, you know what? Two can play at that game:

Hey Michael Savage, your unending capacity for intolerance makes me so angry that I could take my hands and rip up my desk, that’s how angry I am! It’s mostly made of wood but there’s some metal running along the bottom, I can’t tell how much because of the fact that I’m choked up with rage. Anyway after I rip up my desk, I then swing it around really fast and smash it through the wall of my house, and then as it flies away towards the horizon I jump out of the hole in the wall and land on it, breaking all the laws of physics but it doesn’t matter because I’m just totally outraged and furious. So I’m riding this wrath-fueled desk through the air across most of the United States, and air controllers are really angry at me because seriously, how is that even possible? But it doesn’t matter at all, I’m sick of this and I’m filled with uncontrollable, indescribable rage.

After riding impossible currents of hot air and vexation for hours I land in Savagetown USA, famous home of Michael Savage! You’re there naturally and I can see that you’re really angry, plus I had heard your insane on-air rant a few hours ago where you said something weird about breaking a desk, but I’m definitely angrier than you. So angry, in fact, that I fix your desk using only ire and indignation, which are towards the less angry edge of my anger spectrum but are still way beyond any anger that you may be experiencing. After that I give you the must infuriatingly enraged lesson on the importance of civil liberties and personal freedom and how both of these things relate to the Constitution and the legacy of older documents like, say, the Magna Carta for example. Naturally this leaves you really bitter and resentful but also well-educated on exactly why your earlier position was so outrageously dumb. At this point I’m starting to run out of unspeakable fury so I do that same thing from before where I break all the rules of space and time and ride a desk back home.

So that, in conclusion, is how listening to Michael Savage makes me feel.

* Libertarians actually concerned with civil liberties, that is, not crazy people struggling against the overwhelming tyranny of the F.D.A. or Republicans too ashamed to admit their partisan affiliation anymore.

Train of Thought Field Trip: The Wonders of Conservapedia

These are truly dark days for the modern American conservative. Just two years ago the Republicans lost both the House and the Senate, and their chances in the upcoming Presidential election look grim. Their voice in the media has been largely silenced, as long as you ignore talk radio and Sunday morning politics shows and a lot of cable news programs and major newspapers. George Bush can’t even get away with ignoring habeas corpus anymore, thanks to activist judges with an insistence on protecting civil rights! It’s enough to shake even the strongest persecution complex. Now, however, their enemies have opened yet another front: the internet.

Lately it has been argued that Wikipedia, for example, has become biased. At first it might be tempting to say that people making these claims should just go to Wikipedia itself and edit the articles- after all, anyone can do it. The only problem is that you’ll need to cite your edits, which as it turns out is rather difficult for some people. Want to delete everything in the Obama article and replace it with a poorly written all-caps rant about how he’s a secret Muslim terrorist radical anti-white sleeper cell Black Panther jihadist? Fine, but you’re going to have to cite a source somewhat more reliable than an NRC press release.

Luckily the brave men and women of Conservapedia.com have risen up to defend their right to write insane things on the internet. First, they started by pointing out examples of the liberal bias wikidemonstrated on wikiwikipedia:

Wikipedia gives favored treatment to anyone who promotes the homosexual agenda.

Wikipedia has an entry on "Gun Politics in the United States" that falsely claims that "Gun politics as a political issue dates to the earliest days of the United States."

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed is listed under the category "American propaganda films."

Wikipedia has an extensive entry on "Creation myth"… and although the theory of evolution satisfies Wikipedia's definition of "myth", Wikipedia never describes it as a "myth".

Wikipedia described the People for the American Way, which is a liberal advocacy group, as a "progressive advocacy organization"

Wikipedia allows hundreds of thousands of obscure and offensive entries, such as unsuccessful punk rock groups and silly television shows.

Tolerance?! History?! Classifying an unabashedly anti-science propaganda film as… propaganda?! The word progressive?! Articles about punk rock bands?! Not on my internet! The entire list is 121 items long and located here, and is well worth a read if you have 8 hours to spare and deeply masochistic personality. Long rambling lists of Wikipedia wikifaults isn’t the only thing Conservapedia is good for, though. Get a load of truth as presented for the first time without the liberal filters, distortion fields, and facts that you’re used to.

First, and perhaps most baffling, consider the article on the kangaroo. The media has stifled the red-hot topic of kangaroos for some time now, allowing liberal lies to obfuscate the true nature of the animal. You see-

Consistent with their view that the fossil record as a whole does not support the evolutionary position, creationists state that there is a lack of transitional fossils showing an evolutionary origin of kangaroos… According to the origins theory model used by young earth creation scientists, modern kangaroos are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin that were taken aboard Noah's Ark prior to the Great Flood.

Here I was, worried that kangaroos support gun control or perform abortions or something! It’s safe to say that when one is curious about the specifics of evolution, the best source to go to is young earth creationists. Along those lines, questions about eating meat should be forwarded to JJ, questions about sports to me, and keep in mind that John McCain is great for computer problem troubleshooting.

Ever found a statement by Ann Coulter offensive? Anything will do, from hoping for a terrorist attack on the US to calling John Edwards a faggot to saying that liberals are driven by Satan.

Her comments are frequently controversial and her critics often feign being offended.

Ah, turns out you weren’t really offended, you were just faking! A few short clicks from the Ann Coulter page is the Hollywood values article, which waxes poetic about the inexplicable hatred Hollywood has for the rest of the country, and includes this gem:

Trashing hotel rooms is a favorite form of offensive behavior by Hollywood types. Many examples are readily available on the internet.

I’m honestly not even sure where to start with that one, so instead of writing about it I’m off to watch some videos of “Hollywood types” engaging in “a favorite form of offensive behavior.” Try not to waste too many hours browsing this fantastic addition to the internet.

TRAIN NEWS presents: “When Congressmen Attack”

Senator Barack Obama made news and inspired well-written blog posts earlier this week when he took Senator Lieberman by the hand and, to use the parlance of our times, made him a man. In this case, ‘making him a man’ refers to emasculating him in front of his allies and opponents in the Senate, the Republicans and Democrats respectively. While this has been hailed as a heroic act far overdue, it should be noted that this is not the first time in recent history when tempers have flared on the floors of the House and Senate:

• 2004: Dick Cheney, in his role as president of the Senate, drops the F-bomb during a discussion with Pat Leahy. This is generally acknowledged to be the least obscene thing Cheney has ever done.

• 2003:  When Senator John Lofton collapses as he enters the Senate chamber, Bill Frist pauses his kidnapped kitten vivisection* to make a diagnosis from his seat hundreds of feet away. Although onlookers note that Lofton appears to be suffering from a heart attack, Frist concludes that Lofton seems fine and that he should recover imminently. Lofton’s death hours later enrages his colleagues, although the lack of consequences emboldens Frist, who then swears that from that moment on he will get EVERY diagnosis wrong.
  

• 2001: After the results of the 2000 elections are announced, lame duck VP Al Gore invites the senate to a special presentation. Instead of a rough working cut of his as-of-yet unannounced global warming presentation, however, this was revealed to be a crude prank which ends with Gore flashing shock site goatse.cz on the monitors until the disgusted senators leave the building.
  

Hopefully in the upcoming days other Democrats will take the opportunity to shake hands with Lieberman and yell at him for a few minutes. Getting Democrats (and Connecticut for Liebermanders) to work together can be harder than herding cats, but it will probably get easier as these cats realize that a steadfast refusal to do the right thing will earn them verbal abuse from their colleagues. Also, these cats won’t be offered Committee chairmanships. Finally if all else fails we can threaten to formally turn these cats over to the Senate Republicans, and see if they learned any uses for cats from their old friend Bill Frist.


*While the link leads to the Wikipedia article on the subject, it cannot be repeated enough: Bill Frist, by his own admission, took cats from animal shelters and killed them for experimentation. I would say this quite possibly makes Frist the worst person in the world, very much like those selected by Keith Olbermann. Unlike those selected by Keith Olbermann, however, Frist will remain the worst person in the world tomorrow, and the day after, and so forth into perpetuity.

Welcome to the 2008 Democratic Primary Cessation Appreciation Station!

If you haven’t already, please take a moment to forget my previous predictions- like almost everything based on a statement from the Clinton camp, they turned out to be indisputably false. Now that Hillary has more or less admitted defeat and left herself with only a few opportunities to claim “take-backsies” the rest of the Democrats can begin to put their party back together.

Obama himself will probably need some time to recover, as the shape of the campaign for the last 3 months has been Obama versus the unholy alliance of McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Bill Clinton. The idea that any two of those three people should work together seemed laughably silly a year ago, but every now and then mutual interests bring together a Republican senator, a Democratic Senator, and a former Democratic President to play a game of “tear down the Democratic presidential nominee.” It’s nice to see that Bill Clinton can transcend partisan politics in order to damage his own parties’ chances in the general election, all in the name of keeping his wife’s increasingly quixotic campaign on life support for just a little bit longer.

The following are the steps that Obama should be taking now, to get back on track for the general election:

• Throw a really awesome pizza party! Everyone loves pizza, even recently vanquished primary rivals. Obama can sit back, crack open brewskis, and laugh with Clinton about what a ridiculous waste of time the last 3 months have been. He can even invite the press and make it Chicago-style pizza. This will enable him to crack some joke about how they’re probably used to traditional pizza, a joke that will be repeated on cable news for days until David Brooks accuses him of being out of touch with which style of pizza blue-jean hard-workin’ regular guys eat. Then cable news can go on and on about how elitist Chicago-style pizza is until angry riots break out targeting Pizzeria Uno locations nationwide.
  

• Change themes! Obama has been extremely consistent since the beginning of his campaign, talking about hope and change and more or less restraining himself from mud-slinging. Now would be a great time to change it all up and choose a more traditional tack. Here are a few possible options not already openly claimed by another contender:

1. Despair and economic collapse
2. Resentment and frustration
3. Anger and misogyny
4. Racism and confusion
5. Indescribable horror and eldritch terror
6. Lunacy and contrarianism
7. Antediluvianism and befuddlement.

          Surely whichever he chooses, he’ll be able to make it look good.

• Choose a VP! There’s been a lot of talk from the pundits about how incredibly likely an Obama-Clinton ticket is. A bunch of nay-sayers have claimed that this is almost certainly not going to happen, because it benefits no one and probably decreases the value of his ticket in many places. Throw those guys out of punditry; logic and reason have no place there! Here is a list of some other potential VP picks roughly as realistic as Hillary Clinton, hopefully Obama can spot someone he likes: Karl Rove, David Brooks, Mark Penn, George W. Bush, John McCain, Pope Benedict, Stalin, Satan, John Lofton, Jefferson Davis, Plato, King Leonidas, a ghost from Ghostbusters, and Nathan Explosion.
  

Whew! There’s more, of course, but this is probably enough advice for one day. Best of luck to Obama, and here’s to hoping he doesn’t read a word of this.

A Scenario In Which Hillary Clinton Might Win

Candidate Clinton shocked literally everyone in the world earlier when she took the unprecedented step of acknowledging reality for the first time in almost half a year. When asked about whether she expects the Democratic Primary to continue beyond the June 3rd primaries, she answered:

"It could, I hope it doesn't. I hope it's resolved to everyone's satisfaction by that date, because that's what people are expecting, but we'll have to see what happens."

Well, 50/50 on the whole reality thing. She seems to understand that at this point there is only one person in the Democratic Party who’s happy about how long this whole thing is taking- maybe two, if you count Bill. On the other hand, her mysterious comment at the end about how we have to “see what happens” is totally baffling. What does she expect might happen? Obama only needs to win a fifth of the remaining delegates to capture the nomination, something which is all but assured at this point.

When I first read the story it took me hours to understand the full meaning of that quote. I stared at my monitor for what felt like a lifetime, contemplating the deeper nuances. We sat there, the quote and I, until only the quote remained. I have now returned from my meditation upon the words of Hillary Clinton, and can tell you exactly what she sees coming, and how the next few weeks will go down:

First, the next week proceeds exactly like everyone knows it will. Obama and Clinton vie for the delegates from Puerto Rico, Montana, and South Dakota. The results from these primaries, combined with the ongoing movement of super delegates leave Obama only a few short of victory by June 7th or so, when Hillary finally unleashes her attack! Using her status as the establishment candidate, she gets the Rules and Bylaws Committee and Seating Committees to allow the Florida and Michigan delegates’ seats at the convention- and only her delegates from these states will be allowed in! Also, she renounces the statehood of any state using a caucus system. This doesn’t just remove them from the Democratic Convention, mind you- these states are officially out of the Union.

All of this naturally leaves Obama in a tight spot. He would probably be out for good, but for the last minute conversion of none other than WILLIAM CLINTON! On the road to Denver Bill has an epiphany, changes his name to Pilliam, and arrives preaching the gospel of Obama. This leaves many of the party insiders hopelessly confused, as disobeying an order from a Clinton is an unthinkable notion to many of these brainless deadweights. Chaos ensues.

At this point the Republicans step in, led by the professional water-carrier and eldritch horror himself, Rush Limbaugh. He and his army of Dittoheads had been massing on the borders of Colorado for weeks, hoping that their plan to muddle the Democratic Primary would see just such an opportunity. Nonsensical talking points and meaningless rhetoric fill the air, deafening thousands of Americans.

It is in the final hours of this fight that Obama finally takes off the mask. All of those email forwards you received from your crazy grandparents? They were right. Obama is a secret Muslim! He is quickly joined by Keith Ellison, the other secret Muslim senator. Representative Virgil Goode’s head explodes. Things get pretty crazy for a while, with Obama and Keith calling people to prayer many times a day, eating halal food, going on pilgrimages to Mecca, and following the other Pillars of Islam. A bunch of other stuff happens too and the Christian Right isn’t too happy about it.

The entire debacle is finally brought to an end when a group of mediators from some Scandinavian country show up and quickly negotiate a ceasefire. The terms? All the surviving delegates will play a game of musical chairs, to the tune of “Yakety Sax.” The outcome of this is unclear, as there’s only so much meaning you can glean from any words that come out of Hillary Clinton’s mouth. Still, at least now you know what she’s talking about. In the coming weeks American will be tested as never before, and after the unspeakable carnage is brought to an end we will have a nominee.

DC Train of Thought: The Official Beijing 2008 Olympics Celebration Station, Part Two!

It’s been over a month since I nominated one of the eleventh Panchen Lamas (specifically the one endorsed by Tibetan Buddhist religious figures, not the one endorsed by the officially atheist Communist Party of China) for the spot of Beijing 2008 Poster Child. I figured one month would be more than long enough for him to get back to me, but apparently His Missingness places higher priority on being abducted by authoritarians than he does on ensuring the success of the 2008 Summer Games. Children these days, right?

In the meantime, the Chinese have continued to promote “The Friendlies.” These mascots are no replacement for a proper poster child, and it should be noted that some of them are probably bad influences on anyone who sees them: one, for example, is made of fire. I can hardly wait for when children across the world start burning and/or exploding things to emulate this kid-friendly Friendly. Another one resembles a panda, an animal known for embracing sloth, gluttony, and excessively loud sneezing.

All of this brings me to my second suggestion: the Yangtze River Dolphin, or baiji!









This uniquely Chinese dolphin lived in the Yangtze River, which stretches from deep inside mainland China to the East China Sea near Shanghai. For the purposes of navigating this river the dolphins had invented or evolved sonar, proving that dolphins are truly incredibly smart. When you add this to the other typical examples of dolphin intelligence (high-pitched squeaking, an unstoppable compulsion to jump through hoops) it really does leave one in awe of them.

Visitors to the Olympics may be hard put to find one, however. One of the many benefits of the Cultural Revolution was that the Yangtze River, which had previously been teeming with unspeakable hordes of baiji, was left with very few of them. If you are wondering what killing piles of dolphins has to do with advancing revolutionary class struggle, consider this: dolphins are undeniably bourgeois oppressors. Freeing the proletariat from these capitalist landlord dolphins was a vital step in advancing the class interests of poor Chinese peasants.

Today baiji are classified as critically endangered, and possibly extinct. Aside from one possible sighting last summer, it has been years since any have been found. All of this makes the baiji a great example of the skill with which the Communist Party of China has taken care of the environment and species within their country. Set your calendars, river dolphins: you have one month to accept the role of Beijing 2008 Poster Child, or I’m passing it on to someone else.

Progress Marches On in Myanmar (or “Burma, it’s an industry term”)

Go ahead and picture this if you will: Rule by military junta. An oppressed democracy movement. A Nobel Peace Prize winner under house arrest. Peaceful demonstrations by monks cut short by gunfire. A disastrous cyclone followed by a government response so skilled it makes the Hurricane Katrina assistance from FEMA look positively amateurish.

Yes, there’s only one place that fits all of these criteria: Burma! Technically all I really had to type was the one about house arrest, as Burma is currently the only country in the world to have taken the bold move of imprisoning a Nobel Peace Prize winner. Still, it does feel good to have all of accomplishments of the Burmese government listed in one paragraph.

The last time we heard about Burma in the news was when the junta put an end to what some refer to as the Saffron Revolution. Those of us who have been raised in the decadent West have no idea what it must be like to live in a country with so many Buddhist monks running around, peacefully agitating for human rights and democracy- what unspeakable horror! Fortunately the junta was able to take a few cues from its friends in Beijing, and quickly restored law and order and harsh merciless oppression to the land.

I know that I’m personally pretty glad that the United States, United Nations, European Union, ASEAN, and pretty much every other potential force for good in the world were happy to sit that one out. One factor partially explaining why the U.S. didn’t do anything may be the efforts of one Doug Goodyear, who was until quite recently the coordinator for the 2008 Republican National Convention. Turns out his lobbying firm had accepted a contract from the junta, to try and improve relations between DC and the Burmese government!

With this deal exposed and Myanmar likely not getting its moneys worth, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a few potential slogans for use on posters, flyers, t-shirts, and blinking flashing moving pop-up ads:

• Aung San Suu Kyi rocks the house! (with a picture of the house she’s been confined to for 18 or so years)
  
• Myanmar: More than just dead monks! (probably don’t want a picture for this one)
• Military Junta? More like FUN-ta! (attempt the impossible task of procuring a picture of any Burmese citizen having fun)

Today the news is again filled with images of the Burmese regime doing what it does best. Food only somewhat extremely past its prime is being distributed to survivors. The military, with little else to do while the people of Burma struggle to survive, has taken to hassling the monks again. A good thing, too, because the monks were close to overshadowing the official government response, despite having practically no resources. Outside help has been largely rejected by the government. Yes, progress truly marches on in Burma.

Train of Thought presents: The War Declaration Brain-Cell Quorum Forum!

An excellent post below by JJ, who eloquently explains the reasoning behind his advocacy for armed conflict with Iran.  I'd like to take a moment to reiterate that we really cannot thank AIPAC enough for giving our legislators a hand with the authorization bill, fantastic work and high-fives all around!

Iran is just one threat, though, and the clock is ticking.  This is something that the White House and its Republican allies should understand well from having watched so much 24- time is always about to run out!  While I'd love to be able to physically waterboard some sense into them, this list will have to do.  I've tried to prioritize, so that Bush and his merry men can make the best use of the few months they have left to run wild and do whatever they want with US foreign policy.

1. North Korea: Alright, we may as well go ahead and finish the trilogy. Plus these guys have been totally asking for it lately, what with their bizarre attempt to help Syria build a nuclear reactor.   Why they would do that, given that it would probably upgrade their threat status in Israel from 'guys we don't interact with much but probably dislike' to 'guys we're likely to eradicate with nuclear weapons next time we get bored' is beyond me.


2. South Korea: While we're in the neighborhood, South Korea has to go. We protect them from Kim Jung Il, we trade with them, we even sent them their national sport, Starcraft. Yet even with North Korea aiming millions of dollars worth of weapons at them, and with their traditional enemy Japan sitting right across the sea from them, and with China lurking ominously nearby and empowering Kim Jung Il, and with The Overmind up to its usual antics, they somehow chose the United States as their national enemy.  Go ahead and think about that for a minute:  we defend their borders, we disarmed the crap out of Japan last time that whole thing was an issue, we didn't even get too angry with them about the actions of late playwright Cho Seung-Hui.  Way to be ungrateful, South Korea.


3. Kyrgyzstan:  What an awfully-named country!  Seriously, what am I even looking at?!  The whole 'Y as a vowel' thing was just made up to retroactively make a few words acceptable in the English language, it was not an invitation to go nuts and create the weirdest sounding country you possibly could.  Also, the capital of Kyrgyzstan is named Bishkek.  I rest my case.


4. Libya:  I know they look like they're trying to play it straight now, but I'm pretty sure that Libya is working on weapons of mass destruction again.  Also, they have or have had ties to terrorists.  I'm going to throw this out there:  Libya was actually responsible for 9-11.  I'm more or less sure that some Libyan guy has run into someone from Al'Qaeda at some point, so they're pretty clearly implicated.


5. Israel: You're going to have to hear me out on this one. Pre-emption is the latest trend in international conflict, right? Now we all know that any number of countries and terrorist groups want to attack Israel, it's practically all some people talk about. What better way to foil them and ruin all of their big plans than by pre-empting them and invading Israel ourselves?  Imagine the frustration felt in so many Afghan caves, Middle Eastern palaces, and Palestinian slums:  "The Great Satan has done it again!  We would have done it, too, if it weren't for you meddling Americans!"  Later they are all arrested, and George and Barney get high in a van.

So there we are!  I hope that these suggestions are taken into full consideration.  To help make sure they are, I am forming a new think tank:  The Project for the New New American Century.  I know, I know, but one "new" was already taken.  We will be sending a policy letter with our views to the White House soon.



UPDATE: Someone just informed me that all that stuff about Libya is pretty shakey. Apparently large numbers of Intelligence Community members hold the opinion that Libya is not reforming its WMD programs, and that thing about a Libyan guy running into a terrorist is not only mind-blowingly inconsequential, but also likely untrue.  Strike that one off the list, you'd have to be a maniac to follow through with the invasion knowing all that.

Train of Thought presents: The Reverend Wright Speculation Blowout Extravaganza!

If you're like most Americans, you've been completely mesmerized by the continuous coverage of the comments by pastor Jeremiah Wright.  These comments range in content from deeply uninteresting to easily misinterpretable and fairly silly.  While I haven't personally met anyone who cares about what he's saying, and although no one with half a brain is suggesting that Obama himself believes any of this, the news media immediately recognized the story as one that could be easily rehashed and repeated for hours days weeks months.  When substance itself runs out, hey, bring in some experts/talking heads/racists and see how long you can keep it up with bizarre speculation and attempts to conflate Wright with Obama.  Luckily we here at the Train of Thought have some inside sources, and are able to bring you several upcoming stories from the same guys who have brought you the never-ending Wright controversy:

"OBAMA PASTOR WRIGHT BORN IN GERMANTOWN, PA, IN 1941:  IS OBAMA SECRETLY A NEONAZI?"

May 5 (Washington DC)-  New revelations about Jeremiah Wright have Obama on the run again, after interested parties/ Republican operatives uncovered evidence that Wright was born in Germantown in 1941.  Enthusiastic Bush apologist and devoted Iraq War supporter Will Kristol led the way, stating "It simply can't be a coincidence that Wrights birthplace has the word German in it, given that he was born during the Third Reich.  Obama hasn't ever publicly denied or renounced neonazism, and here we see the liberal media giving him a free pass again."

At that point the press conference was interrupted by Kristol removing his pants, singing unintelligibly about the glorious victory in Iraq, and beginning, much to the dismay of the gathered press corp, to [more...]

"OBAMA PASTOR AND MENTOR JEREMIAH WRIGHT WAS BRIEFLY CHARGED WITH MEDICAL CARE FOR LYNDON JOHNSON, WHO LATER DIED. WILL EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER INTERACTED WITH OBAMA EVENTUALLY DIE?"


May 28 (Chicago)- After a quick glance at Wikipedia, concerned citizens brought several points to light regarding Reverend Wright, which also raised salient existential concerns among the American public. Noting that Wright had cared for Johnson, who would die some 20 years later, questions have been raised about whether or not interacting with Obama seals one's fate.

Dependably incorrect columnist Bill Kristol declined to comment, stating that he was under a restraining order restricting him from interacting with the press pending the outcome of a public indecency trial following the May 5th incident, in which he [more...]

"OBAMA MENTOR AND OVERMIND WRIGHT HOLDS SEVERAL THEOLOGICAL DEGREES- IS OBAMA PLANNING TO DESTROY THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND ESTABLISH A THEOCRACY?"

June 12 (Lexington Park)-  A new attack on Democratic contender Obama has formed, accusing him of planning to establish a theocratic government following the election.  Although his opponents disagree about whether this would be a Muslim or Christian theocracy, the one thing they are all able to agree on is that allowing this to happen would be a grave mistake for the American people.

"I've always enthusiastically supported the idea of an American theocracy, but I'm sure the DEMONcrats would just screw it up," wrote noted real-life troll Ann Coulter. "Besides that, weeks of writing about his Christian pastor have left me unconvinced that he isn't still really a Muslim. I'm not sure how I'd be able to reconcile my advocacy for bombing Muslim countries with having an officially Muslim USA, and I'd rather not take the time to figure that all out, thank you very much."

While a small number of media personalities have pointed out the growing insanity of the charges leveled against Obama, most are putting on a very good show of being cautiously worried by these latest developments.  Bill Kristol, for example, released a statement from prison in which he said the following:  "It's nice to see that people are starting to finally realize that Obama and Wright are the same person.  The accusations against Obama are a very serious matter, unlike those who claim that I, in full view of 20 reporters, [more...]


Yes, the next weeks and months will be a joy to behold.  Oh and for anyone who might have noticed the irony of someone writing a post about Wright complaining about the number of people writing about Wright:  Repeat to yourself "it's just a blog, I should really just relax."

DC Train of Thought: The Official Beijing 2008 Olympics Celebration Station!

Over the last few weeks the world has witnessed rising excitement and anticipation for the Summer Games in Beijing.  As a fever for the new competitive games of Torch Extinguishing and Placard Waving followed the Olympic Flame on its journey around the world, China has shown a cool commitment to running a professional, well-managed show.  Indeed, with new sports arenas being built at breakneck speed, with factories being shut down to help clear the air, and with human rights enjoying a great leap forward, it seems like the PRC 
really has thought of it all!

It was only a few days ago that I realized that there IS something they've forgotten.  If the Chinese want to show the world a truly human face that will bring home the idea of The New China as the everyone tunes in for the games, they need to choose a poster child!  Now while I'm sure that the Chinese are already working to rectify this oversight, I figured I'd go ahead and make the pitch for my choice: Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, the eleventh Panchem Lama!



Yes indeed, a cute face to plaster on posters all over the world!  May as 
well get the most use out of them and make them missing posters as well, because the reason that we don't have a more recent picture of the kid is because he's been missing for over a decade.   I'm positive the Chinese Communist Party will own up and tell everyone where he is some day soon, although then they'll have to figure out what to do with the false Panchem Lama they openly forced the Tibetans to accept instead.

Some people might say that he isn't the best choice for spot, but...  well, it takes a village to raise a child.  Actually, in this case I suppose it would be more accurate say it takes an authoritarian government to kidnap a spiritual leader and replace him with a puppet.  Still, I suppose this may be overly cynical.  Coming soon: another contender for Beijing 2008 poster child.