All Hilarious/Horrible Things Must Come To An End

It's all over for Rick Santorum. May he live on forever on the internet.

At least we still have Newt!

Keep reaching for that rainbow, big guy!

Newt Being Newt

This might be the most Newt Gingrich-y moment of the campaign so far

Newt Gingrich apparently has been so busy campaigning all around Georgia that he hasn’t had time to sleep, or even write a speech for the AIPAC crowd.

Moments before he was set to video-stream live to the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, Gingrich was caught on camera dozing off, perhaps dreaming about what it would be like to be president or live on the moon  or both.

At one point, he woke up in the midst of a speech by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, who addressed the conference before Gingrich.

Someone off-camera, probably referring that Gingrich appeared to be nodding off, said it was “probably the most relaxed moment you had today.”

“Listening to Panetta is not a relaxing experience,” Gingrich said, before slipping away into nap time again.
He woke up before he was  introduced for his speech and gave a short opening statement in which he promised, if elected president, to move the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, along with several other points.  Gingrich then opened up the floor to questions.

“I understand you have a panel. I look forward to any questions.”

Then 12 seemingly eternal seconds of silence followed. Gingrich stared blankly into the camera, and the audience stared back.

Finally the AIPAC introducer had to cut the awkward void.

“Mr. Speaker, there is not a panel,” he said. “Please do continue, sir.”

Gingrich, always the improviser, moved right along.

“Let me just say – I say this pretty briefly, I think,” Gingrich riffed. “We need a fundamental reassessment of our entire understanding of the threat of radical Islam.”

Click here for the video, because ABC News are dicks and won't let us embed it.

Newt In Space

So it looks like he's going to lose tomorrow, but this photoshop from buzzfeed is incredible.

Click to Embiggen.

Don't give up Newt! Keep reaching for that rainbow!

Newt Gingrich Channels Dave Chappelle

No, really:

Newt Gingrich’s case for boosting federal investments into private sector space projects awkwardly embraces a core tenet of modern liberalism: the belief that government spending can help the economy.

“By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American,” Gingrich said in Florida, explaining that it would entail “commercial near-Earth activities that include science, tourism and manufacturing, because it is in our interest.”

Not that far off:



And because we're talking about one of my favorite skits ever...

Taking Us Back To The 19th Century

Newt Gingrich has awesome plans for this country:

Speaking at Harvard (to remind us that he's a historian, no doubt) on Friday, Newt Gingrich not only called child labor laws "truly stupid," he did so as his answer to a question about income inequality. His answer had several prongs. First, use student labor to bust unions in schools:

"You say to somebody, you shouldn't go to work before you're what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You're totally poor. You're in a school that is failing with a teacher that is failing. I've tried for years to have a very simple model," he said. "Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they'd begin the process of rising."

"The process of rising" = Firing janitors so that kids can become janitor, which will help with their learning, because they're also janitors for the school, which is clearly a position of respect or something. Newt manages to take some pieces of libertarian thought (ownership breeds betters stewardship) and conservative ideas (Unionized janitors that have it too good!)and combines them into a nonsensical justification for getting rid of child labor laws. This is probably a good time to point people to the quote my dad sent me of Krugman saying that Gingrich is a "stupid man's idea of what a smart man sounds like".

Are we going to be lucky enough that reporters/other candidates don't reach into their constantly expanding Newt opposition research file during tonight's debate? I would really love to see him twist in the wind for a few more weeks, even if it's just for comedic value.

NEWT!!!

Man, the GOP race is going to strange places:

Two new national polls of the Republican primary race show very different results in the horserace, but do agree on one thing: Newt Gingrich is rocketing upwards.

The new CNN poll, among Republican respondents: Romney 24%, Gingrich 22%, Cain 14%, Perry 12%, Paul 8%, Bachmann 6%, Huntsman 3%, and Santorum 3%. In CNN’s previous poll from a month ago, Romney had 26%, Cain 25%, Perry 13%, and all others in single digits (including Gingrich at 8%).

And the new numbers from Public Policy Polling (D): Gingrich 28%, Cain 25%, Romney 18%, Perry 6%, Bachmann 5%, Paul 5%, Huntsman 3%, Santorum 1%, and Johnson 1%.

So this will last about 2 weeks, until right wingers realize he made an ad with Nancy Pelosi talking about climate change, or the second anyone anywhere reads this:

After going to the doctor for a mysterious tingling in her hand, [Marianne Gingrich] was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

Early in May 1999, she went out to Ohio for her mother’s birthday. A day and a half went by and Newt didn’t return her calls, which was strange. They always talked every day, often ten times a day, so she was frantic by the time he called to say he needed to talk to her.

“About what?”

He wanted to talk in person, he said.

“I said, ‘No, we need to talk now.’ “

He went quiet.

“There’s somebody else, isn’t there?”

She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. “‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.’ “

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”

In seriousness, what this tells me is that there are a large chunk of GOP voters who despise Romney and are searching for anyone (and if Newt Gingrich is leading, we mean ANYONE) to stop him from getting the nomination.

This would all be funnier if we weren't another economic downturn away from one of these asshats being president.

The Opposite of Freedom

According to Newt Gingrich Obama is a Kenyan anti-colonialist and...

"He is a natural secular European socialist," said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whose campaign imploded last week when his top advisers resigned. "He is the opposite of freedom."

Can a person be the opposite of freedom? That seems like a very philosophical question.

It's a shame he won't be in the race longer, especially if he keeps up this 1 mass staff resignation per 2 months of campaigning ratio.

Atheist Muslims

With everyone falling over themselves trying to please the teabaggers' buzzword based incoherent ideology, you get the feeling we're going to see a lot more of this during the 2012 primary. (via twitter)

Newt Gingrich:

"I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

(deep breath)
 
One more time:

"they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists"

There really aren't words.

Our Anti-Colonial Kenyan President

While everyone is rightfully eviscerating Newt Gingrich for his comments, the blindingly stupid article by Dinesh D’Souza that inspired them is so insane that it needs to be discussed:

But to his son, the elder Obama represented a great and noble cause, the cause of anticolonialism. Obama Sr. grew up during Africa's struggle to be free of European rule, and he was one of the early generation of Africans chosen to study in America and then to shape his country's future.

I know a great deal about anticolonialism, because I am a native of Mumbai, India. I am part of the first Indian generation to be born after my country's independence from the British. Anticolonialism was the rallying cry of Third World politics for much of the second half of the 20th century. To most Americans, however, anticolonialism is an unfamiliar idea, so let me explain it.

Anticolonialism is the doctrine that rich countries of the West got rich by invading, occupying and looting poor countries of Asia, Africa and South America. As one of Obama's acknowledged intellectual influences, Frantz Fanon, wrote in The Wretched of the Earth, "The well-being and progress of Europe have been built up with the sweat and the dead bodies of Negroes, Arabs, Indians and the yellow races."

I didn't think the merits of "anti-colonialism" was something we debated anymore, but Forbes magazine decided that they'd give Dinesh D’Souza a platform to spew bullshit from every orifice, so I guess this is what you get.

It may seem incredible to suggest that the anticolonial ideology of Barack Obama Sr. is espoused by his son, the President of the United States. That is what I am saying. From a very young age and through his formative years, Obama learned to see America as a force for global domination and destruction. He came to view America's military as an instrument of neocolonial occupation. He adopted his father's position that capitalism and free markets are code words for economic plunder. Obama grew to perceive the rich as an oppressive class, a kind of neocolonial power within America. In his worldview, profits are a measure of how effectively you have ripped off the rest of society, and America's power in the world is a measure of how selfishly it consumes the globe's resources and how ruthlessly it bullies and dominates the rest of the planet.

For Obama, the solutions are simple. He must work to wring the neocolonialism out of America and the West. And here is where our anticolonial understanding of Obama really takes off, because it provides a vital key to explaining not only his major policy actions but also the little details that no other theory can adequately account for.

That sounds just like the Big Bank friendly/Afghanistan escalating President Obama we know and love! But D'Souza isn't done making shit up to flesh out his conspiracy theory:

Why support oil drilling off the coast of Brazil but not in America? Obama believes that the West uses a disproportionate share of the world's energy resources, so he wants neocolonial America to have less and the former colonized countries to have more. More broadly, his proposal for carbon taxes has little to do with whether the planet is getting warmer or colder; it is simply a way to penalize, and therefore reduce, America's carbon consumption. Both as a U.S. Senator and in his speech, as President, to the United Nations, Obama has proposed that the West massively subsidize energy production in the developing world.

Rejecting the socialist formula, Obama has shown no intention to nationalize the investment banks or the health sector. Rather, he seeks to decolonize these institutions, and this means bringing them under the government's leash. That's why Obama retains the right to refuse bailout paybacks--so that he can maintain his control. For Obama, health insurance companies on their own are oppressive racketeers, but once they submitted to federal oversight he was happy to do business with them. He even promised them expanded business as a result of his law forcing every American to buy health insurance.

If Obama shares his father's anticolonial crusade, that would explain why he wants people who are already paying close to 50% of their income in overall taxes to pay even more. The anticolonialist believes that since the rich have prospered at the expense of others, their wealth doesn't really belong to them; therefore whatever can be extracted from them is automatically just. Recall what Obama Sr. said in his 1965 paper: There is no tax rate too high, and even a 100% rate is justified under certain circumstances.

Obama supports the Ground Zero mosque because to him 9/11 is the event that unleashed the American bogey and pushed us into Iraq and Afghanistan. He views some of the Muslims who are fighting against America abroad as resisters of U.S. imperialism. Certainly that is the way the Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi portrayed himself at his trial. Obama's perception of him as an anticolonial resister would explain why he gave tacit approval for this murderer of hundreds of Americans to be released from captivity.

Finally, nasa. No explanation other than anticolonialism makes sense of Obama's curious mandate to convert a space agency into a Muslim and international outreach.

There's about as much deep thought in this article as the average all caps resistnet rant, yet Forbes magazine decided it was good enough for it's cover story. And as you may have heard by now, it caused Newt Gingrich to say this:

Citing a recent Forbes article by Dinesh D’Souza, former House speaker Newt Gingrich tells National Review Online that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview.

Gingrich says that D’Souza has made a “stunning insight” into Obama’s behavior — the “most profound insight I have read in the last six years about Barack Obama.”

“What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?” Gingrich asks. “That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior.”

As I've said before when this type of thing happens:

I know that       (Person)        has said some (offensive/stupid) stuff in the past, but this is so over the top (offensive/stupid) that you'd have to think this has to end their career.

It never does, and I'm sure someone will ask disgraced former speaker Newt Gingrich about Obama's anti-colonial Kenyan views on one of the talk shows this Sunday.

Worst Person in the World

Newt Gingrich is a despicable human being:

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on Monday compared the mosque planned to go up blocks away from ground zero in New York to Nazis protesting next to the Holocaust museum.

Gingrich highlighted the fact that New York Democratic Gov. David Paterson and numerous others have proposed alternative locations for the mosque in arguing that the leaders of the cultural center are “radical Islamists” who want to prove that “they can build a mosque next to a place where 3,000 Americans were killed by Islamists.”

“That's why they won't accept any other offer,” he said during an interview on Fox News's "Fox & Friends."

Gingrich then declared that if the mosque is indeed being built as a symbol, which its leaders have repeatedly denied, New York authorities have every right to prevent it from being built.

“We ought to be honest about the fact that we have a right and this happens all the time in America,” he said.

“Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust museum in Washington,” Gingrich insisted, speaking of the museum where just a year ago a guard was killed by a white supremacist trying to enter the building with a gun.

Gingrich then went on to claim that “we would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor.”

“There is no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center,” he said.

There was also probably no reason for Newt's first wife to accept that he cheated on her and divorced her while she was battling cancer either, but here we are.

#126- A mosque is constructed in New York. The Right goes mad.

Newt Gingrich: "A mosque and community center is being built near Ground Zero in New York? There's only one appropriate response: lose my fucking mind."

America is experiencing an Islamist cultural-political offensive designed to undermine and destroy our civilization. Sadly, too many of our elites are the willing apologists for those who would destroy them if they could.

No mosque. No self deception. No surrender.

The time to take a stand is now - at this site, on this issue.

"Hey Newt, I heard there's a mosque or two in DC as well."

*Gingrich pisses himself, shits pants, and barfs in between screams. Continues doing so until he collapses several hours later.*

Terrorists On Welfare!!11!1!

The intellectual leader of the Republican party, Newt Gingrich:

Just had remarkable interview with chris wallace on foxnews sunday. I asserted releasing terrorist trainees into america on welfare is insane

One of the cooler developments of the last 6 months is that Newt Gingrich has partially filled the leadership vacuum within the Republican party.

With emerging talent like Gingrich, Steele, Jindal, Palin, and Mitt, it's going to be a fun 4 years.