Thursday, August 23, 2012

We Have Reached Peak Wingnut

I don't want to get all hyperbolic here, but this might be the most unintentionally funny column ever. You can tell the was seething that most people don't share his homoerotic daddy issues filled view of Mitt Romney said "screw what the PC liberal elites say, I'm gonna tell it like it is!" And this is what followed. And it is incredible.

And because everyone who I've sent this to has asked: no, this is not satire. This is the actual COVER article for the National Review this month:
What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse. The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men. Ellen Kullman is a very pretty woman, but at 56 years of age she probably would not turn a lot of heads in a college bar, and the fact that she is the chairman and CEO of Dupont isn’t going to change that.

It’s a good thing Mitt Romney doesn’t hang out in college bars.

You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched. Son of the same, father of more. It is a curious scientific fact (explained in evolutionary biology by the Trivers-Willard hypothesis — Willard, notice) that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters. Romney has 18 grandchildren, and they exceed a 2:1 ratio of grandsons to granddaughters (13:5). When they go to church at their summer-vacation home, the Romney clan makes up a third of the congregation. He is basically a tribal chieftain.

Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
That's pretty good. Can it get better? (Yes it can)
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs. Saleh al-Rajhi, billionaire banker, left behind 61 children when he cashed out last year. We don’t do harems here, of course, but Romney is exactly the kind of guy who in another time and place would have the option of maintaining one. He’s a boss. Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status. Romney’s net worth is more than that of the last eight U.S. presidents combined. He set up a trust for his grandkids and kicked in about seven times Barack Obama’s net worth, which at $11.8 million is not inconsiderable but probably less than Romney’s tax bill in a good year. If he hadn’t given away so much money to his church, charities, and grandkids, Mitt Romney would have more money than Jay-Z.
You know what this needs? More white guy talking about rap culture! What, you're saying there's an entire paragraph of that, not just a Jay Z reference? Buckle up...
Some Occupy Wall Street types, believing it to be the height of wit, have begun to spell Romney’s name “Rmoney.” But Romney can do better than that — put it in all caps: R-MONEY. Jay-Z can keep his puny little lowercase letters and the Maybach: R-MONEY doesn’t own a flashy car with rims, R-MONEY does billion-dollar deals with Keystone Automotive and Delphi. You want to make it rain? R-MONEY is going to make it storm, like biblical. Rappers boast about their fat stacks: R-MONEY’s fat stacks live in a beachfront house of their own in the Hamptons, and the bricks in that house are made from tightly bound hundred-dollar bills. You have a ton of money? R-MONEY has 200 metric tons of money if he decides to keep it in cash.
There really aren't words for that paragraph. And for the sake of highlights and time, let's ahead to the last page:
George Romney made his money by being a boss — a leader. Mitt Romney has been the same thing. When things went wrong, people put Romney in charge of them — at Bain, at the Olympics, at a hundred companies he helped turn around or restructure. Bain is a financial firm, but Romney wasn’t some Wall Street bank-monkey with a pitch book. He was the guy who fired you. He was a boss, like his dad, and like his sons probably will be. Barack Obama was never in charge of anything of any significance until the delicate geniuses who make up the electorate of this fine republic handed him the keys to the Treasury and the nuclear football because we were tired of Frenchmen sneering at us when we went on vacation. Obama made his money in part through political connections — no, I don’t think Michelle Obama was worth nearly 400 grand a year — and by authoring two celebrity memoirs, his sole innovation in life having been to write the memoir first and become a celebrity second. Can you imagine Barack Obama trying to pull off a hostile takeover without Rahm Emanuel holding his diapers up for him? Impossible.
MITT ROMNEY IS A BOSS WHOSE HUGE PENIS BIRTHED FUTURE BOSSES. Can Obama say the same? I think not. He's wearing diapers held by a fertile white man, or something.
Reassuring arch-patriarch — maybe one with enough sons and grandsons to form a pillaging band of marauders? Hillary Rodham Clinton told us that it takes a village, and Mitt Romney showed us how to populate a village with thriving offspring.
Have I written enough about Mitt Romney and his fertile dong? I haven't? Ok, here's more:
Newsweek, which as of this writing is still in business, recently ran a cover photo of Romney with the headline: “The Wimp Factor: Is He Just Too Insecure to Be President?” Look at his fat stacks. Look at that mess of sons and grandchildren. Look at a picture of Ann Romney on her wedding day and that cocky smirk on his face. What exactly has Mitt Romney got to be insecure about? That he’s not as prodigious a patriarch as Ramses II or as rich as >Lakshmi Mittal? I bet he sleeps at night and never worries about that. He has done everything right in life, and he should own it. And by own it, I mean put it on the black card and stow it in the G6 — or at least in first class, for Pete’s sake.
And that, is how he ends the article.

3000 words of pure wingnut id. We can only be thankful that the national review has fired enough of it's normal white supremacist writing stable that this made it into their publication. As their cover story.


  1. yeah, I saw this before, but didn't get past the first page. I was really enamored with the idea that women should vote for Romney because bitches be gol'diggers and (should) want to f*ck him. Because everyone knows you vote for the most bang-able dude for president.
    Besides that, I'm sure Romney is thrilled about the polygamy reference (when he said "another time and place" he meant Utah, right?).

    But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the main point of this article is that Mitt Romney has a tiny, tiny penis.

  2. oh hey, i see you guys noticed the article I published under a pseudonym in the national review. Cool, huh?

  3. well, he's got my vote. really i don't know why they let the women folk vote anyway between voting only for other vaginas and hot guys. also, i like the standards by which we measure attractiveness to women: success, money, and whiteness. personally, i've always preferred tall and intellectual, but sure cash money, an inability to talk to or about women, and the exploitation of poor people...god, is it getting hot in here?

  4. it is, indeed, getting hot in here. you've got romney fever.

    its fatal.